Chapter 5

“It’s close, so I looked. And Jayden. Can’t you just call me comfortably like before?”

“No, there’s no crazy knight who calls the person he serves sister.”

He shook his head as if he had nothing to think about.

“That’s true, but…….”

“You have to get used to it! Then, let’s go.”

It was nice to see him smile with his mouth raised as if he was proud of being a proper escort knight.

I didn’t think it would work even if I tried to  persuade him more, so I decided to settle to looking out the window.

However, when the carriage began to move, the scenery did not catch my eye. It was because the thought of returning to the past gradually dominated my mind. The reason why this happened was something I could discuss with my teacher, but the future events were a problem.

Leopold, who doesn’t hesitate to speak bitterly to me, and the me who endured him. He pretends not to see my miserable efforts and entreaties, and I pretend not to know how my heart is being torn to pieces.

I realized it only after my heart, which burned like a fire on dry firewood, became ashes and all the small flames disappeared. That the fire burned me down.

I shouldn’t have thrown my whole life at such a foolish feeling. The memories of the past began to scratch the wounds that could not be healed again.

While struggling with thoughts, familiar buildings were seen one by one. We entered the school after a brief identification. The early morning academy was very quiet, and only the sound of a carriage spread gently as if to mark the beginning of the day. Large lawn gardens, central fountains, benches and beautiful trees all over the place. Above it, the laughter of happy friends was painted like a dream.

The silhouette behind the high, dense black iron bars remained even after stimulating nostalgia, and it was difficult to hold back the tears that were about to pour out.

“We’re here.”

Fortunately, just before the mood completely subsided, the carriage stopped and the door opened with Jayden’s voice.

“Your hand, madam.”

“Thank you. Let’s go to the dean’s office.”

“Yes!”

I envied his voice with a strong spirit while being reliable. What would it have been like if I was born as normal as you? If my talent would disappear, I wouldn’t have it in the first place.….

“Madam, is there a problem? Just name it. I can handle it all.”

Jayden suddenly asked anxiously. Because of their height difference, he would not be able to see my face properly, but he seemed to feel the depth. I hurriedly made a light smile.

“I must be tired because you woke up early. Ah, here we are. Wait a minute in the front for me.”

“Yes, go ahead.”

He stood in front of a dark brown heavy door with his head tilted behind him. I took a deep breath and knocked carefully.

“Come in.”

My heart throbbed at the stern and upright voice. I tried to calm down, took a breath, and slowly pushed the door. In front of the desk in front of her, a woman with braided beautiful white hair set neatly to the side was diligently taking notes.

Isabel Rosa, my lifelong benefactor as good as Mrs. Lawrence. I felt overwhelmed when I saw the rich top of her head again, which I had seen countless times in the eight years I attended the academy.

The teacher, who couldn’t take her eyes off the document while holding a pen, soon raised her head.

“From this morning, who…… Hazel?”

Her golden eyes briefly glanced at the visitor over her silver frame.

“Teacher!”

“No, why is the new bride here so early in the morning? Even though I like it.”

The teacher, who woke up with a bright smile, hugged me tightly with a loving touch as always.

It’s been a long time since I’ve hugged her like this.

I finally overcame my desire not to fall and relaxed my arm. Naturally, she backed away.

“I want to discuss something.”

At my unusual voice, the teacher raised her eyebrows slightly and offered a seat without saying anything. Then, she took out the teacup from the cupboard that occupied one wall of the dean’s office and packed a teapot that was always boiling on the fireplace.

“Tell me.”

“I don’t know what to explain first…….”

I said solemnly after organizing my thoughts for a while, moving my eyes to the low table along the familiar teapot.

“To begin with, Teacher. Well, I feel like I’m back in time.”

The hand that was taking out the tea leaves stopped moving for a moment.

“What?”

“I’m dead, Teacher.”

Surprised, she straightened her waist. The teaspoon fell to the floor and chirped. It was a bonus that tea leaves were scattered everywhere.

It was not an unexpected reaction, so I took out a handkerchief and calmly continued to talk, collecting the tea leaves.

“So to be exact, I’m going to die five years from now. I’m sick.”

“Disease? But you’re the first healer since the academy was built.”

