Chapter 199 - Insecurities and Sh*t

(cont'd)

"… I was hoping for an acoustic?" Tayaw asks realizing that the band's guitarist is holding an electric one.

"Oh. There's one here." The guitarist pulls one out from behind the curtain.

"Thanks." Tayaw receives it and heads back to the couch while tuning the guitar.

The guitar finally tuned, Tayaw strums it and looks at Aiden.

"What do you want me to sing about? I might have a song for it." Tayaw asks.

"You sure? Anything?" Aiden asks.

"Nah. But anything you feel you want for a song?" Tayaw asks again.

"Hmmm.. well. I've an old college buddy visiting from out of town last night. It was a pleasant double date." Aiden says.

"Perfect." Tayaw nods.

Before Aiden can show his surprise, Tayaw starts plucking the strings of the guitar. The beautiful and nostalgic melody of the song's intro immediately catches the attention of the people inside the studio.

D~ D/C# ~ Bm ~ G ~ D

D ~ E7 ~ G ~ Asus2 ~ D

"I saw a friend today; it had been a while

and we almost felt ashamed

But we laughed as we know deep inside

That our feelings stayed the same."

"I was lost in my own thoughts in my empty mind,

And through a crowd of strangers I'm walking blind,

I hear a familiar voice there across the street

Come walks to me an almost forgotten friend."

"We don't have to say a word.

We really know what's left unsaid.

Through my eyes I recognize

A face I never forgot."

D ~ E7 ~ G ~ Asus2 ~ D    … D ~ E7 ~ G ~ Asus2 ~ D

(inspired by Creed Bratton - All the faces)

Tayaw soon finishes the song.

"I guess that's it." Tayaw says.

"…" The crowd still silent from the lingering feelings the song has given them.

"…" Aiden too is dazed, the song capturing his exact emotions when he saw his old friend for the first time after 12 years. 

*clap* *clap*

Da Bellum Burning members are the first to get over their emotions and they initiate a round of applause.

*APPLAUSE*

"Thanks Isaac. That was a great song." Aiden smiles at Tayaw.

"Thank you. I guess I'm gonna put it in my next album." Tayaw says, his indirect promotion kills Aiden's nostalgia immediately. 

"Alright. That's all the time we have for the show! Once again, please watch 'Gold, Blood, and the Deer'. It opens in theaters near you. Good night!" Aiden closes the show.

*APPLAUSE* *BIG BAND MUSIC*.

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

Two days later, Sunday, 8AM – Mercer Street, Manhattan.

Tayaw and Payew just had their breakfast and are just lounging around in Payew's living room.

"Where do you want to go today?" Tayaw asks.

"I don't - ... Can we just stay inside today? I'm not really feeling it. We took three plane rides in the past four days. I think it did something to me. I feel sluggish." Payew says honestly.

"You're probably just tired. Shall we cancel the flight home tonight?" Tayaw asks.

"Is it fine with you?" Payew asks.

"Yeah. I don't have anything important unless someone calls. We can go back anytime you want." Tayaw says.

"That's good then. Still, I want to go home as soon as possible. If I feel better tomorrow, then let's go home tomorrow." Payew says.

"Okay. What do you wanna do then?" Tayaw asks.

"Nothing. Just.. nothing. My brain's tired from reading about Pixie and Pink Apron so I just wanna brainlessly browse the internet." Payew says. Tayaw understands Payew situation, being in similar cases plenty of times. 

"Alright. You do you." Tayaw nods. 

"Sorry, you're gonna get bored. What are you gonna do?" Payew asks, guilty.

"Oh, I'm gonna check my Isaac fan forum. It's pretty fun chatting with them. Then, I'm gonna do some writing." Tayaw says as he retrieves his laptop from his backpack.

"'The Halfling' sequel?" Payew asks.

"Yeah." Tayaw confirms.

"Just curious. How far along are you with it?" Payew asks, anticipating the sequel.

"It's gonna be ready for printing in a week or two." Tayaw estimates, including the time for the copyright to be approved.

"…" Payew is surprised but seeing Tayaw already is busily tapping away at his laptop's keyboard, he drops the matter. Having nothing to do, he also takes out his laptop from his bag to browse the internet. 

