Chapter 90 - 73

Rayven went back to his room as tears streamed down his face. Finally, he had let it out. He was relieved but at the same time, the pain worsened. He caused yet another person to get hurt because of him but also saying what he did to his sister out loud, was the most painful punishment he received in all of his years being punished. 

Dragging himself across the halls, he came to his room at last and locked himself in. He sat leaning against the door and for the first time let himself fully cry. Strange sounds he has never before left his mouth to ease the aching in his heart. "I am sorry." He cried. "I am very sorry." 

His sister must have cried alone like this, while hurting, bleeding. She must have been so cold and lonely. Lucrezia gave him a taste of what his sister went through. But it was only a taste. He knew this would hurt much more if someone he cared for was the cause of it. 

Rayven grasped his hair hard, gritted his teeth to stop the sounds coming from him but he couldn't. He cried until his body jerked until he couldn't even breathe and then he hummed "I am sorry."

What would 'I am sorry' solve? He wasn't worthy of saying those words. He felt nauseous and teleported outside before his stomach turned, but there was nothing to throw up. His stomach was empty. 

The sky rumbled, but rain refused to fall. Refused to join him in his cry. Unable to endure the pain, he teleported to Lucrezia's cave. He came here to beg for death but suddenly felt like he didn't deserve it. He wanted her to punish him instead. 

"Lucrezia!" He yelled but then wondered what he was doing. Why was he bothering people just because he was in pain? Why was he being so selfish?

Lucrezia appeared in front of him, dressed in a nightgown. He disturbed her sleep. He always thought the women didn't sleep like the devil. 

Demons could stay without food for very long periods but sleep was essential. They didn't have to sleep every night but at least two or three nights every week. 

Rayven just stood there looking at her and she stared back at him with narrowed eyes. 

"I need to be punished." He panted. 

"And what wrong have you done?" 

"You love to punish anyway."

She chuckled. "I love to punish wrong deeds and you, my dear are doing more right than you ever did. I have no desire to punish you."

He put his hand on his chest. He was suffocating. 

Lucrezia came closer to him and put her on his chest. "Relax." She told him, but he couldn't. He felt like he was drowning and panic settled in. 

"You are making a lot of progress and the feelings you have been suppressing all those years are coming out now. It will be very painful for a while. It is good you are crying and letting it out." 

Rayven tried to breathe in but his chest and back hurt. It was as if he breathed in daggers that stabbed his insides. Every breath felt like a stab. 

"What do you see in me that is redeemable?" 

She sighed. "You are redeemable if you redeem yourself. Do you think your mother wanted you to pay for your sins just so you could die at the end or do you think she wanted you to change? Your mother killed herself so you would have to pay for one lesser sin. Are you going to repay her by dying? Or by becoming the son that she wanted you to be?"

How could he do that?

"By killing Demos. No part of you should be anything like Demos. Why do you think I gave you a new name? I am waiting for the moment you completely become Rayven. I gave you the name of my favorite animal. Don't disappoint me now." 

Rayven? The bad omen name?

"Yes. Ravens are a symbol of bad omen, death, darkness, evil, and destruction. But they also represent change, transformation, healing powers, adaptability, and fearlessness. Isn't the name fitting? You could choose either side."

Rayven felt like he was already falling off on the other side. It felt like he was dying a slow and painful death. 

"You will be alright. Go home now." She told him. 

Home? He had no home. That was just a place where he hid his living corpse. 

"You have a home now and a wife."

Wife? She was probably recoiling with disgust as she should. 

Lucrezia sighed. "Well then maybe you should work on being Rayven since she is disgusted by Demos." 

"I was going to use her. I am still the same." He said. 

"Were you? Would you marry any woman to get your face back? Rayven, you stopped caring about your face a long time ago." 

"I didn't." 

"What you did do and what you want to do are different. You want to care about your face but you don't. Now even more than ever because you are afraid of seeing Demos in the mirror."

Rayven shook his head in denial. 

"You are smarter than this Rayven, but I understand that you haven't used your brain for anything other than agonizing for a long time. But think! Who is ruining your face because I am not?"

Rayven kept shaking his head. It couldn't be true. What he suspected couldn't be true. "I… I am ruining my face." 

The painful breathing returned. He suspected something but hadn't wanted to believe it. If he was the one how was he supposed to stop it? No amount of negotiation or a period of punishment would make the scarring end, because he was doing it to himself and he didn't know how to stop. 

"I won't disturb you anymore." He said flatly and then teleported back to his room where he let himself fall into his bed. He didn't need to find out anything else about himself. 

Rayven didn't know how long he lay there but his tears had dried while he silently drowned in the pain that weighed on his chest. But while enduring his ears strained and he tried to listen to the sound of Angelica. 

Was she alright? He had thought that she would only hate him and be disgusted but she had seemed sad as well. Maybe even pained. 

Of course. For her, she was stuck with him. A cruel murderer. He had married her, dooming her to an eternity with him unless he succeeded in killing himself. But even then what would she gain from his death? 

