Chapter Thirty-four

Rose

''There's an emergency at the office, I'll be back after dinner. Don't wait for me,'' I look up at Elis, seeing that he's busy fixing his hair by looking at the mirror before making his way towards me, pecking onto my lips and looking straight into my eyes. He leans in once more, this time kissing me longer; which I gladly return.

''I'll be going out too,'' I reply.

He furrows his eyebrows but before he can respond, his phone starts to ring again. Both of his eyes are focusing back at me, ''Be safe. Call me if you need anything,'' He smiles; hurrying out the door.

As soon as the door close shut, I am left with the loneliness that I haven't felt for awhile. Within seconds, I am already tying my hair into a lose ponytail before wrapping a scarf around my neck. After checking one last time in the mirror, I quickly pick up my handbag, walking out the front door with my phone in my hand; truthfully, whenever I walk out of this door, people will see me as normal.

Why?

Well, we don't end up knowing other people's story when they walk down the street, do we?

My heart starts to beat at an unstable pace; leaving me speechless before actually feeling my eyes tearing up, wanting to make me drop onto the ground but I stay still, only looking at him

My heart starts to beat at an unstable pace; leaving me speechless before actually feeling my eyes tearing up, wanting to make me drop onto the ground but I stay still, only looking at him. Yet, he doesn't seem to notice me standing here, he seems busy looking at something else.

I cover my mouth with my hand as I run towards one of the walls; leaning my back and slowly letting the tears fall, accepting my weakness. Without me realising, I am slowly falling onto the ground, replaying the images on my mind—seeing that he hasn't changed much except for the light stubble on his face, making him much more attractive than he already is.

He didn't see me.

Tears are blurring my vision, making me lean my head against the wall; ignoring other people's stare because they don't matter. Elia matter. My head is hurting with the amount of pain that I haven't felt in awhile but now they're coming back with much more force than usual.

To my surprise, I find someone crouching in front of me before wiping away the fallen tears on my cheeks; making me open my eyes and come face to face with him. My eyes widen at the sight of him—seeing that we're undeniably close to each other; knowing that we were once this close. Closer even.

Both of his brown eyes are looking straight into my blue ones, leaving me breathless. I take my time to stare at his every features, realising how I've missed looking at his face—especially appreciating them this way. We have been away from each other for too long, we need this.

He drops his hand before smiling down at me, more like showing his sadness. My whole body feels the sudden sparks from his previous touch; knowing that I've always felt that way with him. I start to sob harder and tears are falling without any signs of stopping once I notice how he's real.

My heart can't take the pain anymore as I quickly make my way towards the other direction; running down the road—leaving him behind because being near him would only cause more pain. My tears are continuing to fall, leaving me breathless and in pain. Mostly sadness.

I immediately stop running when I feel someone pulling me by the waist; making my body being pulled backwards to his. We are standing in the middle of the road with both of his arms around my body as I remain still, crying my heart out, showing all the sadness and pain that I've been dealing.

Elia continues to pull me closer before cupping onto my face, wiping away the tears from falling yet they never seem to stop. I've been holding in too much and now it's time for them to fall, to show. He looks straight at my face, ''Don't. Leave me alone,'' I mutter through sobs.

''We need to talk,'' He clenches his jaw.

''No. I don't want to talk. I don't want anything to do with you. So, let me go.'' I reply, roughly pulling my hands and taking a few steps back but he continues to walk closer towards me—even with me pushing him away; he's trying to lessen the distance between us. For some reason, I'm terrified of him. Not of him hurting me physically but of him hurting me mentally. He has done that.

''Rose, don't do this. I have to tell you everything. Please, it's not safe here.'' He says, making me look into his eyes and stopping my steps; realising that he said my name. How I have always loved the way my name glides smoothly and sound much better with him calling me.

''She's gone. Don't call her,'' I refer to Rose.

Elia seems a little shock at my respond before watching me walk down the road and when I thought that he would not run after me, I am immediately proved wrong. He stops in front of me, holding onto both of my hands, even if I try to push away, he won't budge.