A few minutes later, "Bro. You should look at these reviews man." Payew tells Tayaw as he proudly scrolls through International Movie Base (IMB) website. 

|Gold, Blood, and the Deer – A curious film. One comes to understand or even excuse the morally questionable activities of "The Deer" in search for his identity.|

|A refreshing film amidst the tired and overused themes of the convention.|

|A romantic letter to the youth; a lesson to open the youth's eyes to the real world.|

|A one of a kind film that does the job of the romance genre and the sports genre cannot achieve on their own. As exciting as a sports film; a strong narrative that any romance films cannot match.|

|A bloody story, but its greatness cannot be taken away.|

|Isaac Yawat proves his success is not a fluke. 'Gold, Blood, and the Deer': another milestone set by him for the film industry. |

|The effective merging of innocence and corruption resulting to a moving film for a.d.u.l.ts. Two hours of well-acted, well-written original drama that is the first of its own.|

|A door for us to take a glimpse at The Mob. Its ethnic and cultural intricacies makes it also a lesson in 20th century American history|

|In a filmmaking and storytelling perspective, 'Gold, Blood, and the Deer' is a great achievement. Its dialogue, and performances will make it a film that will remain a classic for generations.|

|While the film is a first of its kind, its biggest achievement is the establishment of the mood and the time period.|

|Gold, Blood, and The Deer is a culmination of life; rich with emotions, the aspects of existence, including blood.| 

"Dude. Why are you looking at those? Even I don't." Tayaw chuckles.

"Knowing the guy who made the film kinda gives me a different perspective, you know?" Payew says.

"You don't care about these?" Payew asks.

"Nah. There's nothing they can say I don't already know." Tayaw jokingly brags.

"Man, f*ck you." Payew says, but his mood is not spoiled as he makes another tab for Twitter and Facebook.

|@isaacyawat! You're a genius!|

|@isaacyawat Holy sh*t! man, you've ruined other films for me!|

|@isaacyawat Bro! Please release the soundtrack!|

|@isaacyawat! Hey! Did Giovanni live after the war?|

|@andilogan Dude, I'm from Vegas. The character is based on Gonzalo Coniglio. If Isaac followed the life of Gonzalo, then Giovanni lives. The question instead is if there's a sequel!|

|@isaacyawat is there a sequel?|

|@isaacyawat I know who the story the film's based on. When's the sequel coming out?|

|@isaacyawat I can't wait for the sequel. Make sure to make it!|

||@everyone GUYS! ISAAC IS LIVE IN HIS FORUM! LET'S GO THERE!||

"They can't have enough of the film…" Payew mutters.

"On social media?" Tayaw asks.

"Yeah." Payew says.

"Hm. Those matter to me more than the critics." Tayaw says.

"I see…" Payew nods in understanding.

"By the way. It says here |@isaacyawat is @tldgrimmauld writing another novel?|. I still wonder why you're hiding your status as an author?" Payew asks.

"Like why I don't use my real name on stage and as a director. I don't want the attention. That attention will also shine a light on you, mom and dad, and Agew. I value our privacy." Tayaw says an excuse.

"I get it, but why don't you have your 'Isaac' persona reveal that he is also TLD Grimmauld then? That's a huge news." Payew asks. This immediately gets Tayaw's entire focus shift to finding an excuse.

"… Well… I want Grimmauld to be mysterious. It adds appeal to 'my' books. Imagine people's perception. 'Who's this guy?' 'His writing is old, how old is he?' 'Is he even a he?' 'He might be they: a group of authors'." Taaw says a loose excuse. 

'Sorry man. I just can't defend those works as my own.'

"Hmmm. Makes sense…" Payew accepts the excuse.

"So. You have two films in stock and an album in store, and a novel that's almost done. What do you do now?" Payew asks.

"I don't know. Maybe I'll go prepare to adapt 'The Halfling'. That stuff requires a shit ton of work." Tayaw says which makes Payew's eyes gleam. 

"But I don't even know where to start. Maybe I'll go see the world first. Learn languages." Tayaw says.

"About that… when the hell did you learn how to speak Italian? Your English too. I don't remember your English being that good when you were in high school. It's like you changed overnight when you went to apply to Northwestern." Payew asks.

