Chapter 391

comes with twelve genuine patented BobCo™ Just Add Water RealCows™, holographic Treana'ad moomoo carers with their own VI, and everything you see here! (batteries not included, please wait 4-12 hours for delivery)

Dee dee dah dee! It's BOOOOOOB-CO!

TELKAN FORGE WORLDS

Is it weird I want one?

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TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

Every time I see that had I have to remember they don't make those any more.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

CYBERNETIC ORGANISM CONSENSUS

Just fab one up. Templates are on GalNet.

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TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

It's just not the same. There's just something about BobCo stuff that templates don't replicate.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

PUBVIAN DOMINION

Cheapness?

TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

Don't be such a Grinch.

SIS! HURRY UP! IT'S ABOUT TO BE BACK ON!

There's just... you know... something about old BobCo stuff.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

MANTID FREE WORLDS

Don't start without me!

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

We now return to the Sol System Broadcast Network Holiday Special, already in

PUBVIAN DOMINION

IT'S STARTING!

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MANTID FREE WORLDS

Whew. Made it.

Blow on it, it's hot.

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HAMAROOSA PINCHING TIME

What are the white things?

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BIOLOGICAL ARTIFICIAL SENTIENCE SYSTEMS

Marshmellows. Hush.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

in progress.

HOW P'THOK TOTALLY ON PURPOSE AND NOT AT ALL ACCIDENTALLY SAVED CHRISTMAS!

The spaceship was drifting as P'Thok looked at the unfamiliar controls. He'd only been on a few Terran ships, most of them captured military vessels, but he was pretty sure that none of them had control buttons and levers like this one.

Half of the buttons were different colored nubs with a clearish looking granular color. Most of the levers were colored with red and white spirals and either ended with a U or a wide multicolored disk. He wasn't precisely sure, but he was starting to think that there was something strange about the spaceship.

P'Thok adjusted his Moomoo tender hat and opened his faceplate, staring down at the controls.

His speed was five times a sparrow's flight but three seconds less than the day after tomorrow.

Chittering nervously he looked again. That made no sense, but he'd heard some Earthlings used bizarre measurements, but that was ridiculous.

"Mister P'Thok, I need to get back home and to my bed," the little Terran girl said. "After all, a Christmas story I've already been read."

"What was the cargo he was stealing so fast?" P'Thok asked. "I'm pretty sure the fuel in this ship isn't going to last?"

P'Thok frowned and tapped his translator. That last bit sounded weird.

"Presents and whizzbangs and tickle trikes for boys and girls galore," the girl said, kicking her feet where she was still in the chair. She was wearing a pink one piece suit with foot coverings that P'Thok had to admit looked pretty comfortable. Even the lace collar around her neck. "Fun stuff and neat stuff and some made with love not bought from a store."

"Umm, OK," P'Thok said. He looked at the navigation display. It had all of two markings on it. The ship, which was done in such a way that it looked like candy, and a star marked "Korvatunturi" underneath it.

P'Thok knew of most of the Terran settlements in the area. He'd just left New Terra with Moomoo's, ice cream, and tobacco, and there wasn't a Korvatunturi anywhere in the sector.

Maybe the ship had a new type of drive?

"I'm going to go check the drive. You stare here, little darling," P'Thok said, putting on his best Moomoo Carer Terran accent.

"I will Mister P'Thok. I'll watch the clock," she said, smiling.

P'Thok nodded and went back through the airlock. He hopped from outcropping to outcropping till he got to the bottom. He opened the next airlock and stared.

There were brightly colored packages, festooned with ribbons, everywhere he looked. They were piled haphazardly to the ceiling, in piles, and strewn about. There were large ornamented Terran foot coverings, laying on the floor, stuffed with toys and candy and fruit, some of them the contents spilling out onto the floor.

P'Thok held out his hand, catching a few flakes of frozen condensation on his palm.

The environmental system must be out, he thought to himself. He moved forward, skirting around the boxes and crates, the stockings and stuffings, even passed by a roast beast with all the trimmings that smelled delectable.

