Crusade – Chapter 94: Memory’s Clutch

The first thing appearing to Caethya's waking mind was the warmth of a body held in her arms, followed by a smell she could only describe as heavenly tickling her nose. When she opened her eyes she was greeted with a world of silver-blue, and it took a few blinks for the image to partially resolve into Aperio's hair, too near to be properly focused upon.

Despite the barriers to her vision, her aura readily supplied all she needed to know. Her arms twitched slightly when she realized that the All-Mother had hidden her wings. But Aperio hates removing her wings... did she remove them just so she could lay here with me?

Caethya wouldn't dare say one word of complaint about this, as it was what she had long desired. Simply laying there with Aperio in her arms was worth the pain she had to go through; becoming a Demigoddess was only a cherry on top.

She could feel Aperio shift slightly, the small movement effortlessly pushing her a bit further into the bed. Caethya tightened her hold on her Goddess, ignoring the purer mana that now flowed through her body and, well, simply enjoying the closeness to Aperio.

Even though the All-Mother's body lacked any give, there was a certain softness to it. A certain softness that felt very appealing, and Caethya tried in vain to pull Aperio closer. Despite the grace and ease with which she moved, her Goddess was substantially heavier than she had first assumed. How the mattress could carry both of them and still provide just the right amount of comfort was a mystery.

Caethya took a deep breath, not minding the small tickle against her nose from Aperio's hair. She had not thought there would be a day where she would lay next to the All-Mother, and her heart filled with a warmth that she had not felt before. Aperio might not reciprocate her feelings in full just yet, but the affection she displayed at the moment was already enough for Caethya.

"How are you feeling?" Aperio asked, a sliver of her mana flowing through Caethya and taking away the last bit of soreness she had felt.

"Good," she mumbled into the back of the All-Mother's head. There had been a tinge of worry in Aperio's voice, causing her to tighten her hold further in an attempt to make her Goddess feel safer. "Stronger."

Aperio nodded slightly in reply, only moving her head enough for Caethya to tell that she had heard the answer. Her Goddess had already been gloomy, but it seemed to have increased drastically. Whatever had happened while she was asleep, it could not have been good. It was as though someone had told the All-Mother that the world was going to end. Not that it would likely be much of an inconvenience for her to stop that.

"What's wrong?" Caethya asked after a few more moments of silence, propping herself up on one arm in an effort to look over Aperio's shoulder into her face.

There was no reply, only a shift in the All-Mother's aura. Fear, and uncertainty. Emotions Caethya knew well, but had never expected Aperio to feel, let alone put on display for her to see. Not yet, at least.

Caethya gently ran her fingers along Aperio's ear, just like her own mother had done when she was anxious or scared. The All-Mother pulled away slightly at her touch, seemingly not quite as comfortable with physical contact as Caethya had assumed, causing her to stop the gesture immediately and retract her outstretched hand.

"I cannot remember," Aperio finally said, curling herself up slightly in an attempt to be smaller. "I have condemned countless mortals to suffer and I don't know why, nor where. I was a monster…"

"But you aren't anymore," Caethya said, trying to use her own magic to soothe the All-Mother’s mind. "You can make amends. Find out what happened, and lift the punishment. You know that I will be by your side; helping you as best I can."

She had wanted to express her support more, wrap Aperio in a hug, touch her arm — do something that would show her affection besides the words she had spoken. But the All-Mother shied away from her touch now, and the almost primal fear spreading through her aura weighed heavily on Caethya's mind.

"You don't have to fear anything anymore," she said, carefully resting her hand on Aperio's back. A tide of mana flowed like molten rock beneath her skin, strong enough for Caethya to feel with little effort. The heat of it was subdued, Caethya was sure of it; with such power, the mana should have been outright burning her hand. What is she doing?

She ignored the heat and mana. Instead, she slowly wrapped her hand around Aperio, trying to pull the All-Mother into the embrace but instead only pulling herself closer. In the end, it did not matter. Caethya held on as tight as she could, her head resting against her Goddess' back as she very slowly stroked her arm.

Aperio no longer resisted the touch, only taking slow, deep breaths as Caethya tried to soothe her in the only way she could think of at the moment. Words did not seem to work; the All-Mother was too focused on her own thoughts to hear. She knew how it felt, being trapped by your own mind, endlessly berating yourself for things you had no part in.

"Talk to me," she said nonetheless, using her hand to tug a few strands of Aperio's hair behind her ear. "Please."

"I…" Aperio began, her voice barely a whisper. "I don't want to remember. I don't want to know what atrocities my previous self committed. All I wanted was a life of my own."

"Then don't," Caethya replied, her hand shifting to stroke Aperio's arm once more. "Nobody could force you to do something you do not wish to do."

"I cannot leave the mortals to suffer for something they potentially had no part in. If I did that I would be no better than before."

Caethya was not sure how to reply. She had tried to ignore the fact that somehow the All-Mother could not remember most of her life, but the issue at hand could not be solved without first diving into this one.