''I'm sorry, I really am. I will explain everything, just come to this address tonight because I'll be there, waiting for you—trust me. Be there, Rose. I'll be waiting,'' He says, caressing the side of my face before running down the other direction as he looks around; as if checking our surroundings. I look down at the piece of paper he has given me, realising that it's an apartment address.

Trust.

The one thing that we've lost.

Other than our love.

''I won't be there. Don't wait for me,'' I mutter to myself before wiping away my tears and quickly walking home—towards my apartment without a single glance back. My heart continues to ache with every step I take, preventing me from going home and just walk towards the address given but I remain stubborn; always wanting to prove myself right. Following my heart will earn me more pain.

When I reach the front door, I immediately feel a slight regret—there's still time and he might have an explanation, he did say we needed to talk. My mind goes blank and for once, I really feel like I should go. My heart and my brain keeps telling me to just go and see him so that we'll be able to sort things through.

''Fuck it,'' I say before running down the road.

It took me about ten minutes to finally reach my destination; the address given by Elia. My eyes continue to wander up the high-rise building before letting out a deep breath after stepping in, the air-conditioner greeting me with the coldness.

Everyone in the building doesn't seem bothered as they continue to talk as they walk out or as they continue to mind their own business—which I gladly prefer. I quickly walk towards the elevator, pressing onto the floor given on the address.

Within seconds, I am already standing in front of Elia's apartment but before I can knock onto the door, he has already opened it for me. Both of his eyes are wide as he pulls me in, closing the door afterwards.

I turn to see that guns are scattered on the kitchen counter, making me inhale deeply. Memories of my past flashes in front of me in a fast motion, without even giving me a chance to reminisce them.

Elia continues to look at me as we enjoy the silence; not bothered to break it

Elia continues to look at me as we enjoy the silence; not bothered to break it. I gaze up at his face, ''You asked me to come here so that we can talk. I think you should start,'' I say, a little harsh but it's quite hard to be all lovey dovey after all I've been through.

He fucked up too many times.

''I just want you to understand that it's never my intention to hurt or leave you. Your safety was at risk. I had no other choice but to let you leave because that was the only way I can protect you, Rose.'' He starts.

''You should know how you sound really cliché right now,'' I breathe out but I continue to listen; who knows? I might actually find the truth out of him. He might spill everything and things might go on like how they used to be or he might continue to hurt me.

We keep quiet for a few seconds before he continues, ''Alessia helped me erase your name from being on the hunt list. She erased my name too but under one condition, I have to leave you or let you leave. I don't know what she has planned but I was desperate. I can't risk losing you. I never wanted to lose you,'' He stops for awhile, ''I fucked up. Too many times to count and I don't deserve you but you should know the truth, even if you end up hating me.''

''What if I already hate you?'' I ask.

He clenches his jaw, ''I would like you to not hate me. I might be asking too much,''

''You know what, Elia? I don't get it. I don't understand why you have to risk us for my safety. You told me that you wanted us to be together in everything that we will go through but no, you had to leave. I thought you were selfish. What happened?'' I take a few steps towards him, ''You don't know and you don't feel the amount of pain I felt when I lost you. It was suffocating and it was killing me—god, I didn't even want to see myself breathing.''

I continue, ''Where were you when I was dying?''

''You weren't there. We left each other behind for the past eleven months and what do you expect? Do you think that I can forgive you easily just because you explained everything? You're wrong,'' I look at him.

Directly.

''I don't expect you to forgive me.'' He replies, ''I told you that I didn't mean to leave you. I spent days, weeks and even months thinking of the pain that you might be going through, the tears that you might have wasted and it sickens me to know that I'm the cause of it. The cause of your pain,''

All of a sudden, he starts to look down at my wrists, making me hide them behind me immediately. Then, both of his eyes are looking back at me; probably fighting with himself because I see him clenching his jaw once more, ''That's not even all of it.'' I say.

''Why?'' His eyebrows furrow.

''I love you, Elia. That's why. It's crazy how love can make you do anything including killing yourself.''

