Chapter 430 - My Heart

Angela looked at the notebook in her hands, unsure what to do with it while she tried to understand what Gael meant. Everything to know about his world? Everything he had done? All of him? She had an idea, but what she really wanted to know was why he was giving it to her.

So she asked him just that. "What does this mean?"

Gael lowered his voice as if he was afraid someone would hear them talking—even though the balcony was clearly empty and the music was loud but muffled from the ballroom behind them.

"Angela… In my world, lying is inevitable. I've had to learn that later than anyone in my family. I've made decisions that led to regrets. I've done things I'm not proud of. And I might keep doing them for the rest of my life. You have no idea how incredibly hard this is for me." He tapped the notebook. "I could go to prison for this. I could die because of this…" 

She could feel a massive lump growing in her throat, and her grip on the leather notebook tightened that her hand slightly shook. "Why are you giving this to me if it's so important to you?" She knew why—sort of, but she asked him anyway, wanting to hear it directly from him and not just a figure of thought in her head.

"Because I don't want to lie to you. Not anymore. I want to be truthful. I want us to continue—only if you know exactly who I am and what I've done. And this is the only way I know how to prove to you that I'm not going anywhere. I want you to know me—all of me. Not just the things you think you know or the good things I've shown you." 

His jaw clicked, and his muscles tensed as he added, "You write books and thousands of people love and praise you for your work. I only write this one book, and they would despise me for it. You could despise me for it. Everything in here will tell you why you shouldn't be with me."

Angela's breathing hastened, nearly panting. She realized how heavy the object was in her hand—not literally but figuratively. It was unassuming for something that looked like a regular journal. Slowly, she flipped the first page, and her eyes scanned the set of words scrawled on it.

His handwriting had always been legible; however, she tried to read but couldn't understand a thing. They were words that didn't make sense in a sentence. Words that she hadn't heard or read before that might not even be English at all. Were they Italian? No… It couldn't be that because there were English words put together, but everything seemed so foreign to her. It was like a language she hadn't heard or read about. 

"I don't understand anything here…" she muttered.

"It's written in code that only I…and selected members of my family can read. There are only very few people alive to this day who could decipher this. I can teach you to read it if you want."

Angela flipped the pages, and true enough, they all seemed unreadable. 

Gael grew tense by the minute that she didn't respond. He understood that she was still trying to process things. And when she looked up to him, he told her, "Giving this to you on your birthday might be the biggest mistake of my life. As much as I want to convince you that I can justify some things I've done, I…won't do it. You're free to judge me however you like. And I'm ready. Whatever your decision will be."

"What will I find here?"

He briefly glanced at the notebook, contemplating his words. Then he looked her straight in the eyes, his stare intense and stern. "Less than legal businesses I own. Contrabands and clandestine operations we run. Dates. Details. People I've hurt… People I've killed… How they were disposed…"

Angela flinched. The massive lump in her throat grew even bigger, she could hardly breathe. This man before her, the man she loved, just told her he had hurt and killed people. Possibly recently.

Her heart raged in her ribcage. She wanted to vomit. But she gulped and didn't look away from him. She was afraid. So scared, tears spilled out of her eyes involuntarily. This wasn't new information to her. In fact, Angela remembered that night around the time he came back to Mayne last December when he admitted it himself. But still, hearing it from him right now made her realize that this was her reality.

The truth. His truth. 

And it was brutal.

Violent.

Wrong. 

She really should disengage from men like him. It's the most logical thing to do.

If someone tells you they've done horrible things, you're supposed to run away.

When he brushed his fingers on her cheeks to wipe her tears, she couldn't pull away. His familiar warmth and scent kept her locked in place.

"By the end of tonight," he began, "...if you decide you don't want to be with me, I'll understand. And I won't blame you if you want to take this to the authorities. You can put me in jail for a lifetime."

The glass door swung outward, and Oliver peeked his head, waving at them. "Dad wants to make a toast soon. Come back when you're ready." Then he closed the door, leaving Gael and Angela alone again.

She exhaled, her breath shaky as she gave the notebook back to him. "I can't."

Gael stiffened. The notebook now back in his hand felt hot. Hearing those words shattered his heart. He hoped she'd still love him, but if she couldn't accept who he really was, there was no point staying here, really. He expected two outcomes—either she accepted him whole, or she didn't. There was no in-between.

He nodded, stepped back, realizing there were no words appropriate to say to her except goodbye, and he didn't want to say it. So instead, he muttered in a low, disappointed tone, "You should go back inside."

Angela's eyes widened, seeing the look on his face and the way his eyes were now avoiding her. She grabbed his arm and gripped it tight until he met her gaze again. "No, Gael. I don't mean that." She shook her head, annoyed that the two words she said were misunderstood. She sighed.

Closing their distance, her hand slid down to his, and she held it firmly. "When I said I can't, I meant I can't do that to you. I can't betray you like that. I wouldn't." Her brows drew together in a furrow. "I don't think you understand how I really feel about you."

Gael shook his head slowly, his lips slightly parted and his eyes expectant.

She placed his hand on her chest where her heart was supposed to be. He should feel her heartbeat and know the truth in her words, know that it was beating for him. 

"Gael, I don't care what you do or what you did. I truly…genuinely want you. I. Love. You. All of you. The good, the bad, the ugly."

His mouth opened and closed as if he didn't know what to say. As if he couldn't comprehend her feelings for him—or that he couldn't believe they existed. 

"You really mean that?"

Angela let out a sigh, a smile lacing on her lips. Confessing to him before felt so scary. And it hurt when he didn't say it back. But now, it didn't bother her anymore. It actually felt liberating to say it to him again. It didn't matter that he wouldn't tell her he loved her because she already knew that. She could feel it. His actions were evidence.

Of course, she still wanted to hear him say it, but she could wait. Him giving her the notebook meant so much to her that her heart nearly burst out of her chest. Gael trusted her. He gave him the one thing that he couldn't give to just anyone that wasn't part of his dark world. This alone was more valuable than just any gift that money could buy.

"Every word," she said.

Gael smiled. He picked her up and hugged her so tight, he didn't want to let her go. Then he set her down, holding her face so that he could kiss her. "Il mio cuore è tuo, amore mio." He claimed her lips and kissed her deeply until they were both panting.

"I don't know what that means, but I like the sound of that." She chuckled.

"It means my heart is yours. I'm all yours." He tucked her hair behind her ear. "From now on, you can ask me anything you want to know. No more secrets from me. This is happening, Angel. We're doing it. You deserve everything I can give you and more."

Angela circled her arms around his waist and pressed herself against him as if she could absorb all of him that way.. "You're all that I need."