She sat up, nudging Aperio to lay on her back as she was not able to physically turn her. The All-Mother obeyed, her unblinking eyes staring at Caethya. Her Goddess had stopped breathing as well, seemingly forgetting about it while her mind was occupied with other things.

Caethya brushed away the tear that had formed beneath Aperio's eyes, looking into them as she held her Goddess' head in her hands.

"You do not have to remember to help them," she said, her thumbs brushing over pale unmoving cheeks. There were no blemishes in Aperio's skin, only a few tears staining the pale white beneath her eyes. Those sharp and perfect features were Elven but motionless, and Caethya found herself wondering whether the Goddess had taken the form of an Elf, or Elves had been molded in her image. "If you continue to cling to your past, you will only hurt yourself and those around you more.

"You are beautiful and kind," Caethya continued. "But you are also wild — a force of nature. I cannot imagine what you had to live through in order to forget, what you had to endure as a slave, but I know that you care. Perhaps too much, even."

***

Aperio continued to look at her disciple, suppressing the urge to move away. She wanted to be close to Caethya at the moment, but also not. Her touch — the warmth of her palms against her cheeks — reminded the All-Mother of days and nights she never wanted to remember.

The words spoken also seemed hollow to her. She was not kind; she was selfish. Freeing the slaves might be good for them too, but she did it because the mere idea made her sick. That she knew what their masters might do only made it worse; created an outlet for who knows how many years of hatred.

Aperio did not know how long she had been a slave, her nature as an Elf and now the All-Mother making any guess from appearances useless. As a mortal, she could have been two centuries old and still look the same, and as she was now, she could look how she desired.

The changes any influx of mana brought should change her physical appearance, push her further from the realm of mortal possibility, but it did not.

At least that part is true, Aperio thought in a feeble attempt to shift her mind in a new direction. She liked her new form, enjoyed the reaction the mortals had. Even if it is inconvenient. She would draw attention, probably even from unwanted suitors, something she was not sure yet how to deal with.

"Aperio," Caethya said, hesitating for a moment before she simply leaned closer. "Focus on me. Don't think."

The All-Mother did, her eyes flicking from the black and silver hair of her disciple to her eyes. Much like her own, Caethya's hair had taken on an otherworldly sheen, the silver parts seeming to shift away from her focus as if they did not want to be observed. Her eyes, too, had gained tiny specs of silver mana flowing through them that shifted every time the Elf blinked.

"Breathe, even if you don't have to."

Aperio tilted her head slightly but did anyway, taking slow breaths as she tried to figure out what her disciple was doing.

"I said no thinking," Caethya reprimanded, removing her hands from Aperio's face. "I just want to help you, but that doesn't work if you get lost in thought all the time.

"Stuffing your worries down is not good, even for you," she continued after a moment. "It also hurts those that care about you; makes it seem like you don't want us to help you."

"I don't know what to say," Aperio said, casting her eyes down. "I cannot put into words what is in my mind." Nor do I want to…

"Then don't. You have put thoughts directly into my mind before, why not do that?"

The All-Mother simply looked at her disciple, trying to figure out if she actually meant what she had said. She was not even sure she could convey a memory as well as she could a message and, even if it was possible, what she had lived through was not something she wanted others to experience. Especially not someone she had actually come to care about.

"I do not wish anyone to feel what I had to, nor do I know if I even could."

Caethya sighed at the words, her eyes wandering over where Aperio had clasped her hands above her chest, a small touch of her magic straightening the wrinkles that had attacked her dress.

"If I could, I would forget the time I had to live as a slave," Aperio mumbled. "But would I be me then?"

"I don't know," Caethya replied, lying down next to the All-Mother. "Are you the same person you were before you were a slave?"

It was obvious that her disciple wanted to know more — wanted to ask how she had even managed to become a slave to begin with. Of course, she herself did not know that either, but even if she did, she was not sure if she would share that knowledge. If it worked once, it could work again.

"No," Aperio replied, her eyes flying towards the ceiling. "I am most definitely not the same person I was before. If I was, you would not be here, and even if you were, I would have already punished you for your questions." And possibly for being in my bed and touching me.

"Do you want to be someone else?" her disciple asked after a moment of silence, trying to take hold of Aperio's hand. She allowed the movement, clasping Caethya's hand as tight as she could without hurting her.

"I do not."

Even if she wanted to forget her past, she did not want to forget herself — did not want to become a heartless monster again. She had banished an entire world worth of people to a life of pain and despair; of torture. But they couldn't all have been deserving of such a fate. Perhaps she had taken away those that had been free of sin, and only leaving those that should be punished? That, too, left a sour taste in her mouth. That she could still punish their children, and their children's children, generations and generations of people suffering for things their ancestors had done was a terrible thing. It was only the barest of margins better than punishing the entire world, but perhaps that had been enough for her previous self.

"I don't want to remember who I was, but at the same time I need to remember in order to properly be who I am. I need to know how all of this happened in the first place."

GamingWolf

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