Chapter 13 - Meanness and Shamelessness

Chapter 13: Meanness and Shamelessness

Translator: Lao Xinxian

Proofread by Yin Jing

Grand Scholar Liu has been sighing away for days. He had thought that he found a good helper, but he hasn’t expected that QianGui’s words would send Heaven to death. As a mere nominal territory of its own country, there isn’t even a soldier from the Great An in Chaodu. Apparently Heaven is promoted to governor-general, but in fact he is no better than an exile, who may die in foreign land.

On condition that neither soldiers nor Heaven will be paid and no provision will be granted in the next three years, 5000 troops are generously deployed as Heaven’s retinue. Besides, 100 thousand taels of silver are granted. In contrast, the Messenger just takes 40 Servants and Slaves.

Heaven is on a white horse. He wears the formal governor-general’s robe, while his troops the gleaming armors. A flag with Heaven’s surname on it is held by a soldier.

The Messenger is on a splendid coach. Facing people who come here to see them off, he preaches sanctimoniously: “Children of the Sun God! God’s light shines you forever. I will soon come back, Alasika!” a satisfied smile appears on his face while a great cheer goes up from the crowd.

“I can’t take it. Why these men are so insane?” shouts Heaven, “Quick march!”

The magnificent troops leave the capital. As a novice rider, once leaves the city, Heaven can no longer maintain his pretentious manner. With an aching ass, he halts the troops.

“What’s the matter?” the Messenger pokes his head out of the coach in a puzzle.

“Well, leave me and his Eminence alone. I have something secret to share with him.”

It is known to all that the discussion between a governor-general and the Messenger must involve something confidential, so Heaven’s escort immediately step a few meters back, guarding their master in a circle.

“Hey tricker, considering the boredom it is for you to stay alone in such a coach, I would condescend to share the coach with you. We can have a chat or even a quarrel. After all, they are better than loneliness.”At the first sight of the coach, Heaven has intended to sit in it.

“Do you think it is possible? Even his Majesty doesn’t have such privilege to enter a Messenger’s special coach!” An insidious smile can be seen from the tricker’s eyes.

“Actually, I can’t ride.” Damn, Heaven has to tell the truth.

“Ha! Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha! My God, you know everything! Please let this shameless guy suffer all the way, or even smash his ass into pieces! I praise you, Alasika!” The tricker is elated.

“Shit, dare you say it again? Let me in or not?” Heaven really wants to slam into his face with brick!

“Hey, the great God once told me, enjoy my coach and let others suffer! So I’m really sorry that I can’s meet your requirements.” The tricker’s look is infuriating.

“All right. Listen, I’ve got a letter of assurance, which is …” Heaven takes out the tricker’s guarantee.

Before he can finish his words, the tricker breaks in hastily, “My God! I’ve just received an oracle. The God let you come in his coach! Great God, how merciful you are!”

Glancing at the tricker smilingly, Heaven waves to his troops. “Bros, march! Take care of my horse, report to me if something happens!”

When Heaven steps into the coach, he is stunned — the coach is so big that it even contains a bed with fox-fur mattress! Damn, the tricker really knows how to enjoy the journey. Hardly could he take a seat when the swearing tricker rushes over, “If you dare threaten me with the fucking guarantee, I won’t let you off! I must strangle you when you are asleep!”

“Watch your manner and morality. A Messenger should not use dirty words all day long! Moreover, you are not a patch on me.” Heaven pushes him away. He simply ignores the tricker, seemingly shows infinite interest in everything in the coach, and even tends to open and look into a small silver box.

“Stop! If you dare open it, I’ll kill you or die!” The tricker seems to be cornered.

Well, so be it. Sometimes ignorance can be a blessing.

“OK. It’s time for us to talk it over. Why the fuck do you want to send me to Chaodu? So insidious! If I die, you will be reassured, right?” Reclining in the bed, Heaven eyes the tricker.

“Man, be grateful. You should thank me for providing an opportunity for you to be a governor-general at once!” Boasts the tricker.

“Thank you for promoting me to a victimized governor-general? Don’t you see Grand Scholar Liu is absent-minded, as if he has lost his money? I know your malicious intentions. Anyway, now we are both in the same boat.” Says Heaven. He stretches himself, lying down on the bed, humming a tune which goes: “I’m waiting for you to come back!”

“Huh, good thinking. I tell you, I just need to leave a few men in Chaodu, then I can come back. At that time you can do nothing but wait to die. Ha-ha, I will cry for you! Why, such a good opponent will be destroyed by savages! Poor ME!” The tricker reveals his rascality.

“Idiot, whether you can return is up to me. It is on my turf and it is me that make the decision! Come to your senses, please.”

