Chapter 58 - Mama's Diary

I woke up to Mama screeching at me from downstairs.

"Ay! Lassie, c'mon down already!" she yelled irritably. "God, if my legs could take me, I'd be up there in an instant..."

Hurriedly, I sat up and slipped on my shoes. As I pulled open the door, I glanced outside the window to get an estimate of the time and my conclusion was that it was too late past breakfast time.

"Gosh, how did I sleep in today?" I muttered as I hid the two brooches under my pillow and ran out. "Coming, Mama!" I called out as I reached the banister. 

"I've been calling you for ages!" Mama said as she squinted up at me. "You usually wake up earlier than the rest of us. Why, were you up all night?"

I vigorously shook my head and trotted downstairs. "Have you already had breakfast?"

Mama nodded. "I made rye bread. Eat up yourself and do spare some slices for Sven when he wants to eat. I'm sure the kid won't be able to forgo the most important meal of the day." As she said that, she walked back to her own room. "Oh, and give me your clothes to wash today. Look at all that filth!"

I glanced down at my black dress and was instantly taken aback by the amount of dust and filth balls stuck to it. Crap… Had I forgotten to dust my dress after I got out from under the bed?

"Yes, Mama..." I muttered, ashamed.

Mama went back to her room and I proceeded towards the kitchen which smelled like freshly baked goods. I caught sight of the half loaf of crumbly bread on the counter and I cut myself some slices It was warm and it smelled good. Browsing in the cupboards overhead, I thankfully found a jar of something red that could or could not have been jam.

The whole while, the thought of asking Mama Ruth about the white lily never left my mind. I slathered a red, chunky dollop of what was hopefully jam onto my bread and leaned against the counter as I chewed on it. It was kind of salty, not jam at all. But it wasn't bad so I kept chewing.

Lazily- and fully in thought- I glanced out of the window at the empty street and the tall row of houses attached to it. There was nothing to look at, really. Everything was so quiet and lonely and barren.

I finished my share of bread and took the rest of the slices up to Sven's room.

"Hey, Sven," I said monotonously. "I'm leaving you some breakfast." I'm sure he was awake. I heard rustling from inside as I spoke but I didn't comment about it. As I walked to my own room, I caught sight of the ladder that led up to the attic. 

Yep, it was still hanging.

Every time I had to walk past it, I'd get this sudden urge to climb up and go into the attic again. But because of some reason or the other, I'd always dismiss the thought. Now that I was alone and bored...could I….?

Carefully, I looked both ways before I grabbed onto a rail of the ladder and started climbing. Slowly and steadily, I placed every foot till my head popped up into the attic. I looked around and it still looked exactly the same as before. I climbed all in and stood up. 

Now that I was alone, I could get a good look at things.

My walk was soft so that nobody heard my footsteps from below. I walked around, poking and prodding at anything that I found interesting. Soon, I found myself near the large, arch window again.

All around me was warmth and dispersed light. I sat down on the familiar ottoman and all of a sudden, a rush of feelings came back. Thoughts of Emery, her death, and how Sven's face had crumbled when he heard me say the dreaded words... All of it came back.

I curled into myself miserably and winced. 

The heavy gut feeling returned and I patted my stomach to help it. I tried to control my breathing and decided to focus on something else. Turning around to take a better look, I noticed the large bookshelf behind me. 

I don't think I had looked at it carefully before, but now I did. There was an array of messily stacked books, one shelf over the other. I stood up and walked to it so I could read the titles. I bent down as I studied book covers. A particular brown leather back attracted me a lot so I pulled it out. As expected, it was completely covered in dust so I blew over it and coughed when the dust flew around my face.

"Good God, it looks like it has been sitting here since forever!" I mumbled, appalled.

With another cough, I flipped open the tattered cover. It was some sort of science book, I could tell. There were all sorts of anatomy diagrams and sketches, and some even made me blush and put the book back. How embarrassing… 

I noticed a bright red cover sticking out from the very top of the bookshelf. Carefully, I pulled the ottoman towards me with a subtle scrape and balanced myself while I picked out the red book. It was so matted with dust to the point the red looked like a very dirty grey. I dusted it off and glanced at the golden inscripted title which read 'ACCOUNTS' in the official language of Wisteria, all curly and enchanting. It was weird that I could read it, but then again, everything was weird. 