There were even evergreen trees festooned with decorations tossed here and there, complete with blinking lights and stars on top.

What primate madness have I found myself involved in? P'Thok wondered.

He passed several rows of compacted frozen precipitation that was fashioned into three spheres, each one smaller than the one beneath, stacked one on top of another. Each one had a black hat with a nifty brim that looked pretty spiffy to P'Thok, while others had small conical hats with a white puffball on the tip like the green thing had been wearing.

P'Thok grabbed one and shoved it in his pocket. Maybe the Matrons would like it.

At the back he opened the door to the engineering section, passing inside. He hit the lights and looked around.

There was fazoozals and caroozals, noomphy pumps and stungee dumps, marvelous condusers and fabulousa transoozters. There were wheedles wheedling and speedlings speeding. A whirling twirling jumping slumping spinning space of whirlamagig of contraptiopns and fantabulations.

P'Thok stared in shock.

Nothing he saw belonged in a spaceship engineering and drive room.

He wasn't even sure what any of it did, and he'd once stolen an armored ice cream transport.

He approached one of the many many many consoles, looking at the labels, which had such strange writing as "frosting thickening level thickener" and "creamy filling whipper stiller" and "choco-pecan-strawberry-injector".

The intercom clicked. "Is everything OK down there, Mr. P'Thok?" the little girl asked. "Of the equipment you should take stock."

"Um, everything's OK, small Terran female," he answered, looking around at everything.

He wasn't sure, but it looked like one of the wheels made of sugar and other ingredients had gotten slightly dislodged. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and pushed on it.

It clicked back in place and everything around him began moving. Some equipment whistled, others chimed a merry tune, and still more began turning or pumping or clacking or clanking.

P'Thok rushed out of the room and closed the door behind him, slumping against it and sighing. He brought out a cigarette and lit it, standing next to the stacked frozen water, and puffed at it.

"The tinsel drive is almost charged up," the little Earth girl said over the intercom. "I'm making cocoa would you like a cup?"

"Um, yes?" P'Thok said.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES!

LEEBAW CONTEMPLATION POOL

Did this really happen?

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TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

Yes. And we'll fight anyone claims otherwise.

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LEEBAW CONTEMPLATION POOL

OK, OK, take it easy.

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TNVARU GRIPPING HANDS

I get it. This was made right after you guys encountered the Terrans, wasn't it?

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MANTID FREE WORLDS

Yes.

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TNVARU GRIPPING HANDS

And you guys didn't really have any culture beyond "Must Lay Eggs!" and "Please don't eat my head!"

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PUBVIAN DOMINION

>Laughs

Yeah, that was pretty much them.

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TNVARU GRIPPING HANDS

I totally get it. Matron Sangbre and Matron Nakteti are making a movie based on when they met Daxin and how they got to Earth. This is kind of like that.

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HAKANIAN FLOOF ZONE

Woah, check it out! A hoverbike with a radio, jet boosters, max ceiling of three hundred meters and autopilot!

I totally want one!

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MANTID FREE WORLDS

They don't make them any more. Too many kids slammed into each other or sucked birds into the intakes and crashed or flew into orbit somehow.

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HAKANIAN FLOOF ZONE

Wait, those are for kids?

Who the hell gives kids something like that.

ALL>TERRANS!

ALL>laughs

MANTID FREE WORLDS

Hush, it's back on.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

WE NOW RETURN TO THE HOLIDAY SPECIAL, ALREADY IN PROGRESS

P'Thok exhaled the last of the smoke out of feet, ignoring that it made perfect smoke rings, and moved back through the cargo area. In several places large dolls of small Terrans with pointed ears watched him, their outfits brightly colored and festive looking.

When he got to the bridge he looked around. The tiny human female gave him a large mug, hot to the touch, with whipped cream on top.

"Mister P'Thok, I made you a drink, you will like it I think," the human child said.