“You! Dare you kidnap me, a Messenger? All of your kinsfolk will be killed for the crime you commit!”

“Hey, you think you are a real Messenger? I tell you, you are nothing before me.”

“Shit, get down from my bed! Don’t profane the holy bed!” The cornered tricker resorts to force.

“Why the fuck do you pull my hair? I shall beat you to death, smash your bald head to pieces! … Ouch! Unclench your teeth…!”

With constant shouting and cursing and sounds of struggle coming out, the coach starts to shake. These sounds stun the carter, who is a faithful believer of the God. The carter sees a wolf. In his mind, the Messenger is sacred and inviolable. How can the great Messenger swear and even fight? What’s more, he has never seen one who dares to disrespect the Messenger! Now such an irreverent man emerges, and this rare man is a governor-general! He can’t afford to help the Messenger, since a governor-general wields so much power!

Alas, he had better pretend to know nothing! Let them fight with each other, what I should do is do my own part well. With noble moral character and professional ethics, the carter cracks the whip, leaving behind the sounds from the coach.

The fight inside the coach goes into halftime. Tired and exhausted, Heaven starts gnawing an apple while his opponent sticks a peeled banana in his mouth.

“Heaven Li, why can’t you let me go? Yes, it’s me that set the trap, but once you let me go, I can put in a good word for you when I see his Majesty, then you can return to the capital!” The tricker pants.

“Return? Why should I return? I don’t want to come back! Honestly speaking, hearing that I will be discharged, I was on cloud nine! Ha, I’m on the top of the world!”

“Insane, you must be insane. I don’t want to die with you!”

“Hey, it will be a hassle for me to lead a disunited team! What I lack is a commissar, and you are the most suitable person for this position. How about unifying my subordinates by your trick? Ah, it’s hard to woo a talented person!” Eventually, Heaven unfolds his purpose.

“Fuck, don’t even think about it! Who do you think you are? Woo me and let me follow you? I am the MESSENGER! In the name of God, next life you shall be a hog. In any case I will curse you!”

The carter is scared. Gosh, it should be definitely impossible! It can’t be his Eminence’s voice, absolutely not! I confess that I have eaten a sacrificial date last year, is the illusion today my punishment? I’m sorry, forgive me! I have two children to bring up. The poor carter even starts crying.

“I say, tricker, I’m never afraid of the hell, let alone you! Believe me, within two years, I can turn Chaodu into a heaven on earth. At that time, Chaodu will be the most prosperous area in this world. Besides, you are not following me. You will be at my level. At that time, you can get everything you want, enjoying yourself with wine and beauties every day. I will build up a few sauna centers, which is a place to take bath, and let beauties give you a massage. Shit, what an enjoyable life! It will be much more comfortable than you’ve been in the capital. Don’t tell me you are a virgin!”

The tricker is a bit tempted by Heaven’s sweet talk. Staring at Heaven for quite a while, he finally asks: “Why is me?”

“Because you are very shameless.”

“I really appreciate your meanness. All right, deal!” Answers the tricker seriously.

“Great. A combination of meanness and shamelessness is invulnerable.” They hold each other’s hands tightly. Heaven really feels like shouting: comrade! At last we meet each other successfully!

“My great God, please forgive us! If I see beauties in the future, I will be the first one to make love with them! Of course, after that, I’ll offer up them to you, my God. Alasika!” Heaven really worries that the angry Sun God will come down to earth to beat this tricker!

The most shameless man won’t be more shameless than this tricker. It will be hard to find such a tricker talented in shamelessness in this world! That’s Heaven’s sincere opinion.

Now that they are partners, the tricker also exerts his strengths all the way. Wherever they arrive, he will cheat the locals out of food and drinks in the name of God, which enables Heaven not only to save expenses but also obtain many benefits.

Furthermore, there are lots of caravans and disciples choosing to join in their team. Heaven promises that these caravans won’t be taxed within a year. He purchases many stores of grain, which is enough to feed 100 thousand people for more than half a year.

Besides, he employs a host of craftsmen. Whether they work or not, they are provided with food, accommodation and a salary of 40 pennies; and if one chooses to work, he or she will get a quadruple salary. As for the tricker’s characteristic praise, the future of Chaodu is promising. However, behind Heaven’s back, the tricker will rather call him a spendthrift. Gradually, there are more than 15,000 people in Heaven’s team.

It takes them nearly a month to arrive in Chaodu. Getting out of the coach, Heaven and the tricker look around.

“O Great Sun God, I praise you for this splendid area. Alasika!” Cries the tricker sanctimoniously, then he turns and whispers, “Our cooperation is over. Damn, how can humanbeings live in such a place? I will return to the capital tomorrow!”