Chapter 284 - A husband's guilt

Feng Mei kept running, her feet pounding on the pavement frantic with the need to escape. She didn't look back, there was nothing to look back to, her safe place was not behind her, her safe place was nowhere.

People flickered around her, like image displays that barely registered in her mind as she raced past them spurred on by the blossoming pain in her c.h.e.s.t.

Instinctively, her hand strayed to her belly, to reassure her that everything was fine, that everything was going to be alright.

'How can everything be alright if I'm running from something and running towards nothing?' 

The question flitted through her mind before being pushed aside by the urgent need to keep running, to keep moving, to go far away.

The muttered words swelled until it changed from passing comments to a single uproar that kept saying two words. 'gold-digging whore'

The crowd on the sidewalk immediately began to move heading straight for her, crowding her, jostling her, and tripping her until every forward step she took was a hard-worn battle between bodies that were crowding her.

Feng Mei burst out from among them, across the road, anything to get away. She didn't hear the screech until it is too late, the car almost upon her. The slam of the brakes was almost as futile as the hand she threw up to protect herself.

The car slams into her with a force that sends her flying back several meters before crashing down in the middle of the road. The pain feels like a heavy blanket, too thick, too strong to even allow her breath.

It drains her energy quickly, siphoning everything until she is unable to scream, cry or even move. Just enough strength left in her to move her hand to her stomach and register the sticky feel of blood seemingly oozing from every pore. She tries to curl around herself to protect her baby, but it is too late. There is only a breathless sigh, filled with the darkest agony "my baby"

Out of nowhere, the rain comes with a bone-deep cold, leaching away the last of her hope.

Yan Mei woke up with a sob to find herself cradled against her husband. It took only a second for her body to move until she was twisted around herself around him, holding to his warmth desperately.

They didn't speak for the longest time, only the sounds of their breaths stirred the air while their bodies strained closer and closer.

Maybe an hour passed like that before he said, 

"I'm sorry"

"Why---what are you apologizing for?" her voice was a soft whisper between the two of them.

Lei Zhao tensed, then slowly relaxed "I should have told you what I found myself. You weren't supposed to find out like this."

"It's not your fault" she murmured, nuzzling into his c.h.e.s.t while his arms tightened around her imperceptibly.

He refused to be mollified, even if she couldn't see it, she heard the regret in his voice "I should have just let told you but I didn't want you to get hurt, I really did..."

Yan Mei cut in, tilting back her head to catch his eye. The dim glow of the wall lamps showed her his furrowed brows.

"I don't blame you, knowing is much better. I've had to ask myself why many times, getting the answers may not be an easy or pleasant process for me but it's important that I know, thanks."

Lei Zhao tensed, moved away from her, and levered himself into a sitting position "You can't be thanking me for bringing you another traumatic experience. As your husband I should have told you—now you're suffering and it's my fault. "

"I'm not made of glass"  Yan Mei glared at him

"No you're not but I promised to love and cherish you, not drive you into the pouring rain until you collapsed from the exhaustion of running from me" he continued as if she had not said a word, among the many words was a note of hurt.

Yan Mei moved to a sitting position and faced her husband; his guilt was etched in his face and she wondered what it would take to remove it 

"I wasn't running from you; I was running from the fact that I have been living a lie. Her words made me even trust myself, my emotions, and my perceptions less. I loved her like she was my mother and in a way, she was. I just didn't expect the truth, it f.u.c.k.e.d with my mind"

"I still brought her here and hid the truth from you." Lei Zhao stubbornly insisted

"Because you needed answers" was her cool reply but he wasn't in the mood to be logical just yet.

"Answers which has brought you pain. I knew someone closest to you was responsible, I just didn't know who."  Lei Zhao ground out.

"Stop beating yourself up, stupid. I'm now a grown woman I can handle myself perfectly fine, all thanks to you. So stop beating yourself up would you?" She queried, her brows arched in doubt while her eyes entreated him to accept the truth.

"I--alright." Even the way he said the words would lead anyone to see that he didn't believe them himself, but his guilt was hard to let go of.

Yan Mei sighed, the sound like a mini-explosion in the silence of their bedroom, she allowed herself to look at him, really allowed her eyes to travel over his face and capture the tiny tells of anger and guilt that dimmed his eyes and thinned his lips. 

She sighed again and moved closer until she nestled in his c.h.e.s.t, his arms banding around her automatically "That's not how it works my love. Stop blaming yourself and just hold me"

"I'll never stop blaming myself, what if you had gotten hurt while running" he replied bitterly, his arms tightening around her body.

Yan Mei couldn't help the full-body shudder and sudden image of herself sprawled on the street in a widening pool of blood. She shook her head to dislodge the image and nestle into his warmth as she said "Let's not talk about that" as she snuggled into him, lulled by the beat of his heart.