Crusade – Chapter 68: The Formless

GamingWolf

So, before this chapter starts I have a few things to address. Namely the translations of this story.

I recently found out that someone regularly visits this story from what looks to be the Chinese version of gdocs. Could be many things, but my mind wanders to translation. So I asked an acquaintance if such a thing exists — it does — but was unable to find my work posted in such places.

What I did find, however, was a russian translation (Technically two, but one of them only did two chapters). Not only did they not ask if it was okay to translate this story — it would have been, but you lost that chance Nimura. — but they also appear to charge people for it. (Also, the image of the Elf you have on there is not close to Aperio's actual appearance.) 

Some might think that, as I run a Patreon, such a statement is hypocritical. I disagree. Aside from the fact that I'm the one who actually comes up with the story, in the end everyone gets to read the main story at no cost but the time they invest. The money I do make is used to pay my editor and (finally) get art done. Though I might only post that on the discord, and potentially only for those from Patreon, considering that it might end up stolen and used to promote even more theft of my work if I do so here.

And the worst part is that I am not even against it. If it's translated more people can read it, perhaps some will even enjoy it. But, just taking a story and translating it without asking the author for their approval is still theft and annoys me in all the wrong ways.

So, if you happen to be the one that for some reason comes to this story from docs.qq.com, please contact me.

I hope your day is going better than mine. Enjoy the chapter.

"Two visits so shortly after millennia of silence," the ever-shifting cloud of shadows said. Its voices overlapped one another, never staying in the same cadence or pace. "Have I upset you, Mistress? Are you here to punish me?"

"Punish?" Aperio did not even know what the being really was, nor why it spoke to her now when it did not do so before. "I came here to think; to clear my head."

The darkness seemed to be happy at her words, a few of the mana wisps that floated around Aperio's form disappearing as the shadows chased them. "Space is silent and uncaring; perfect to shield yourself from the annoying voices of the mortals."

Annoying voices? She had to be honest with herself, she had gotten fairly irritated with them. Over nothing, too… Why was I angry when they cared about me? Upon further reflection, the rage that had previously bubbled inside her had mostly subsided, with only a small portion still remaining. Perhaps space is more like my Void than I had previously thought?

She laid down on the nothing that surrounded her, the shadows that inhabited it gently embracing her, and closed her eyes, allowing her weapon to vanish. Breathing in space was a weird sensation. No air filled her lungs, but neither did the motion bring comfort as it did in her Void. Somehow, there was even less… nothing present here.

Another thing Aperio noticed was the calm she felt now; not quite on the level of her Void, but close enough. So they are related. ...Or is it something else? She wasn't quite willing to believe that her Dominion and plain old space had much in common, but that meant something else had to have helped her regain her calm. The shadow?

"What are you?" she asked, more to herself than anyone else. Aperio sat up straight as she realised she had been able to hear her own voice. Does the shadow speak too, then? She had presumed it to be a mind-to-mind communication, just in a form she had not previously encountered. "How?"

"You have never been bound by the same rules as the rest of us; why would you now?" the shadow asked, the chorus of voices laced with a few slight giggles. Then the timbre of the voice changed, and quiet sobs replaced the laughter. "But... You do not remember me, Mistress? I have dutifully kept watch over your creations, guiding the emergence of the new worlds, just like you had asked."

Aperio tilted her head, trying to remember something about the formless darkness in front of her despite already knowing it would not work. The winged Goddess was only able to retrieve a mild headache, just as she had expected.

"I do not know who, or even what you are… I cannot remember much of anything," Aperio said, her last words a quiet murmur.

She could feel the darkness flow away from her, the ever-shifting cloud gaining more shape and substance until it had coalesced into a shadowy form of an Elf. Aperio looked at the reflection of herself, and was reminded of the other imitation of herself the dungeon had created before she destroyed it.

The lack of anger rising up at the sight of something that imitated her likeness caused no small amount of confusion. Aperio had long resigned herself to dealing with random bouts of anger, and was expecting to have to put up with it for an extended period of time. Until I get my memories back, at least.

The lack of such emotions now, however, caused her to shift her gaze to the planet below. She could sense how the shadowy Elf took a seat on the nothing next to her, seemingly wanting to comfort her. It did not answer the question she had asked, something that did cause a good bit of angered irritation to stir inside Aperio, but the feeling was nothing compared to the seething rage she had felt at her followers’ rather innocent questions.

