Chapter 176 - Perpetuation Of Violence - R(18)

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TRIGGER NOTICE: The chapter will "speak" about a victim of sexual and emotional abuse who becomes a perpetrator of violence, continuing the violence as a contagious disease. Who may realize that he became the person he hated the most, the abuser. It is a sensitive subject, here in the chapter it is still superficial, even due to the personality of the character. I would like to emphasize YOU ARE NEVER ALONE, if you have passed, are passing through, or know of someone who is passing by, seek help from the police, or someone you trust who can help with the situation, report it, and if you can, seek a support group to help recover.

(XXX)

For some reason, he felt awful because he was like that priest who was so directly accused. The atmosphere was so tense and in the last few days everyone has been in a state of alert and with tense nerves, so the so-called cardinalities are crumbling in the face of fear of being the next victim of disappearance or murder.

Rutger felt apprehensive for some other reasons, he was nervous because Levi didn't make a move, maybe he was embarrassed because of the malicious rumors and the "caught" of him naked with young knights in the room.

Of course, no one believed these rumors much as Captain Levi was too sick to make any moves against the young knights, on the other hand, the young knights were still unconscious as it seems they had been victims of magic.

This could confirm in a way that the assassin had tried to kill the captain and failed, they just didn't know how the three men ended up in the room in such an embarrassing situation.

Of course, most importantly, they discovered that the killer might be a Mage, unfortunately, which makes the enigmatic figure of the killer even more terrifying.

Dante silently looked at Rutger who turned pale as he listened to the conversation, he had doubts about the nature of this new friend, he had seen how the exorcist acted close to the novice.

He should stay away from people like Rutger, he even thought about it as he stared at him when they went to sleep, since the priest had asked to stay in his room because he wanted to avoid being alone.

Which was pretty normal after the news of two colleagues being murdered in their own rooms.

Dante spent part of the night staring into Rutger's sleeping face, thinking about everything that had happened, it had gone so fast and so many emotions were felt, he just wanted to assuage the loneliness until the transfer papers were processed, and he could head to the capital.

He well knew that Father Rutger would return to the Chantel Kingdom to the capital and return to his noble family.

What they had was fleeting, so Dante who had been raised in a much more liberal environment than Rutger got clarification on the matter, as everything was fleeting, he could pretend not to see the priest's misbehavior.

That would be nice and the easiest thing to do, but Dante wasn't that kind of person.

"Father Rutger, did you have anything to do with Brother Giovanni?"

Dante asked when the two were in the west garden, the place was quieter than usual, the fearful people wanted to avoid being exposed, but they didn't want to go back to their rooms lest they end up dead without anyone being able to help them, so most of the people were in the library, the classrooms (which could not be suspended) and the cafeteria.

There were small groups still looking for Naill Byrne's whereabouts, but that area had already been searched.

"Why are you asking me this all of a sudden?" Rutger was grim-faced.

"Because I want to know who I'm relating... Did you two have something... Well, forbidden?" Dante wasn't intimidated by the other's grim face.

"And if I say "yes", what are you going to do with that answer?" Rutger said, aggressively getting up and leaving without looking back.

He still didn't feel the regret, but there was some guilt, mainly, the more he thought about Levi and with all the things that had happened, he looked like the very tormentor who made his adolescence hell, which made him sick.

Dante looked at Rutger's back and stood in the garden thoughtfully, the relationship hadn't even started but had already been buried.

He laughed with some bitterness, his personality was really very tender and when speaking it was apparently quite insensitive.

What was he going to do with that information now?

Should he report this to his superiors?

He should have, but he very much doubted anyone would care, there were so many terrible things happening inside the abbey that this denunciation would be put aside quickly.

Of course, he may just be being silent, not wanting to get involved in the matter.

Ah, so Dante wasn't as good as he thought he was.1

Or go to Brother Giovanni to try to find out how this "relationship" came about?

A somewhat wiser option if it's to help the youngster come forward, but he might just be brushed aside like a busybody.

In the end, Dante didn't know what to make of that information he had on Rutger.1

"You don't even know what to do, why ask, then?" Rutger's voice broke the silence of the garden again.

Dante was surprised to see Rutger's eyes red and puffy, even paler than before.

"And you came back for what reason?"

"I don't know, maybe I'm not intelligent," Rutger said, sitting down next to Dante again, only keeping a greater distance.

They were silent for a long moment, the cool autumn breeze as the sun hides behind the coniferous forest casting shadows everywhere.

In the end, Rutger ended up confessing what he had done and still talking about Levi, it's not that there was regret about what he did to Giovanni... No, yet, but he was angry with himself for acting like Levi, it's just that he still felt it wasn't entirely his fault.

Rutger's obsession with Giovanni was so great, he himself didn't understand how good feelings had become something so violent inside him.

There was so much violence inside him, when did he become this?

Pride, arrogance, that was such a normal thing for him, but this violence from when he was feeding it into him was something Rutger hadn't thought about clearly until that moment.

Of course, everything that Rutger thinks is normal and is seen as normal by the nobles is what fueled his violence.

After all, he was raped, and he was a victim.

Broken pride and torn arrogance, being naked in front of the tormentor he was stripped of everything, of self-love, self-esteem, empathy, and status.

When it was all over, he had everything inside him broken or destroyed, leaving only anger and violence under an ecclesiastical veneer and an upbringing of nobility.

It would still take a long time for Rutger to realize all this and admit to himself that he was a victim, that he suffered and that he was helpless, that for many years he was angry with his family, the church, and himself.

That he wanted to act violently to hurt other people so that they would be as bad as he was, his obsession with Giovanni was mainly motivated by the image that Rutger could not conceive of himself.

Good, kind, shy, who gained the trust of an older person, who was protected, he wanted that person for himself and at the same time, he wanted to destroy what was good about this person.

The part of being helpless was what weighed the most in Rutger's life, he was dishonored and played like a puppet in the hands of the family, the church plots, and by Levi for being helpless, but now he was famous, and he was an exorcist.

He had authority and status.

He was no longer a victim.

Furthermore, he achieved "success" in life and was now strong.

Demons should shudder before him, but he shuddered and was crushed by a mortal man.

The wounds bleed again and the folly he committed haunts him causing even more mental disturbance, if Rutger were from the modern world, he could use that word: Karma.1

Causes and consequences, the violence that perpetuates and reproduces itself, the lack of empathy and humanity lead to terrible consequences.

"Come on, dinner will be served soon," Dante said after being silent for a few minutes.

"Do you still want to have dinner after what I said?" Rutger was in disbelief at Dante's casual attitude.

"I'm not hungry, but if we don't go to the cafeteria, they'll think we're dead or that we're the killers"

Dante heard everything, but the urgency of the current moment didn't allow him to get distracted and become introspective at this moment.

"You don't look angry or disgusted...why?" Rutger still surprised wanted to question.

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