I flopped down on the ottoman and with a clearing of my throat, I started to read…

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The 13th of Isorele,

I feel like I'm at a crossroads.

Elric just proposed to me at the Pond today. I couldn't have been more embarrassed! Though he kept telling me that it would be fine if he kissed me then and there, I knew that people would talk. 

Unfortunately, the aloof man has yet no idea that he has a rival to reckon with. Lucan, the foreign merchant from the Lands of Sovia, has been purposefully courting me since day one of me opening the inn at Olsen road. He was ready to take me and Lissy in at any cost, 'As long as it meant he could be together with me,' he said. Quite foolish of him, if I do say so myself.

Anyways, I can't help feeling that I'll make an impulsive decision with either of them. Lissy is still too small to give me her opinion, but at times like these, I wished she was old enough to discuss such matters with me. But the Lord works at a pace of his own liking.

Elric and Lucan are both exceptional men. (Though I do find Lucan's habit of chewing loudly quite unpleasant.) I must make haste to give an answer to both of them or I'm afraid my time would run out. Beauty doesn't last forever, it appears so.

The marks on my abdomen and legs are becoming more prominent now, and my hair has started dropping out whenever I brush it. It's a most fretful situation.

I need to go over to Johanne's tomorrow. She's invited close friends for tea because of the birth of her little lassie, Amice. People say she's a proper beauty. Well, that wouldn't be surprising since the mother's a fancy herself. 

It's nighttime and I'm writing under candlelight. The wick's just about drowned in a puddle of wax so I shan't write more. I'll see to my matters tomorrow, I swear upon it!

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I held the book in my hand and wondered about what I had just read. From the looks of it, this was probably Mama Ruth's diary. I don't know if I should be reading it as it may very well be private...but since it was rotting up here anyways and nobody would know, I'm sure it wouldn't hurt anyone if I peeked in.

Anyways, I turned the page and started reading again…

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The 15th of Isorele,

Disaster struck!

Lucan crashed Johanne's tea party, effing and spitting about this other lover I may have. I couldn't believe the audacity of the fool, I really couldn't. 

He ruined any reputation I may have built up in the society of talkative females these last two months and I'm very well done with him. I shan't be contacting him anymore!

Elric, on the other hand, has been nothing less than an angel. He offered to help with Johanne's tea party and got all the decorative curtains up and even fixed the creaking table so that the tea wouldn't accidentally spill. I couldn't have been more proud about him when all the women asked about this handsome hunk of a man accompanying me.

Johanne had just about settled everybody down when Lucan barged in with his curses and dared raise a hand on poor Elric. Elric was never the warmonger and tried to talk it out with a belligerent Lucan who would do everything but listen.

It was a horrific scene for myself and all the others. Johanne's daughter started bawling her eyes out at all the shouts and whatnot. I couldn't hold my anger in so I lashed out myself, and might I add it was the first time I did so in public. I slapped Lucan straight on the cheek and how he had staggered back, appalled. Elric had retreated out of his grasp and had made himself scarce in a moment. I chastised Lucian for acting so thoughtlessly and he left, well, not before he had sworn vengeance against the foul act I may have committed. A fool, I say again. 

Johanne and the other women tried to comfort me, though I knew most of them just wanted all the tea. Some of them tried to weed out all the details about the other handsome hunk of a man I had by my side and I was ever so frustrated, I left promptly.

I've been reflecting on my actions all day after that and that is precisely the reason my entries are missing a date.

Well, if all goes well, I'll be married to Elric till the end of the month Isorele. Maybe then I'll finally be able to slacken down on everything…

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I sat back in amazement. Mama had been a player and I hadn't known. I wonder what this Elric guy really looked like. There were no photos of him at the inn...now that I think about it, there were no photo's of Mama's past here at all. How strange…

I tucked the diary under my arm and decided to take it to my room.