"Why?" Aperio mumbled to herself. It made no sense to her. She knew that her Void was one of a kind, that nothing could compare. Does Verenier make me… angry? She doubted that the shadow was doing anything to calm her, as a quick glance revealed nothing traveling along the mana threads that connected them.

But how does that work? It was obvious that the world reacted to her, and why wouldn't it? She had made it. Do I... react to the world? But, it doesn't feel; it's a rock. Then again, I am an Elf with wings — the All-Mother — that can kill Gods like it's nothing… Perhaps a feeling piece of rock is not that far-fetched?

"What is your name?" Aperio asked, not taking her eyes off the continent she knew to be Vetus. So small. Knowing that she only needed to use a tiny fraction of her might to remove it from existence was a frightening, yet intoxicating experience.

"Diskrye," the shadow replied, not a trace of the playful note in its voices left. "That is the name you have given me."

Hearing what the shadow was called had sadly not helped Aperio remember. Not that it should have. How could she recall something that wasn't there? But… something is there. She wasn't sure if it was the memories she had retrieved from the Ebenlowe dungeon slowly integrating themselves, or if she was somehow starting to remember things on her own.

Nor does it tell me if being on Verenier makes me angry. She could, of course, just go back down and see what happened, but as it stood, she had no desire to meet anyone. The only reason she had not asked Diskrye to leave her alone was because she knew that it couldn't; it was the space that surrounded her. It had taken her longer than she wanted to admit to realise it, but now that she did, it was obvious. What else have I missed?

Had she been blinded by the anger she had felt? Could she even live on a world that did this to her? Do all the worlds do that? ...Why do they do that? She knew that, to an extent at least, the world reacted to how she felt. It had especially been reactive since...

Aperio shuddered, pulling her wings in around herself at the memory. She had forced herself upon Laelia when she had healed her, irrevocably changing who — what — the woman was. It had been a needed action, yes, but as she now was painfully aware, she could have done it much differently. Without forcing my way. Without going against all that I want to stand for. Remembering the scope of the impact she had on people was more difficult than she wanted to admit, and the lingering instincts of her mortal life as a slave did not help matters.

"Mistress?"

The echoing voice of Diskrye brought Aperio out of her trance, causing her to turn her head and face the shadowy figure. The title it had chosen for her was questionable at best, but Aperio could not find a reason to change it aside from her dislike for its connotations. "Yes?"

"Do you intend to stay here?"

Aperio did not reply immediately, instead shifting her gaze back to the world below. She didn't want to just leave everything behind and become some sort of space-faring hermit. She liked the people she had met and, perhaps most importantly, she wanted to spend more time with her daughter. Though, after what I just did to them I should probably not expect the same level of goodwill they once had.

Her reaction had by, all accounts, been irrational — almost hysterical, even. Definitely not something becoming of a Goddess, much less of the All-Mother.

"No," she whispered, shifting her wings around herself to better hide from the world surrounding her. "I like the people I met and I promised Maria I would visit her again… I just want a life."

"It is weird, seeing you like this, Mistress. What happened?"

Aperio wrapped her wings tighter around herself at the question, the soft warmth of her feathered appendages bringing her a comfort little else could. "A lot."

She could feel the shifting in space as the shadow drew some mana to itself. If it was for an attack, Aperio did not know, and neither did she care, for the amount Diskrye was summoning up was insignificant to the winged Goddess.

The bit of mana the presumed deity of space had sent against its maker faded before it even managed to touch its target. The only response the winged Goddess gave was the slight lowering of her wing to set her gaze on the shadowy being.

Diskrye dissolved a little under Aperio's stare, a gesture the winged Goddess assumed to mean embarrassment. "I did not mean to offend you. It is just that you are nothing like the Creator I remember.

“She wouldn't cower like that, or willingly subject herself to the anger of a world. No, she would remove that world. Or simply go elsewhere. But despite all of this, you look like her, sound like her; feel like her."

Aperio narrowed her eyes at the shadow. "People change."

Diskrye slithered closer, the motion somehow easily recognisable despite the formless nature of the being. "They do," it said, the echoes in its voice more pronounced than before. "But you can hardly compare yourself to them, now can you?

"I can feel the vastness of your being hidden inside that shell. I can see how you are constantly reinforcing it so it may one day be able to hold the true extent of your might. That is not something people do."