The teacher, who was standing frozen, crumpled her brows and asked.

“That’s ridiculous. If you’re going to get sick and die, it’s only possible if you lose your ability…. You didn’t……?”

Unable to finish her sentence, she slumped on the sofa.

“That’s right. My ability slowly disappeared. I don’t think it makes sense, but…… I’m telling you.”

I gathered all the tea leaves clean and put them aside, and I settled back on the sofa opposite to me.

“How could that be……. For me, did you discuss it with me?”

“It’s… I thought I could handle it by myself. When I realized I wasn’t enough, it was too late…….”

“The cause? You didn’t find out anything, did you?”

Instead of answering, I quietly began to brew tea. I didn’t want to lie, so I’ll have to tell the truth.

At first, I tried to cure my illness somehow. Using all the knowledge I knew, I explored old books from hundreds of years ago and even searched for herbs from far away countries to make therapeutic drugs.

But the more I tried all that, the more I felt dejected. I’ve only confirmed that I can’t cure it myself.

Should I have told him everything that made me do this? 

(t/n: she’s referring to Leopold)

Should I have blamed him for hurting me so much that I couldn’t do anything anymore because my dark mind was full?

If so, would he have given me love even if it was late?

No, it can’t be.

I already knew too well that there was nothing more stupid than trying to win my husband’s heart after suffering for a long time.

It was much easier to give up on expectations than to accept his cold eyes.

After forcing a sigh down my throat, I said calmly.

“More than that, I’m here to ask if this is possible.”

As if to pierce my inner thoughts, I saw golden eyes shining like the sun. When I turned her eyes down to the piercing gaze, she replied in an unsuspecting voice.

“Returning to the past, yes, is not impossible at all.”

“Really?”

“But it’s not something anyone can do, and technically, it shouldn’t be done.”

Leaning against her back, Teacher shook her head helplessly. I don’t know exactly how old she is, but she’s probably not that young, so it makes sense for her to be exhausted by this absurd story.

“I’m dead, so I wasn’t the one who did it. Could it have been you, Teacher?”

As if to imagine, she turned her eyes to the air. Soon after, a decisive gaze turned to me again.

“Well, I don’t think I would have done that in the future. I’m sorry for being cold, but I won’t go back to the past even if you die right now. It’s against the flow.”

“I understand. Teacher values principles.”

It was a lie if I said I didn’t feel upset, but it was convincing enough. My teacher was a strong fundamentalist, and I heard that she was able to become the head of the academy for decades.

“But… If someone tries that, I honestly want to watch as a scholar.”

I opened my eyes wide because the added words were a little surprising.

“And if I really helped that ‘someone’, he probably risked his life. The price of going against time comes down to death. God will never forgive you.”

“So he’s already dead?”

“Well, he could be dead……. If he lived now and came back to the past with you, he’d have a good chance of dying soon. I’m not sure, but that’s what I think anyway.”

The awkward thumping of the heart suddenly came to mind.

Don’t tell me…

No, my husband wouldn’t do that. I was in a daze, so I must have misheard it. He didn’t love me.

Leopold gambling his life like this is ridiculous. Even if he goes back in time, it will never be for me. There must have been a different purpose. Whenever I start to delude myself, think of the ‘him’ who brought me down. Hazel, please.

Stupid expectations rose again. Even after all that experience.

I closed my eyes tightly even though my teacher was in front of me.

The suffocating moments came to my consciousness as if waiting.

‘I got a nice necklace from Jeanne, the jeweler, today. She said you’re giving it to me. Thank you.’

‘It’s your price for giving strength to the opinion of Count Ludwig on the issue of the treatment of Young Lady Jimin. You should thank the Countess.’

How broken my heart was.

‘I haven’t had an appetite for a while, but I heard that you told them to put fruits from the southern part of the country in my meal. Thanks to you, my appetite has returned a little.’

‘It’s from the Duchy of Southern Lumatera. I was just trying to determine whether it was worth becoming a trade product or not, so don’t put meaning to it unnecessarily.’

Don’t forget.

‘Leopold. It’s like a dream. I’m so happy to take a walk with you.’

‘Even if it’s not me, you can bother other people who can come out anytime.’

Never, never have expectations.