86 To survive this pain

the young girl is around eight. she has a big smile on her face. her clothes aren't dirty. she has chubby cheeks and clean skin. the girl is cheerful and bright, untouched by what is going to happen to her in a few days.

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it's my house. i can't call it my house anymore. i am not a takeuchi. 

the girl tilts her head. "why do you think?"

kamiyama hitomi comes to the girl's side. she's looking at her with profound love in her eyes. on the left side of the girl, takeuchi seiji reaches for her hand to hold it. they look like a perfect family of three - mother, father, and daughter.

they are as perfect as the castle of cards, easily broken by a breeze. 

what a beautiful illusion!

suddenly, the girl is alone. there is no kamiyama hitomi or takeuchi seiji by her side. the girl can't understand what is going on. the faceless people point at her.

"daughter of a dirty woman!"

"i heard that her mother was pregnant with her child."

"her father left her. maybe, she's not his daughter either."

"wild species! she will grow up and seduce men just like her mother."

the girl bows down her head and hears it. it's not that they can't see her tears. it's not that they can't hear her sobs. they choose to ignore. the pain of a child without a father and a mother is none of their business. what matters is that they can gossip and point fingers at someone who is present in front of their eyes. 

"what did i do wrong?" she turns around and asks me. her quiet sorrow is haunting to me. "why did i suffer?"

i don't know how to answer her.

she sighs. i see her rapidly changing. there are bruises on her. her clothes are no longer clean. the smile has disappeared. she's surrounded by kids her age, pointing and laughing. her mouth is stuffed with dirt. she throws up in front of everyone, entertaining them. some have already left, disgusted. nobody comes to help her.

sitting in front of her grandparents, the girl can barely look at the food. she can't forget what they made her eat. she is disgusted by herself. 

"rie chan, i made your favorite food." her grandmother pushes it to her. to make her grandmother happy, she tries to eat. she can't swallow it down. the food tastes like trash that they made her eat. she throws up and hears kids laughing around her. 

"what happened to you?" her grandmother holds her before she clutches her stomach and faints.

one by one, the memories are repeating. the girl becomes a teenager. she finds solace in gaming. still, she has to go to school to experience nightmares. 

"can you still not answer why it happened to me?" the girl looks at her without any emotion. "you still don't know. nothing has changed then."

"why do you ask?" i question her. "i never did any wrong. then, why did this happen to me? i have always been a..."

"a pitiful person?" the girl laughs at me. 

"i am not...," i shout at her. "don't call me that."

"i will tell you why." the girl morphs into hashimoto chisa. "it's because you deserved it. rie chan, you can try acting brave. you will remain the same. you are too weak to fight me. you can't even face yourself."

she steps toward me. i realize that i am frozen on my feet. i can't see anyone other than her. i see a small child is running toward me. chisa also notices it. a cold smile appears on her lips. 

"don't come," i scream at the child. "go away... don't come."

the child doesn't stop. he runs toward me while laughing. his eyes are sparkling with happiness. before he can reach me, chisa grabs him by his neck. i scream at her to stop. "chisa, stop right now."

"come and stop me then." she smirks at me. "can you? i doubt it. you are the same rie. you can't even protect yourself. can you protect your loved ones?"

sound of bone snapping. the child's neck is twisted abnormally. he melts in her hands. she stands up and walks to me. her bloody hand touches my cheek. "why do you try when you have no strength to fight? you should hide again to survive this pain."

the sound of the sharp ringing of the phone wakes me up. i don't know how long i stared at the ceiling. my body is covered with a cold sweat. how many times will i see this? the ringing doesn't stop. i get out of the bed. my head is aching. i reach for the glass of water.

it falls from my hand when the damn phone starts ringing again.

who is trying to kill me this early in the morning? i don't have the energy to talk to anyone.