207 If you are incapable of feeling love

"don't touch it," yuta yells, nearly begging. but, the cruel girl grabs it hard with an unhappy face. "let me go now."

she sits up and turns her head towards him while holding it with her hand. she feels pity for the boy when she sees tears coming out of his eyes. before she can loosen her fingers around his small penis, she hears him threatening her again. "i am going to kill you for sure, kirishima yuki."

incensed, she tightens her fingers and glares at him. "why do you always say that you want to kill me? if i rip it off, won't you die here?"

is this a child? yuta swallows hard. his dignity has been ripped off. a little girl is holding his small thing. he already feels like dying of shame. he wants to jump into the pacific ocean and drown. before anything else, he just wants her to let go of it. but, why is she looking at him with rage in her eyes? he should be mad at her. she killed him. she scraped off last of his dignity right in her room. he growls at her, "you can't rip it off."

yuki pulls it harder with a sweet smile.

"what do you want from me, woman?" yuta tries to grab her hair. she moves away, squeezing his member harder, digging her nails into the skin. he gasps in pain. she's keen on ripping it off for sure. she's been crazy since young. "let me go now. why are you torturing me when you should be asking your mother why she let you believe that you are a boy?"

"if you say please, i will let this thing go." yuki pays no heed to his questions. asking her mother and grandfather is useless. they won't answer her. she will question her father after he comes back home. but, she wants to teach this boy a lesson for wronging her. this is a perfect opportunity. "apologize to me."

"for what?" yuta barks. "you should be apologizing to me."

"why should i be apologizing to you?" she furrows her brows. "i did nothing wrong. you were the one who attacked me first. because of you, i hurt my wrist. you sneaked into my room. you kept telling me that i was a girl."

her cheeks are wet with tears as the shock begins to settle in. that book came from her mother's room. her father did lie to her. the birth certificate is a lie and she's also a lie. she's not a boy. 

it doesn't matter to her whether she's a male or female. it's all the same to her. she doesn't care what her mother or grandfather thinks. she only cares about one person. but, why did her father lie to her? all of them have been lying to her.

"everyone should apologize to me. i did nothing wrong and yet, i get beaten up. i play the violin like the way they want, but they are never satisfied. they still hurt me. my mother hates me and i don't know why. my father lied to me and broke his promise. he was going to take me away from this place. he told me that there was a better place where nobody would hurt me anymore. he told me to be good. i did everything that they told me to do. i don't understand. why did he lie to me? does he not love me anymore? why is my mother disgusted with me?" yuki wails with a hoarse voice. she wants someone to answer her. she doesn't understand why is this happening to her. "i want my father. give me my father. i don't want to play music. i hate it. i hate my mother the most. i hate my grandfather. i only want my father."

she cries louder, hoping that her voice will reach her father. "come back, father. i will be a good child. i will do everything that you want me to do. even if i hate playing music, i will play it. even if my fingers hurt, i will play it. i won't make any complaint. i won't cry to anyone. please come back. i won't let mother get angry with you anymore. i want to see you again. i want you to hug me again. it hurts, father, but i can't cry because you told me not to cry in front of them. it hurts a lot."

in the house where only a child's cries are heard, the old man is sleeping in his room. a broken woman is lying on the cold floor in her room. it's not the first time when the child's sobs leaked through the four walls. perhaps, it won't be the last. 

strong arms coil around her shoulders. the man reappears before her eyes. he presses her face to his chest, taking her in his firm embrace. she doesn't want to cry in front of a stranger, but she can't stop herself. she doesn't want to get hugged by him. she wants her father. even if he lied to her, she only wants her father. 

"i am here. cry in my arms. complain to me. why do you keep it inside yourself?" he wipes her tears. he looks into her eyes and tells her with a calm yet assuring voice, "you belong to me, misa, only me. i won't let anyone hurt you. nobody is allowed to hurt you. if you are incapable of feeling love, give me your pain. your pain and tears also belong to me."

her young mind can't understand those words or the pain in his eyes. what is belonging? she doesn't know it. he kisses her forehead and stroking her head with a tenderness that she never felt before. she blinks her eyes. the man is gone again. in his place, it's yuta who is looking at her with the same pain that was inside that man's dark eyes. 

"who is misa?" yuki asks him with puffy red eyes. "my name is yuki."

the boy gives her a smile that is free of hate or disgust. he cups her face and takes a long glance at her. "you look like a red piglet when you cry."

yuki curls her fingers and punches his nose. "rabid dog! you haven't learned a lesson yet."

"so energetic!" yuta laughs and grabs her fists. at least, she's not crying anymore. "have you eaten your breakfast yet?"

the girl becomes still. she didn't eat dinner last night. her mother isn't awake yet. her mother is nicer to her when her father is here. 

she's used to it. "what does that got to do with you?"

"come with me." yuta pulls her along with him and opens the door. his balls hurt with each step. he ignores the pain. he should have just let her see it instead of resisting it so much. she's only a little kid who is born in the wrong family.

"where are you taking me?" yuki still feels upset, but she walks beside him anyway. she doesn't hate him the same way she did before. since he's being nice to her, she will be nice to him.

"my father's cooking level is michelin star chef level." that's the only explanation that he offers to her. nobody is there to stop them as they walk out of the desolate house. yuki looks back once. it seems that her family is still asleep. she hopes that they stay asleep until she comes back.