181 The blind leading the blind

It appeared she had woken up earlier than the rest and was taking this time to sob a little bit while nobody was looking.

Marcus felt he should try to talk to her to see if she was ok, but he didn't want to get her by surprise, so he tried to walk with heavy steps so she could hear him coming over.

The girl quickly noticed the lad approaching and wiped her tears before facing him.

"Hey, Ellie... Did you manage to sleep well...?" he asked while trying to check on the state of her expression.

She turned around to show a fragile attempt at a smile, "Hey, Marcus... Yeah... I have all my energy back... I'm ready to take on the next ring..."

That wasn't exactly what Marcus had asked, but he assumed she probably didn't want to talk about it.

He also assumed she wasn't in the mood to chat with him at all considering their history, so he thought about leaving her alone, but now that Lilith was in the state she currently was, it would become his job to take care of Ellie, so he felt they should try to settle their differences now before moving forward.

"Hey, Ellie-"

"I'm so sorry!!" Ellie interrupted him.

Marcus was surprised, "Uuh... You're sorry...? For what?"

"I was thinking about the way I treated you before... I said some pretty stupid things to you... And all you ever did was try to help... I'm so sorry..."

Marcus was thinking back to how Ellie behaved around him. Most of her actions resulted in trying to stop him from getting to close to Evlin due to him being her enemy in the past. Marcus honestly didn't mind it too much. He was genuinely kinda glad that at least someone wasn't acting like his mistakes weren't such a big deal.

He knew that people were trying to make him feel welcomed, but constantly trying to make it seem like his errors could so easily be swept under the rug, made him feel like his action had no value as if they would accept him no matter what he did.

Ellie giving him a hard time felt like the first time someone was looking at him for what he was, and not for what they wanted him to be.

"I don't mind... You did all that because you wanted to keep your aunt safe... And it's not like I am a saint either... I deserve this kind of treatment for what I've done..."

Ellie tilted her head a little, "How could you say that...? You almost died trying to save my family! Trying to save me!! You have done nothing wrong ever since I met you!!"

"But I have done plenty wrong before... Being good now doesn't mean that I was good before... Nor does it mean that the bad I used to do just gets erased..."

Ellie looked at him for a bit after hearing that and decided to continue her speech, "... My aunt talked with me about you... You know?"

"Yeah... When we were training my magic... She asked why I was being so mean to you... She told me you were not a bad kid..."

'So she still viewed me as a kid...' Marcus thought while getting a little depressed.

"She told me you just did what you did because you were suffering... Because you were lonely... And because you didn't know what to do..." Ellie continued.

"I guess... But that doesn't erase my past... I still did plenty wro- Oh...!" Marcus decided to shut up when he realized what Ellie was doing. She wanted to hear from the mouth of someone who had made many mistakes if he was allowed to forgive himself, and the reason she wanted to ask that, is because she was in that position right now.

"I see... Makes sense after all..." Ellie replied while looking down.

"No, no, Ellie, I didn't mean that!!" Marcus desperately tried to correct himself.

Ellie just looked at him confused. Marcus didn't want her to feel bad about what she did, but how could he convince her that it was ok for her to not let that get her down while he himself still felt affected by it?

"I mean... Yeah, I did some stupid stuff... But that doesn't mean..." Marcus tried to convince himself of the lie he was about to tell, the lie he never truly believed in, "that doesn't mean I'm a bad person... Right?"

Ellie got even more confused. One second Marcus was telling her it was ok to be harsh on him because he used to be a bad person, next he was saying he wasn't so bad after all. The girl was getting some really mixed signals.

Marcus just covered his face and took a deep breath, "Look... what I'm trying to say is... I don't mind you being hard on me because... It makes it feel like I'm paying for my actions..."

"... And... That's good...?"

"It's... It's good for me... Because it shows that you care about what's right and what's wrong..."

"So I deserved to get punished as well..." Ellie looked down again, "I should have gotten blinded... Not Lilith..."

