Chapter 45

Julia's smile appeared one after another in his vision as he began to sway slightly. For some reason, at this moment, he couldn't move, as if his feet were tied to the ground. 

Fernan didn't even think of approaching her, he just kept staring at her. Eventually, Julia got up from her seat and started taking care of the children next to her.

Then a man was seen helping her and holding the children. It was the priest whom Fernan lost while following.

She wandered around the crowded streets, looking happy and content. 

Fernan, like a somewhat insane person, just followed her like that. 

Every now and then she bent her knees and looked at the children, whispering something to them with her gentle gaze. A few times she looked up at the priest next to her and laughed at the words that came and went.

The whole scene made Fernan feel as if someone was squeezing his heart again and again.

He had never seen her like this before. It was the kind of face Julia had never shown him before. 

Even if he drew Julia thousands of times, all he could picture was a face that was always hurt and tearful, immersed in misery, but now Julia was not the woman he remembered.

She was just an ordinary, happy woman.

“Lady Julia wanted one thing: to get out of her misery and be happy.”

Just then, someone's voice tapped him on the ear. Fernan’s steps came to a halt. Following the voice, the last image of Julia in his memory appeared in front of him.

“I've had enough misery in my life.”

Standing on the edge of the cliff, muttering those quiet words. He had thought of it thousands of times before, and it began to hold him down again at this moment.

Fernan, who bowed his head as if breaking down, held his trembling hand tightly. Blood oozed from the palm of his hand as a strong force entered it.

Fernan, who slowly raised his head in that state, caught sight of Julia again.

She was looking up at the night sky.

A flurry of fireworks embroidered the night sky. Julia gazed at the scene, her eyes shining like a child's. She was a woman who laughed with joy at such a small thing.

Now he finally knew that fact. An invisible wall was erected in front of Julia, perfectly assimilated into the peaceful scene. 

It was a solid wall that he could not possibly break down or destroy. "It was a solid wall that he would never be able to break down or break down, and a sense of reality gradually came over Fernan, who was half out of his mind.

‘At first… what did you try to do?

That's right. I was going to ask Julia for forgiveness first thing when I saw her.

I would never hurt her again. I will try to promise. And I am going to put into her hands every precious and good thing I had ever failed to give. 

I want to untie the intricate knot and rekindle my relationship with her.

That's how I'm going to start all over again….’

Fernan lowered the hand that had been covering his mouth. His lips quivered.

The funny thing was that while he was having such apparent thoughts, only one thing that came to mind.

That Julia would live happily ever after, after she forgot everything.

That all the elements of unhappiness, including him, might be buried and she might be with new people.

Before he knew it, the night of the festival was drawing to a close.

Fernan just stood there quietly even until people started to leave.

When Julia was out of sight in the crowd, a small, almost vanishing voice fell into the street.

"How can I….”

‘How do I grab hold of you? How can I bring her to my side again?’

For Julia, he was the end of her misery. He was the one who drove her to the edge of the cliff until the very end.

He didn’t give her anything. He had never made her laugh. He couldn't even make her feel at least a little comfortable at home.

All he had given Julia was wounds and pain.

But how could he break her peace now?

Fernan closed his eyes, which had grown dim with the loss of light. Soon the knights approached him.

The knights could not easily open their mouths as they looked at their lord, who bowed his head with a dangerous look on his face. Fernand slowly opened his mouth in a voice with unknown emotions.

“Stop searching….”

This short order was the end of a long time of madly searching for Julia so far.

***

It was half a month after Fernan returned to the castle.

It was his first return in half a year, but the Grand Duke went to his office without looking at anyone.

He did not speak to anyone. Not even the butler who recommended meals to him, or the adjutant who gave him papers, or the servant who came to deliver the letters that had been piling up….

He just went about his business one by one.

He forced himself to cram only the political matters into his head and handed over the documents like a machine with only a pen.

He did that for a month.

"Your Highness, it's Lloyd. I'll be in in a moment."

Lloyd walked through the door and looked a little darker.

Fernan was in the same position Lloyd had seen him in yesterday, examining the documents.

He couldn't tell if his lord had eaten or slept.

His eyes were dazed and his face was paler than before. His body was as intimidating as ever, but his jawline was noticeably thinner. 

Lloyd carefully held out the letter in his hand.

“As ordered, the knight you sent out found some information about Her Highness.”

Fernan’s hand holding the pen stopped for a moment. His face, which had been expressionless, gradually began to show emotion.

He took the letter without looking at Lloyd.

His eyes shook slightly as he read the contents.

The letter contained detailed information about Julia's life.

It said that she was staying at a monastery in a small village.

There she took care of the children and became a fully established member of the monastery. 

“What is the size of the monastery?"

"It's not a big one. It's a monastery in a very small village, so there aren’t many people." 

Fernan lowered his gaze. His golden eyes were quiet, as if he was thinking about something. It was not long before he opened his mouth again.

"We'll have to wait and see."

"…"

"…, yes. A little more."

If it was unkempt, it was unkempt. And it was a terrible, ugly regret.

He knew now that Julia won’t need him.

But maybe, just maybe, something will happen in her life that she would need him for, even if it's just a small part.

Such a sneaky desire to be a part of her life, even a small part, filled a corner of his mind.

"‘I will do so, Your Highness. Oh, yes, Your Highness. …."

Lloyd, who was about to say, "Please, rest," as was his custom, immediately fell silent.

He knew very well that his lord was not a person who listened even when he spoke a few thousand times.

It might be better to cling to political affairs all the time, like this, to somehow kill the emotions.

"Well, I'll be going now."

With a small sigh, Lloyd bowed silently and turned away.

The door slammed shut, and silence fell over the office once more.

***

Winter was soon upon the Holy Land.

Along with the seasons that have passed so quickly, several changes have occurred in the monastery.

Last fall, an unidentified anonymous sponsor donated a huge sum of money to the monastery. This caused the monastery to go through many busy days for three months.

The interior facilities have been renovated and the old exterior has been beautified.

The monastery's finances, which were not rich, now have an untenable margin, which made it possible to live a more convenient life.

“The donor didn’t reveal his identity. It's so frustrating that I can't even say thank you.”

Julia crouched in front of the fireplace and remembered what Gabrielle had said.

The place where millionaires and nobles donated their money was the Great Temple with a high reputation.

Also, they normally wouldn’t hide their identities when they donated.

She knew this because when she was a child she saw Marquis Elody donate to the Great Temple with all kinds of fuss. 

How did the donor come to know this little monastery and donate? Julia’s faint curiosity was aroused.

Crackling, the sound of wood burning filled the bedroom.

Julia put the book she had just brought from the study on her lap.

During internal repairs, a study had been installed at the end of the first floor.

So these days, she would sit in front of the fireplace and read books before going to sleep.

The gentle warmth of the fire melted her body. Julia flipped through her book with a slight tilt of her head.