It's not a surprise to see Elia standing still without uttering a single word because I know how he has nothing to say—he doesn't love me anymore. He might used to love me but that's all gone, he said so. My love for him? It can never disappear even after all the pain that I've gone through for him, I'm still here, standing and breathing in order to love him.

He leans in, cupping onto my face before slowly meeting my lips; not even receiving rejection from me. I admit, I want to be kissed by him because I miss the way he touches me and the way he kisses me. Distance has kept us—me longing for him.

Just as he finds me not responding, he starts to lean back, resting his forehead against mine, ''Don't love someone like me. You'll just end up hurting,'' He says.

''Don't tell me what to do,'' I respond.

My heart aches at the fact that he doesn't say how he loves me too, how he has always loved me but that doesn't come out as a surprise either. I pull away from him, creating distance between us; knowing that we're absolutely broken. Can we heal? Maybe not.

''I can't give you happiness. Why can't you see that? Whenever you're with me, you'll just keep on hurting. You will always feel the pain overwhelming your senses and fooling yourself to love me. You know that you can never have a future with me but why do you keep on loving me? I can't give you love and I hate myself for that. I hate myself for bringing you into this when you should be happy with someone else,'' He continues to hold onto my face and it's kind of like a dream to be this close; after everything.

Heartbreak. Check.

''Then, why am I here?''

Elia breathes out before closing his eyes, not expecting me to change and be a lot more stubborn. Well, I was badly hurt and somehow, I've became stronger; than before. I glance at something behind him, seeing that there are pictures laying on the glass table—my pictures.

Pictures of me with Elis. Pictures of me.

''I'm leaving.'' I mutter but as I'm about to turn and pull the door open, I hear the doorbell ring; causing both Elia and I to stop breathing immediately. He pulls onto my hand, bringing me into his bedroom before gesturing me to hide inside his walk-in closet.

He turns off the lights in his closet and his bedroom as he walks out towards the door, opening it. I lean further inside, trying to hide myself from being discovered but I can't help eavesdropping.

Heels are clicking onto the floor and as I peek through the door, my eyes widen at the sight I behold which is highly expected but I don't understand why it hurts me; Elia is kissing someone as she cups onto his face.

Of course.

The woman stands beautifully tall, her palazzo defining her long legs—someone could have mistaken her as model. Not just that, her face is nicely sculptured; almost perfect which I slightly envy. My legs continue to weaken at the sight of them kissing, causing me to lean back and hold back my tears. What hurts me most is that Elia has both of his arms around her waist, kissing her as if he loves her.

She smiles up at him, ''How are you, love?''

Elia glances at my direction for a few seconds before looking back down at her, his lips curving into a small smile, ''Good now that you're here.'' He replies.

''You seem to be in a good mood,'' She says, slowly sitting onto one of the sofas without breaking the eye contact with Elia. Her green eyes are probably highlighting her every features; making her look like a goddess. That's one of the reasons why Elia likes her.

He continues to smile at her, ''I've booked dinner at your favourite restaurant, if you're not busy. I want to make it up to you,'' He stands in front of her, seeing that she has a seductive smile on her face.

''Can we stop by at Cartier?'' She stands up.

''Sure,'' He replies after glancing at me and pecking onto her forehead.

I immediately drop onto the ground once I find both of them exiting the apartment; after hearing them closing the door—my heart aches and producing a whole lot amount of pain, almost killing me and almost suffocating me again.

As I cover my mouth with my hand, I let out the tears that I've been holding back for a few minutes since she came in; this time, I finally feel how lifeless and hopeless I feel. I shouldn't have come to watch him living the happy life while I suffer just because I'm not able to move on. What ever happened to us?

Why do we have to hurt this much?

No. Why do I have to hurt this much?

It feels like hours when it has only been ten minutes since they left because the tears won't stop. I continue to cry, letting myself show how I'm deeply sad and hurt; there's no use in hiding my feelings. There's no use in pretending to be happy when I'm fucked up.

''Just kill me,'' I mutter under my breath.