Advent – Chapter 44: Atelophobia

As soon as the pair had appeared in the Void, Aperio spread her wings and let herself fall backwards onto the soft nothing – simply hanging in the inky blackness was more comfortable than any bed she had been on before. And it doesn't squish my wings.

"Exhausted?"

The words caused Aperio to sit up and direct her eyes towards her daughter and give her a slight nod; she was exhausted. Mentally, at least. Her physical self, in comparison, felt as good as it had since she had been sacrificed, and the disparity between body and mind – one still ready and willing to do any activity, the other at the end of its ability and wanting to do nothing more than rest – was not something Aperio had ever expected to feel.

"I noticed the cut in your dress," Ferio said as her eyes wandered to the spot where it once had been. "Those don't just appear out of nowhere. Are you sure you are fine?"

Aperio's hand went to the now repaired patch of her dress on its own volition. She did not feel like anything was wrong, and the wound had healed immediately. The only thing that had still been damaged after her return to the mortal world was her dress and that, too, had been fixed.

"I think so, yes. It was only a small cut that was already healed when I pulled the sword out. It did not even hurt."

A brief expression of concern flickered across her daughter's face before she spoke again. "Do you have the blade with you? Or do you at least know what kind of sword it was?"

"I do not know what it was, nor do I have it. The System told me that Natio's Dominion would be removed after I left it, so I doubt the weapon still exists."

"Can't you just make the System recreate the sword?"

The words caused Aperio to pause. Could I? She knew the sword, to an extent: how it looked, how it felt, how much it weighed. Would that be enough? Even if it was, it did not immediately solve the problem, for she still did not truly know how to wield her own power, and by extent, the powers of the System. Thus far, she had but to merely want something to happen and through inexplicable, inscrutable magics it would come to be.

Is there a menu I can use? Natio was tapping on something before he fought me, maybe that was a System menu for his Dominion? Closing her eyes, Aperio tried to recall how the System's pull on the mana in her well had felt and, after pushing past a small barrier, her mind was again flooded with strange lists. Meaningless names and symbols floated past her attention's focus, as well as bizarre weaves of mana that drifted by, their shapes nothing but nonsense to her.

Yet, despite its mind-bending nature, looking at the System filled her with a sense of calm and, to a lesser degree, pride. As no easy to understand window appeared before her, Aperio tried to read the symbols and names in hope of gleaming some form of knowledge.

Much to her surprise, she was able to understand a good number of the symbols – runes, as she now had to notice. The first time she had looked within the System she had been too overwhelmed by the mess of mana and glyphs to properly attempt to read any of it, and had disregarded the whole as something she could not hope to understand. It was a mistake on her part, as it turned out.

The runes weren't like the ones the Empire or the village had used. These were vastly more complex, twisting in on themselves in ways that would make them impossible to carve on stone, or any other surface in the mortal world.

Most of them had simple meanings despite their complex shapes, simply comparing things and then directing them onward to even more complex sets of runes. What caught her interest, though, and what likely held the answers she sought, was a lone set of very intricate runes. Aperio understood them to mean 'assistance', something she was in dire need of at the moment.

Feeding the 'assistance' rune a tiny bit of her mana caused Aperio to open her eyes as a shudder ran through her. Before her eyes a window stitched itself together, much slower than the ones she had seen previously. When it eventually did appear, it was a lot less helpful than she had initially thought it would be.

Unable to process request: Cannot scan Creator.

Well, that was useless. What is it supposed to assist with anyway if it has to scan me?

Purpose: Assist users with System-provided skills by providing knowledge of usage and application.

Aperio squinted at the window; that was exactly what she wanted the System to do for her. But, as she was the origin of the System itself, she likely did not possess any skills that came from the System. More like all its functions come from me.

With a sigh, she willed the window to disappear. At least she got some form of knowledge from the endeavour. She knew that she could, in fact, understand a few things about the System. Not enough to try and tinker with it to any degree, but she now knew where to look for more information.

"I do not know," Aperio finally said, steeling herself for the abhorrent feelings she was sure would come with her next few words. "I barely understand what most of the runes even mean. Sometimes it does what I want with barely a thought and other times it does not. I do not know why."

"Maybe it needs more time to turn back on? It did take quite a while to even recognise you as its creator after all."

Aperio let herself fall back onto the soft nothing of her Void before she replied. "Perhaps. Or perhaps it broke while I was gone." And I can't fix it.

"So we are back to the issue of regaining your memories. But before we start with that, there are a few things we need to talk about." Her daughter's voice had gained an unsteady quality, something Aperio could not quite place. Concern? Or is she angry?

"I think we need to talk about your past, even if it is uncomfortable for you," Ferio said. "The way you just lock up and stare into the distance can't be healthy, even for you. What would happen if you remember something violent and someone comes to see what is wrong, only for you to kill them by accident? You made it quite clear that you don't want to hurt people without good reason. I might not agree with – or even understand – some of your new beliefs; but you are still my mother and I want to try my best to help you."

Aperio remained silent. She did not want to talk about her previous life – she wanted to forget it even happened. There was, she believed, nothing of value to be gained by talking about it. In fact, given her new mental abilities, she would only relieve the horrors of it, in greater detail than she had previously thought possible.