"No, no, no!!! That's not what I meant!!" Marcus shouted while trying to raise her face.

"Then what DO you mean??? Am I bad or not?? Do I deserve to get punished or not???" Ellie shouted while tearing up again.

Marcus honestly didn't know what he meant so he just began to shout as well, "You don't HAVE to get punished just because you made a mistake! You just want to get punished so you won't feel so bad about it!!!!"

"..." the girl didn't know how to react.

"You think... You think that if no one calls you out on what you did then you will end up forgetting the mistakes you made!! And you don't want to forget them because you don't want to forgive yourself!! But I'm here to tell you that you don't have the right to NOT forgive yourself!!"

"Why not!!??"

"Because... Because..." why did she had the right to forgive herself? Marcus wondered. Because she didn't mean to? Because she was a kid? Because there were people out there much worse than her?

"Because if you don't forgive yourself... Nothing will change!! And you will be stuck in this hole of shame that you carved for yourself for the rest of your life, and will end up missing the chance to actually living your life like you were supposed to!!"

"..."

"And when you do that... You stop making your mistakes being about the people you hurt... And end up making them be about you..." Marcus continued, not knowing if he was talking to Ellie or to himself, "You don't get to be the biggest victim after you hurt someone... You have to help the actual victim!! And you can't help anyone... If you don't try to help yourself first!!"

"He- Help myself...?"

Marcus grabbed onto Ellie's shoulders, "I know you hate yourself right now for the mess you started... But that doesn't mean you need to hate yourself forever... Because your misery will just keep piling up at this rate, and make those who care about you miserable as well..."

"I see..." Ellie looked down again, "I don't have the right to feel sad because that will just cause more problems for others..."

"No! No, no... That's not what I... You have the right to feel sad just not... Ugh!! I don't know..."

Ellie then slapped his hand away after being tired of his back and forth, "Would you just give me a real answer???"

Marcus looked at her while gazing at the uneasiness in her eyes and wondered if he could actually even give a real answer. Ellie needed help, guidance, but he wasn't sure if he was the right guy for the job, despite how much he wanted to be.

"Fine..." he said before taking a deep breath and praying that he could give a good response, "...what do you want to know??"

"... ... ..." Ellie stayed quiet for a moment before wondering what she really wanted to ask and finally released her words while holding a teary-eyed face, probably the most devastating face that Marcus had ever seen, "do I still deserve to be happy...? After all I did?"

"..." Marcus thought very hard about his next couple of words "You didn't do these things because you wanted to... You did it because you-"

"TELL ME YES OR NO!!!"

"... ... ... Yes!! Yes, you still have the right to be happy..."

"Why!!??"

"Because... ... ..." Marcus searched in the back of his mind. For something, anything, that could help him convince this girl not to hate herself. He tried to remember something that Daren and Lilith told him once, something that they explained to him the first time he asked why they were being so kind to him despite all he had done to them.

They tried to give him many reasons as to why he deserved a second chance. Because he was being mistreated, because he was confused, because he was lost, he was hurt, he was young... But the fact of the matter was that none of that mattered. There was one reason that the two gave that trumped all over the others. A reason that Marcus himself almost forgot, something that he heard that would often give him strength to move on when he wanted to give up.

"Because everyone has the right to be happy..." he finally declared.

"..."

"I'm sorry if that's not a good enough answer to you... But it is good enough for me... You have the right to be happy... And you shouldn't try to take that away from you just because you feel bad about your actions..."

"..."

"And neither should I..." Marcus then stood up and began to walk away.

"Marcus...? Where are you going?" Ellie asked as she saw the silver-haired lad marching back to where they were camping.

"I'm going to settle something."

He returned to where the group had slept in and noticed Lilith still resting on the bed Ellie created for her. He turned around and spotted the one he wanted to speak with.

Detra was sitting on a rock while stretching her neck, acting like she had just woken up. She saw him approaching with a determined look on his face.

"What do you want...?" she asked.

"We need to talk..." Marcus replied.