Aperio tilted her head, absentmindedly brushing her hand over the feathers of her wings as she pondered the words. It was, perhaps, meant as an insult, but she didn't think that it was, nor did she perceive it as such. There was a kernel of truth in it, after all. She was no longer a normal mortal, something Aperio thought she had already accepted and internalised. Apparently not.

Having it so bluntly pointed out to her that she was more than met the eye did drive the point home. That she could feel the anger of an entire world, and it could feel hers, was definitely something extraordinary; even for the other Gods and Goddesses. It's like my aura, isn't it? Just, bigger.

If her aura caused pain because she had not accepted who she was on a personal level, why should the world — something that was still made from her mana — not react to her own less than complete self-acceptance. Or is it because I killed Vigil and Inanis?

Aperio's hand stopped brushing over her feathers as something clicked in her mind. It's the mortals. It made much more sense than the world itself doing anything that she did not tell it to do. She knew that her mood affected the people around her; had seen how her mana brought her feelings to the ones she had blessed. It only made sense that a small portion of the mortals' feelings would find their way back to her.

And I'm connected to everything.

Enough drops would cause even the largest barrel to overflow. And I killed three deities, two of which had a very large following. The number of people stricken with grief or thrown into a rage surely numbered in the millions. And it's not just Verenier.

If her daughter had followers on other worlds, Vigil and Inanis would have had some too. What have I done? She hadn't stopped to think before she executed the two of them; the memory she had reclaimed underlined their betrayal with inescapable truth.

A defeated sigh escaped Aperio's lips as she stood up to her full height, the tiny wisps that floated around her glowing slightly brighter as she drew a bit more mana from her well. That really became second nature fast, didn't it?

She had not directly thought about drawing more from her well, having simply sighed and taken a breath of the nothing. Now, how do I calm millions of mortals that lost their God or Goddess? Aperio asked herself, ignoring that Diskrye had started to play with her mana wisps again. Reveal myself as the one true Goddess? No, that would be stupid. Once they figured things out, it would direct their anger more squarely at me.

Why can't I feel their emotions up here? Mana doesn't care if it is in space or not. So many things did not make sense to her, things that seemed like contradictions to how she perceived the world to work. Aperio started to pace back and forth, her feet somehow finding purchase on the nothing of space even without a conscious use of her magic.

An inspection revealed nothing to her. The threads that connected Verenier to her were devoid of any emotion, just a steady stream of mana that informed her about the world itself. Aperio, however, had no use for the information it provided. Why do I need to know how hot a specific spot is? The world gave off more information than anyone would ever need to know, but still somehow lacked the specific thing she was looking for.

She could not exactly cut herself off from the world and simply ignore what came from it. Nor did she want to force anything on the mortals below; they were not responsible for what their Gods did and had every right to be upset. Aperio was also still angry with herself for what she had done to Laelia, even if the woman herself did not seem to mind it.

So, the best I can do is to just ignore it? She did not like the idea, for it came too close to taking away her freedom to do as she pleased. But forcing the issue could make it worse… Perhaps Ferio could help? Or one of the others? Aperio did think that at least one of them would know about shielding themselves from outside influence. But then, what they deal with is most likely very different.

The only thing she could do to find out was go and ask them. The thought of doing that brought forth the feeling of disgust that had already become a companion to her. A rather annoying one. At least it's getting better. She was no longer feeling like her nonexistent breakfast would leave her any time she wanted to ask a question.

"Thank you," Aperio said to the formless shadow.

The entity seemed cheery again, appearing to have forgotten their rather heavy talk from just moments ago. "I do hope you visit me again soon, Mistress. At least within the next century, yes?"

A century is not soon by any stretch. While that might be true for most everyone, Aperio had to remind herself that she did spend a week floating in a bath of soul-water without even noticing the passage of time. Do I just turn off? She had not done much at the time, simply concentrating on healing the mortals.

With a slight shake of her head, Aperio focused on the planet below her. It was an easy task to find her little group of friends, all of them still in the house of healing. They seemed to be consoling a very distraught-looking Ferio, her daughter seemingly unable to deal with what had transpired much better than Aperio herself. I'm not a good mother, am I?

"Farewell, Diskrye," Aperio said, offering a small wave at nothing in particular before she vanished.

GamingWolf

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