"…" Tayaw realizes that Payew noticed more things than he expected and he pauses chatting with his fans.

"I don't know. English just clicked for me. As for Italian, I started learning the day 'September Ninth' was nominated for Sorrento. Became fluent in it rather quickly with the help of Italian songs and movies. Hey, actually. Knowing music makes it easier to learn." Tayaw says.

"Damn…" Payew is dumbfounded.

"It's like you got all the brains from the family and left me and Agew with so little… Well, Agew is kind of an art genius." Payew jokes, but is a bit jealous.

"Dude…" Tayaw is almost speechless, he saw through the expression of jealousy masked by the joke.

"I'm not. Well, maybe smart, but I'm definitely not a genius. I'm just lucky. I just happen to excel at things that are instantly marketable. I don't have your talent for numbers and your interest in things." Tayaw says in shallow consolation.

"Uhuh. Maybe. But how about your creativity? I can't even wrap my head around how you come up with your stories and your movies. Agew too. He's already a good porcelain maker, and he can paint and draw too. All in a span of 3 years.

"I on the other hand, I'm smart, but I have nothing to show for it." Payew says, now serious.

"…" Tayaw's brain churns once again, finding a quick explanation, seeing the emotion that Payew is trying to hide.

"Do you know why I often trip on things as a child? Why other teachers at school reported me to mom for not paying attention in class? Why dad was annoyed whenever I'm distracted?" Tayaw asks.

"Yeah?..." Payew remembers the instances.

"I was always daydreaming. As a child, I always daydreamed of stories. The fairytales and 'The Halfling' ideas just didn't pop-up one day. It's a product of my years of daydreaming." Tayaw explains.

"…" Payew is speechless as he mulls over Tayaw's explanation.

"…" Tayaw meanwhile, is feeling a cacophony of emotions as he looks at Payew who just revealed his insecurity.

In his previous life, it was obvious to Tayaw that Payew had the most self - confidence out of them brothers. His good grades in school, graduating c.u.m laude from a good university, and finally a bright career in the government, Payew achieved them with his trust in himself. This made Payew a bit arrogant but he never looked down on people. 

Comparing the current Payew and the one in his previous life, Tayaw cannot help but be guilty and afraid. Guilty that he had an indirect effect on birthing an insecurity in Payew, and afraid that the same insecurities will take a toll on his self-esteem resulting to Payew not being able to use his full potential. 

"You are lucky. You are born with the smarts, managed to learn right habits and hobbies, and the discipline. If you maintain that, you will become successful." Tayaw says.

"But you're luckier…" Payew smiles, feeling better now after his strengths are called out by Tayaw.

"Yes. I'm lucky. Extremely lucky. But it could have gone the opposite way. What if the stories I've been making in my head not become popular? What if the way I make films somehow are an eyesore to moviegoers? What if I didn't see the trick in things to learn things easier? What would I have been left with? I'd still be in school, studying to become an average engineering grad that will make better money in my foreign language skills of engineering stuff." Tayaw says.

"…" Payew is stunned thinking about what could have been.

"Before I won the jackpot, I was actually jealous of you and Agew." Tayaw continues.

Payew notices that the confident Tayaw is gone, as if reverting back to his high school self. 

"I wasn't as smart as you and I'm not as gifted as Agew even though I didn't know what he would be good at. I needed luck to succeed, and it came early. You and Agew on the other hand, do not need much luck, but sheer hard work and commitment to make something of yourselves. And if ever you just get lucky a bit, that's a huge boost." Tayaw says.

Payew, hearing Tayaw admit his own insecurities, now relates more with Tayaw. Tayaw also praising him seriously for the first time, he cannot help but be assaulted by complicated emotions. 

"...Thank you. I needed that." Payew says, sighing.

"Hmm. Don't compare yourself to me, or to Agew. We might be blood, and we might have some similarities, but we're our own person." Tayaw says.

"We are…" Payew nods.

Tayaw seeing Payew now looking better, is beyond relieved.

'…while I can take the guilt of plagiarizing stuff, I can't deal with the guilt of the effects it might have on you…'