Chapter 91 - 91- Regret

"I am sorry Allias. I am so sorry" Theseus said as he cried with him. He couldn't stop. He had never felt such crippling anguish before.

"Where the fuck were you when I needed you?" Allias asked him his eyes filled with hatred. The moment Allias had uttered these words he knew he should have never opened his mouth. He shouldn't have said this. He shouldn't have said any of it to Theseus. It was obvious by the way he looked.

The general almost was rooted to the floor and like a soulless puppet that its strings had been cut, the moment he understood the meaning of the prince's words he fell to the ground. He was weak, even weaker now and his legs couldn't keep him. So he just gave in to the despair and let the gravity pull him to the floor. He crouched down and hit the floor with his fist. 

"I am sorry. I am really. I tried my best but it wasn't enough. I wish you knew how much I hate myself for letting you go through all this. I know it's my fault. I know! But please I am begging you. I will leave. I will stay away but please don't look at me like that. I will never speak to you again if that's what you wish but don't hate me." He told him and Allias could see clearly the signs the tear had left in his face. The exhaustion in them and the guilt that reign his soul. 

It wasn't his fault. The prince was surely aware of that but he needed to blame someone. He needed to be angry because if he was sad he wouldn't stand it. That enormous wave of crushing pain, like a tide it drew back to hit the sores of his mind even harder. He didn't have the inner strength to be sad. If he wasn't mad at Theseus there would be nothing left. He would be nothing but pain and despair and then these thoughts would return. The thoughts of him wanting to die. Every time he had stood at the brim of his balcony, the warm air hitting his face and he would imagine jumping into that sweet oblivion. It was pointless though. Only if he poisoned himself with the right ingredients he would die and he didn't want to get out of his room. This was the only place no one stared at him or whispered about him. How did the all mighty prince got so foolishly caught and tortured? Isn't he supposed to rule us one day? Is he truly weak? Yes, he was. He was so weak he couldn't kill anyone. He was so weak he put the blame of his torture and rape to his boyfriend. He didn't deserve to be here. He didn't deserve to live and maybe he should go outside and find that small bottle at the doctor's office. They used it to relieve the pain of of war injured soldiers that would eventually die. He wouldn't feel a thing. In just a few minutes he would be asleep. Forever. Yes, maybe he should. 

"Please say something" Theseus struggled to speak as he looked at him. It was his expression. He was bothered by his presence and it was so obvious. He had never felt more unwanted. He needed to leave, give him some time. He was at fault for pressuring him but still he couldn't let him go. He was so worried. He knew how Allias' mind worked and he was almost sure he would try something awful.

"Just go and leave me alone. I don't want to see your face" He told him his cruel words and Theseus tried to leave the room with his head high. He closed the door behind him and found a quiet corner to crumble. No one was approaching Allias' quarters anymore. They had decided to leave him alone for a while. Maybe that's why he should have done too but the pain inside him was still fresh and the need to be with him to greedy. He was so selfish and that was the reason why he remained in the dusty corner, looking at Allias' door. Guarding him from his own self. 

Once Theseus had left the room the vicious cycle began again for hours. He cried, then he hurt himself, ripping his skin open feeling the burning pain mixed with relief. Then as he saw the blood, the state he was in during those few moments of clarity he began crying again cursing himself for what he had told him. How could he be so cruel? How could he be so heartless and torture the man he loved like that? These questions made him worse. Drove him even more insane as he laid in his bed, the white sheets now red. Once Theseus had spread rose petal all over the bed. He had hugged him and swirled him around before he gently laid him down and kissed every part of his body. Once he didn't feel disgusted by looking at his reflection. Once he believed that with Theseus by his side he could overcome anything but he had just pushed him away. Now there were no rose petals just blood and there were no more gently kisses and touches only bites and gagging and humiliation.

"I hate myself" he cried and his arm covered his swollen eyes. 

There was no point anymore. He believed it. After what he had done to Theseus he was aware of the hole he had found himself and the light was too far away. He couldn't see it so he just decided to disappear in the surrounding darkness that embraced him so calmly. The light was too far away for him to reach and even if he tended his hand as far as he could there was no way out. Theseus' hand was no longer there to pull him up because he like the detested human he was had ruined everything. He would hate him eventually, from being like this. Filled with ugly scars, used by many men. It was better that way. It would be faster that way and he would have no regrets as he disappeared. 

He stood up and by dragging his naked feet he opened the door and headed out. It was deep into the night and everything was so quiet. It was the perfect sound to an awful end. No crying, no people to mourn. Just nothing. His nothing that he wished so dearly. 

The floor was cold and as he walked almost with the movement of a ghost he didn't realize that a certain someone had been silently following him, away from him as to not bother him with his presence but still gazing at him with such longing eyes. 

The doctor's office was empty. He had stacks of paper everywhere and his tools were left bloody on a tray close to the desk. They probably had a serious case earlier and tired as they were they didn't clean up. Ignoring it, disgusted by the sight of blood he looked at the cupboards with the glass doors. He read carefully the tags. Broken bones, stabbing, missing limbs all of the descriptions were forebodings of gruesome events but he felt nothing as he read them. He had experienced almost everything that was written in those tags anyway. 

He opened the one who had contained in a very small black bottle what he was looking for and he left as it was. No one would nag him anyway from leaving the place messy, they couldn't actually even if they wanted to. He would be already dead. He undid the lid and smelled it frowning at the horrible smell before he decided to bring it to his lips. 

Allias didn't manage to drink it though as a shadow, fast and deadly silent grabbed it from his hands. He looked at it enraged and soon Theseus appeared having the shadow place the small bottle on his palm. He was looking at him with a disappointed look, a look that he hated. Yes, he was a disappointment he already knew that. Why did he have to come in now and make him feel even worse?

"What are you doing?"

"What does it seem like I am doing?" Allias asked him.

"Were you trying to kill yourself?" Theseus asked him strictly. 

"What if I was? What are you going to do about it?" 

"I asked you something answer with a yes or a no. Now!" he shouted and the green eyed boy flinched. Theseus was mad at him. Perfect, he would hate him more and more now and once he was gone he wouldn't be in pain. 

"Yes. I am tired. I wanted to get away from you. I want to die so I will never see you again." Allias lied and watched Theseus expression alter. He wasn't mad anymore. He was just…hurt. He had hurt him again with his words. His pain would be over soon though. He would be okay one day. 

"Do you want to get rid of me so badly?"

"Yes."

"Sucks to be you then because we are dying together I guess." Theseus said and without a second doubt he swallowed the whole bottle, turning it around in the end to show that there was nothing left. "Pity. I am dying alone as it seems." He said 

"What have you done?" Allias screamed.