He closed his eyes surprised that he was thinking of many things today that he usually avoided. That explained the agony he was going through. 

After hours of suffering, he got out of bed and decided to find something to ease the pain. He looked for his dagger but he couldn't find it where it usually was. He didn't bother looking for it anymore. He wanted to find something new, something more painful to hurt himself, so he punched the mirror in his room, causing it to shatter and fall around his feet on the floor. His eyes searched for a jagged one. Stepping over the broken pieces without caring if they scarred his feet he picked the piece with the roughest edges. 

Rayven stared at it for a long while wondering if this would do. He tested it on his hands but the pain wasn't enough. Today he needed something else. Something much more painful. 

Leaving his room, he walked through the halls, enjoying the pain caused by the broken pieces of mirror stuck in his feet. He made his way to the room that had a balcony. When he opened the door, he was greeted by the morning light and the promise of a new day. If only he looked forward to it, but he shrank in fear of what more pain this day would hold. 

Stepping outside he leaned over the rim to look down. He was high up enough to break some bones if he fell. Without further thought, he climbed to stand on the rim. He had only done something like this once before and it had been a pleasant experience. The healing of broken bones was very painful in comparison to flesh. The bones had to get back into their shape and place which made the healing process agonizing. 

Rayven looked down again as the wind whipped his hair back, but he hesitated to jump. Did he deserve to be released from this pain, even if it was temporary? He should suffer. 

'You have committed great sins, my son and you will pay for it.' Rayven remembered his mother's words. He was indeed paying. Was his mother watching? 

The thought of his mother watching him made his legs tremble. He shouldn't jump. 

"Rayven?"

Rayven stiffened upon hearing his name. Was this a dream? Was he hallucinating? 

Slowly, he turned his head to look behind him. He found Angelica standing near the balcony door. Her face had never looked so pale and she stared at him wide-eyed. He could hear her loudly beating heart. 

Her hands trembled at the sides of her body. 

"My Lord, please come down." She pleaded, looking into his eyes. He saw fear in hers. 

Rayven turned around and Angelica squealed, "don't!" She held her hands out "don't… don't move." She stuttered. 

He had almost forgotten that he stood on the rim until he saw the horror on her face. 

She panted as she relaxed when he stood still again. She placed her hand on her chest. "Oh…" It looked like she could barely speak but then she swallowed and looked at his face. "Please…" Holding her hand out she stepped closer. 

"Don't!" He told her. 

She stopped and took a deep breath. "I… understand what you are going through." She began. 

Did she? 

"It is hard and you are in a lot of pain. The loss of your sister haunts you and… and you can't forgive yourself for what you did." 

Rayven's eyes burned with tears again. 

"You have punished yourself, hated yourself, and longed for death. I know. But this is not the solution." She told him. 

"I see no other solution." He said as a tear teased it's way down to his lips. 

She nodded, her eyes still fearful. "I know it feels like there is no way out, but there is always a way."

"Why are you doing this? Did you not hear what I told you earlier? Do you not understand what kind of person I am?" He clenched his hands into fists. 

"I do. I heard you clearly. What you did was horrible but I see that you regret it. And…" Her voice broke as her eyes teared up. "and I just can't ignore the Rayven that I know and what my heart tells me. I wouldn't be here, feeling comfortable around you for no reason. You saved me."

He shook his head as tears streamed down her face. She didn't even know. "I didn't. I married you because I needed something and I married you knowing that I wanted to die. I didn't care what would happen to you after." 

"We didn't marry each other because we cared about each other. I hope that has changed now. I… I care about you." 

Oh no! He didn't want to hear it. He sucked in breath through his teeth. 

"You shouldn't!" He shook his head. 

The tears streamed down her face. "I can't help how I feel." She cried. "I believe in you. I believe you can do better than this. I believe you care about me too. Even a little."

"I wanted to kill you. What makes you think I won't if I come down?" 

"Maybe you won't if you come down but you sure will if you jump. I have lost many people. They all left. Don't do it too. Don't leave me all alone." She begged while crying. 

To see her cry like that, with her body shaking pained him. How could she ask him to be with her after everything? He couldn't understand. 

How was he supposed to die now? How could he leave her like this? 

She wiped her tears away. "You have helped me a lot. Let me help you." She reached her hand out again and took a step closer. "If not for yourself, at least do it for your sister. It is harder to live, isn't it? If your sister was a kind soul like you described her, she wouldn't want you to do this."

His heart clenched at the thought of his sister not wanting him to die. She was one to always cheer for him. He had two kind and strong women in his life which he never appreciated and now he was blessed with yet another. What did he do to deserve these blessings? What did he do to be worthy of having this woman as his wife? 

He stared at her hand reaching for him and then slowly reached back for her. Angelica was quick to step forward, grab his hand and pull him down.. Then before he could even think, she wrapped her arms around him and began to cry.