The Void thickened, blanketing the winged Goddess with darkness as it reacted to her desire to be alone. Aperio embraced it, taking comfort in her obscured form. Through the use of her aura she could see Ferio rubbing the bridge of her nose, obviously not pleased with her mother's reaction.

"I am just trying to help you, mother. Talking about these things helps, trust me. I... I have been through something similar, when you disappeared. And, I have helped countless mortals who have lived a life not too far removed from what you are describing. But I cannot help if you don't want to be helped." Ferio paused, letting out a heavy sigh before she continued in a quiet voice. "I don't want to lose you again."

The whispered words caused Aperio to right herself and step out of the shadows that had appeared around her. What her daughter had said did not quite make sense to her. "Though I do not wish to talk about it, it does not mean I would leave you. I do not plan to go anywhere."

"If you continue to separate yourself from everyone else, mother, and avoid trusting anyone? You might as well have left." Ferio breathed deeply, for reasons Aperio couldn't place, then her daughter spoke again. "I know that it pains you to admit your faults, but believe me when I say that it is now more important than ever to admit that you cannot do it alone. That, in this respect, you are not perfect."

A part of her instantly awoke, rebelling against the notion of being anything less than perfect, wanting to strike down Ferio to show her where she belonged. Aperio froze in shock at her own thoughts. Why would I ever do that? The mere idea that even the tiniest part of her would even consider hurting her own daughter disgusted her more than anything else. A sinking feeling of doubt snaked its way through her mind, causing her to question whether she should ever consider finding out the sort of person she had been before.

Ferio spoke again, breaking the silence. "You helped me before, when I needed it. Please... Let me help you."

Aperio rejected the rebelling part of her brain then and there. She would not hurt her family.

Ever.

If she could, she would rip that part out of herself. It was irritating at the best of times, and right now it was starting to terrify her. What kind of person had she been? Was this the way her previous self had felt? Aperio shuddered, but knew that in the end, in order to find answers, she would have to mentally go where she did not wish to.

Despite her not listening to the feeling, she still could not bring herself to actually recount what had happened to her. She wanted to forget, but the change that had returned her strength had also made it impossible to do that. Aperio knew, deep down, that she would never truly forget. That she would carry the weight of her previous life forwards with her, potentially into eternity. Maybe it was the universe getting back at her for dying the first time – causing her to live a life that never quite managed to break her while she lived it, but now that she thought she had escaped its clutches the sheer force of its memory would tear her mind apart. A last parting gift from the world before it could no longer impose its will on its creator.

On me.

Pushing the memories down and focusing on the here and now was sadly not as easy as simply willing the thoughts away. There was a persistent nagging idea that she had done something that caused the other Gods to betray her, that it actually was her fault and not a coup as Ferio had implied.

"I need time," Aperio finally replied as the darkness drew closer again. "I am not yet ready. But you are right – I do need to talk at some point. ...Thank you."

Aperio closed her eyes and took a deep breath of the soothing nothing of her Void. Letting it wash over every fiber of her being in an attempt to wash off the haunting feeling of ghostly needles piercing her skin and eager hands exploring places that they had no right to. Another breath, to try to silence the echo of the arrogant voice of the Emperor's son – his orders, his forcing her to do things. Things she did not ever want to remember. Things that, given her perfect memory, she was forced to witness for the second time.

Her thoughts were interrupted by arms wrapping around her and a serene warmth spreading throughout her entire being. The magic of her daughter did wonders to calm her mind. Simply letting herself drift in the comforting nothing of her Void in the embrace of family managed to do what her previous attempt had not. It pushed the memories of her past from her mind, allowing some of Aperio's worries to fade.

"Thank you," she whispered, returning the embrace with shaking arms and wings.

Ferio did not reply immediately, instead holding tighter onto her mother. "Please let me help you," she said after a few more moments. "You never gave me the chance to before you disappeared, and now I fear you will do so again even when you need it more than ever."

At Aperio's continued silence, Ferio held the hug for a brief moment longer before she separated herself from her mother. "When you decide you are ready, I will be there for you."

"Thank you," the winged Goddess said again. The next words felt sour on her tongue, but she pushed them out into the open anyhow. "I think, before I can do that, I need to remember who I was before." Doubt and fear swirled in her mind at the inevitability of confronting the shadow of her past self, but she squashed them down as she allowed herself a change of topic. "I would also like to take care of Vigil now, but I doubt he will do as Natio did and simply invite me into his Dominion. I also do not know how to strip him of his godhood without seeing him."

The shift in the nature of their discussion caused Ferio to briefly pause as she considered it. "So you will go into the Ebenlowe dungeon first?"

"Yes," Aperio replied with a small nod, further convincing the unpleasant feelings within her to stay squashed. "Will you join me?"

"Of course!"

The ecstatic reply was not what Aperio had anticipated, but it brought with it a pleasant warmth in her chest that she could not quite describe. As soon as Ferio had taken her mother's offered hand, Aperio parted the fabric of reality and brought them back to the house of healing. She did want to check up on Laelia before she left.

GamingWolf

The Fear of Imperfection.

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