"Thank you, tiny human," P'Thok said.

The controls were all lit up and one big button was flashing. P'Thok moved up and stared at it, watching it flash. Idly he took a sip of the hot drink.

It was pleasant to the taste, reminding him of a heated bowl of Choco-Marshmallow Flavor Bomb Ice Cream. He took another drink, gave the equivelant of a shrug, and pressed the big red button.

The ship flew into motion. P'Thok shot backward, the mug in his hand leaving behind a long trail of whipped cream and hot chocolate, until he hit the back wall with an "OOF!" noise. Sparkles and small birds appeared around his head for a moment until he shook his head.

The ship picked up speed and P'Thok felt the chitin on his face began to ripple and pull backwards, deforming his head. It wasn't painful, but he could see his reflection and it looked like his mandibles were flapping.

The ship suddenly came to a stop and P'Thok flew through the bridge to slam against the viewsceen, all sprawled out, a leg or arm in every direction, still holding onto his mug of liquid choco-bomb.

He slowly slid down with a squeaking noise and landed on the floor.

The ship was making a beeping sound and P'Thok got to his feet, took another drink to calm his nerves, and looked at the panel and the viewscreen.

A large planet, all white and blue, with clouds swirling around, was getting closer.

"Oh no, Mister P'Thok, the controls have gone out," the tiny Terran girl said. "If I can't get home my parents will shout."

P'Thok stared at the instruments. "I'm not sure what to do."

The little girl pointed a long braid of multicolored ribbon twined with shiny metallic silver threads. "You'll have to take that, go out on the hull, lasso the cosecone, then give it a pull."

"I'll burn up on reentry," P'Thok said.

The little girl picked up the vanished green creature's red hat with the white fluffy border and white puffball on the tip. "Wear the Gurnch's magical hat, it will protect you from heat and things like that!"

P'Thok sighed, moved over and picked up the hat, and swapped it out for his moomoo tender hat. It fit comfortably between his antenna sheathes on his spacesuit helmet.

"All right. We're falling fast," P'Thok said. "I'll go out and pull the nose up on the ship."

"And then we'll land and be done with part of the trip," the little human female said.

P'Thok moved back into the central traverse tube, checking the long strand of ribbon and silver metal.

He'd practiced the art of lassoing moomoos on his own world, so he let the large loop fall out of the coil of rope, moving to the airlock.

It had power, allowing him to cycle it and go outside.

The ship was heading toward the planet, falling nose first.

P'Thok clumped outside the ship, his magnetic boots making it so he had to walk slow, stiltingly. He got halfway forward and let the lasso fall.

The ship was starting to enter atmosphere, heat from reentry making the round ball at the end of the nosecone glow a bright red.

P'Thok twirled the lasso over his head and let it fly, compensating for the pull of the planet and the thin atmospheric drag. The end of the lasso widened out and dropped over the nosecone, and P'Thok pulled back, expecting nothing.

The nose slowly began to rise as the ship dropped into atmosphere, rapidly dropping. P'Thok held onto the rope, pulling tight, like he was trying to get a meanmoomoo to stop.

Fire roared around the strangely shaped ship as it dropped into atmosphere, heading for the snowy expanse of trees on the surface. The ship left behind tree shaped puffs of white smoke as it fell to the ground, surrounded by fire.

Finally the ship slammed into the snow and P'Thok was thrown from the ship, flailing through the air, giving out a strange cry of "YA-HOO-HOO-HOOEY!" before landing in the snow and making a perfect Treana'ad shaped hole.

WILL P'THOK SURVIVE? WHAT SECRETS ARE IN THE BOXES? WILL THE TERRAN GRUB GET HOME?

YOU'LL FIND OUT, RIGHT AFTER THESE COMMERCIALS!

AKLTAK SOARING WORLDS

This is so exciting, I don't even care that there's no way a 'magic hat' would keep him from burning up on reentry.

---NOTHING FOLLOWS---

TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS

I know, isn't it great?

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