230 Diary of Christopher Ash -- Part 7

after christie's funeral, my mother sent adrian to a boarding school. he hated us already. his hate was different from what ayaka felt for me. i was more determined to keep her away from me. i was afraid that i would turn into something like my mother. 

i found my solace in music. my father became fond of me. he would ask me to play the violin instead of my mother. my mother started taking me to the concertos with her. in country e, i took part in several contests. i was recognized for the talents that i inherited from my mother. my pictures were published in the newspapers. 

ayaka hated me more. she wasn't good at music. she didn't get the attention or approval she needed. but she didn't know anything. a price must be paid if one wants to achieve perfection. what my mother and i paid was our humanity.

perhaps, we were never humans. we are demons with the flesh of humans. we are twisted creatures. we are sinners.

a year ago, my mother died in a plane crash. it was unexpected that a creature like her would get such an easy death. a few months before she died, i asked her if she ever loved christie kang.

"i loved her so much that i die every day after her death." she laughed. "her fate was sealed the moment she kissed me for the first time. i destroyed the woman i loved with my own hands until nothing was left. it would have been better if i never met her. christopher, sinners like us know that we don't deserve love; yet we seek love like starving people. adrian and anna cannot be saved either. you know why? because they are ash. we are meant for tragic endings."

that day, she talked to me for a long time. it was the day christie died. she opened her violin's case. she played a new piece for me. it was called 'the last wish'. 

it wasn't finished. 

to be honest, it wasn't truly her work. the original piece was created by the first leader of the consortium. before he died, he told the consortium two things: only his descendants could recreate that piece and it could grant anyone's last wish if it was played from the soul. 

many tried to recreate the piece after the leader's death. there are many versions of that piece of music available in the records, but none of them is right. my mother was the only one who got the first half right. 

i wonder what my mother's last wish was. she left an unfinished musical piece behind. kirishima naoki became more unstable after her death. i cannot save him. 

after her death, nagasawa kantaro came to see ayaka and i. ayaka had to go through the test too. she found out about the consortium that day. i could do nothing to keep her from knowing. but nagasawa kantaro didn't tell her anything about sylvester or christie. i was glad that she didn't find out. she seemed excited about the test and the consortium. we were taken to the consortium's headquarters.

in the hall, i also saw adrian. he hissed at me before he took a step forward toward the violin in the middle of the hall. the test was simple. one had to play a musical piece on the old violin. we would be judged on the basis of our skills. when adrian played the old violin, no sound came out. he blinked his eyes and tried again. the result was the same. 

nagasawa kantaro asked him to step aside. he tried to argue with him. nagasawa shook his head. two men in black suits came forward and dragged adrian away. nagasawa called for ayaka next. she was quite nervous. her musical skills were below average. still, she tried to play the violin and i heard no sound. not a single sound. i found it odd. 

when it was my turn, i felt cold sweat trickling down my spine. i was sure that there were many eyes watching me right now. if i failed, i didn't know what would happen to ayaka. i held the violin. i felt that it was like the one that i have used for a long time. i closed my eyes and played the first note of the last wish. my heart found calmness when i heard the sound. the violin was different and strange. i felt like it was listening to my woes and responding to my cries. the darkness, for the first time, felt warm. i was losing myself when i realized that i didn't know the next note. the last wish was half-finished. 

i was told by nagasawa that i was the chosen heir. i still had to wait a year before i took the seat of the president. till then, nagasawa kantaro would act as a regent. 

ayaka found another reason to hate me. the consortium was another thing that she wanted, but she could never have it. i didn't want it, but i was stuck with it. when i came back home, i played the last wish. it was never the same. i realized that some notes could never be played right on any violin other than that one. 

i don't know why that violin is different. i had other worries. nagasawa told me to choose a sacrifice. he said that it had to be done within a year. 

the sacrifice is still ayaka.

***

[september 27th 200x]

there are two ways to kill a person -- take their life or their soul.

i don't want ayaka to die. if i take her soul for some time, can i give it back once she was no longer in danger? 

can a broken person get fixed again?

if i break her, will she ever forgive me?

i don't know. i am her elder brother. i don't have much time left. if i don't do something, the regent will do something much more horrible. i am afraid. now, i know why my mother killed christie. death was better than forcing a person to go through the pain that they do not deserve. i am starting to see that my mother was a better person than i was. at least, she had the courage to release her lover's soul from a painful existence. i can't do that to ayaka. even if she hates me, i love my sister too much. i would rather die than see her lifeless body.

if my death could solve problems, i would have sought it long ago. if the heir dies, she will become a doll of the consortium. i cannot let that happen either. 

***

[october 9th 200x]

i decided to use kirishima naoki to break ayaka's soul, though i hate it. he has been losing his sanity since my mother died. i don't have to do much. if i get a small scratch on my hand, he hits me first before he goes to her. the physical pain was nothing to me. but ayaka is still not used to it. 

if she lives, there's still hope. 

***

[october 22th 200x]

today, i saw her kissing another boy.

i didn't expect her to do something like that. i was extremely upset. was kirishima naoki's punishment nothing to her? i created wounds on my hands before i went back home. he kicked my stomach a few times before he calmed down. then, ayaka came home. he used his whip on her. i didn't feel upset this time. i was happy. i was trying so hard to keep her alive and she was kissing other boys. i couldn't stop thinking about it. i knew what was happening to me. i was turning into a demon like sylvester ash. i didn't care. i went to her bedroom that night and closed the door. 

i saw her sleeping face and wondered why i was trying so hard. my soul was already broken. adrian was not the same either. the ash family was doomed from the beginning. then, what was the point? if she was going to be tainted anyway, she should be tainted by me.

i wanted to destroy her. i really did. but i could do it. i took a deep breath. i was about to leave when i heard ayaka's voice. 

"what are you doing here?" 

i looked over my head and said, "i came here to take your chastity"

her eyes showed fear for the first time. "you are sick! i am your sister. how could you say something like that?"

i left the room. if my mother hadn't died, i wouldn't be facing this so early. i could find something else that i could love. then, it wouldn't have worked. 

***

mira turns the page. the next page of the diary is blank. there are no more entries to read. he must have been killed by kirishima after that entry. she puts the diary on the floor and looks at the woman standing in front of her. long honey-blonde hair. grey eyes. oval face. porcelain skin. a smile that only speaks of sadness in her heart. 

right in front of her, she sees the same man with blood pouring out of the wounds on his chest. they are in the same alley. the man's body flickers a few times. suddenly, it's yuta instead of that man in the same posture. 

she's not surprised or afraid. there's a dull pain in the back of her head. something is being peeled away from her soul. she stares at the woman and says, "you are me."

the woman gives her hand to mira. "it's time to remember." 

her small hand grabs the woman's long and slender hand. in the next instant, the woman breaks into shards. each shard flows into the child's body and blends into her soul. when the child opens her eyes, they are no longer hesitating or sad. there's only eerie calm.