Chapter 199 - It's been lonely

''I just want to hug you. '' 

He swallowed gazing scorchingly at her. Claire's gaze wandered;

''Okay,'' she muttered silently, taking a step forward she embraced him, her arms going around his waists. Leo hugged her back, holding her closely and lovingly, not wanting to let go.

Claire's heart raced against her chest, he was hugging her in a very strange way; what was wrong with him today? she wondered.

''Alright, call me when you get home, okay?''

Leo whispered; fighting the urge to kiss her hair; Claire nodded, her cheeks rubbing against his chest and after a moment of silence, he let her go.

Her face burned with shyness and she quickly turned to her car, not wanting to look at his face.

''Get home safely; '' she said and entered her car quickly and started the ignition, driving off speedily.

Leo watched her car disappear into the distance and a light sigh left his lips; at that moment, he couldn't say if he was progressing or not, what he was sure of was that he had succeeded in making her uncomfortable, she couldn't even look him in the face anymore; 

Leo turned, walking to his car. What if she didn't want him? What if she only liked him as a friend?

He couldn't help asking a thousand questions; it was eating him up, he wanted to tell her how he felt and get over it quickly but he didn't want to get her scared; saying it all of a sudden could chase her away, he wanted her to adjust to him liking her first.

Claire's heart slammed against her chest as she drove with great speed, the wind sweeping into the car and fanning her face;

Why was she feeling this way?

She asked herself, her hands gripping the steering ever tightly; Leo had hugged her a countless number of times, but this night, why was her heart racing?

He had held her more tenderly, it felt like it was more than a friendly hug, and the way he whispered in her ears made her skin flush, or was she overthinking it?

Claire panted lightly'. she loved Leo a lot but she had never viewed him to be something more, he was her best friend, and she had never looked at him any other way. her brows creased after a moment;

Did he perhaps… like her?

She shook her head quickly as she thought about it. No, there was no way he liked her, they've been friends for years and he never said anything, so she was probably overthinking things, and besides, she took him as just a friend and nothing more.

Claire breathed out heavily as she diverted into her estate.

…

The funeral service was held five days later, grandma didn't want to keep him in the morgue for too long. It went as planned; the guests were limited to family and closest of friends, Grandma fell ill after the burial and the family doctor was called to attend to her.

Nicklaus held Tiana's hand as he drove to the cemetery for the first time in seventeen years. Throughout the ride, she noticed that he was not calm, beads of sweat gathered on his forehead and he gripped the steering once in a while.

She rubbed on his arm; ''Baby we can go back if you're not ready, we can come some other time; '' she said, gazing at him tenderly. Even last night, he was just tossing around on the bed, unable to sleep.

His parent's death anniversary had coincided with Grandpa's burial and it was too much for one to take in. She wished he would listen to her;

''Don't worry, I'm okay; it's just… the memories keep rushing back, but I'm fine, you're here with me,'' he said, kissing her hand. This was the first time he was going back to his family's grave in seventeen years. He never found the courage to, he could not bear to look at their graves, although he could never forget the date, 21st of November, he couldn't bring himself to go there. But he was with Tiana now, she was his rock, and these days with her by his side, he has been able to overcome the fears inside of him. He was able to come out of the dark hole he has been in for years and he knew it was time to go see them.

He needed to tell them how much he had grown; to show them the man he had become, to tell them how he was working very hard to make them proud; and finally to show them the woman he had fallen in love with; the woman that made him see the world differently; the woman who had become his only family.

Nicklaus drove into the Judy Garland's Pavilion and parked in the garage. The car was quiet for a moment as he looked ahead, as though preparing himself; after some time he stepped out and Tiana walked to his side, holding his hand comfortingly as they walked into the cemetery.

It's been long since he'd last been here and Tiana wondered if he still knew where they were buried but she didn't ask; they walked for a while before Tiana saw three beautiful gravestones standing side by side and she felt her heart squeeze,

Nicklaus's steps faltered as they approached the grave, his throat tightening. On the way, he thought he could do it, but at that moment in front of his family's grave, he felt like breaking down.

His heart slammed painfully against his chest as he approached the grave, he didn't know how fast he was breathing until he felt her hands hold his arm tightly. As though her hold was a stabilizer, Nicklaus felt his whole body calm.

She was here; he was going to be okay.

Tiana's eyes fell on the three gravestones with names carved in gold; the gravestones looked very new like they were tended to on a regular basis. Her eyes read the names on the gravestones and her heart squeezed painfully; why would one be so heartless as to end an entire family because of greed? Why?

Her gaze fell on his sister's little gravestone and her eyes clouded with tears; she was six years, she was only' six! Why should her life end so early? What did she do to deserve such pain?

''Mom… '' Nicklaus's voice cut her off from her thoughts and her eyes turned to the gravestone in the middle with the name, Lily Howells' carved beautifully on it;

''Mom… I'm sorry I couldn't come quickly, I'm sorry I took too long. '' His voice quaked and Tiana knew he was trying very hard not to break down;

''I've been bad son, please forgive me… '' he paused; ''I miss you, I miss you so much; it's been hell without you mom; I wish I can see you soon, but I know you would not want that, so I'm going to stay strong, I'm going to stay strong for you. I hope you're happy there, I'm sorry that she's still walking free, I'm sorry that you're still in pain… ''

Nicklaus didn't know when tears began rolling down his eyes; it was so painful that he wished it would just end, flashes of that day came back to him, how he had watched her blood fill the bed without pause, how he had watched life slip out of her ever slowly, watching her wanting to live but not able to, every single detail came back to him.

''I promise you, mom, I'm going to kill her, I'm going to f.u.c.kin' kill her in a thousand ways more unbearable than what she did to you…'' he wept silently before he turned to his father's grave; 

''Dad…'' the pain in his chest was so unbearable that he wished it would just end; his heart squeezed so much that he felt he would faint any moment;

''I miss you, dad, so very much. I wished we had not decided to cancel on the vacation, maybe you all would still be here. It's been so lonely without you, but I'm going to fight hard for you all. I know you're watching me from up there; I just want to let you know that I'll always make you proud. ''

Nicklaus blinked as his eyes turned to the little gravestone at the end, and he bit his lip tightly;

If he could forgive any other thing; he would never forgive Catherine for killing his sister. She was just six! Six-year-old!

Nicklaus fisted his palms tightly; his knuckles turning white;

''Little cinnamon roll; I can't imagine how much you have grown now; you were so little yet you wanted to protect me from the bullies at school, and the only time I should have protected you, I failed. '' Tears blocked his words from coming out, and he lifted his hand to his face, wiping his eyes;

''I wanted to tell you… that day, I was hiding in Dad's wardrobe. I wish I wasn't there, then maybe I could have protected you, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry for letting you die, I'm so sorry for not being the elder brother I should have been. ''

He wept silently; Tiana was quiet, letting him pour his emotions out. For him to cry, meant that he had been holding it all in, she couldn't imagine what it felt like.

''I wanted to show you the woman I fell in love with; '' Nicklaus said, taking Tiana's hand and kissing it;

''Her name is Tiana, she's the most beautiful person on earth and she's been the only one keeping me going. I wanted to tell you that I love her so much and that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her...''