Chapter 62 - THANK YOU FOR CONTINUING TO HATE ME INDIFFERENTLY

Patrizia had a dream that night. The moments before she restarted this life all came out in that dream. When the guillotine finally cut down Petronilla’s throat, Patrizia woke up sobbing.

“Aaaaaagh!

“Your Majesty!”

The shocked Mirya hastened to Patrizia in a hurry, as did Rafaella. She came into the room with a pair of swords in both hands, as she thought an assassin might have infiltrated, but gave a sigh of relief when she found out that wasn’t the case.

“Lizzy, Your Majesty. What is going on?”

“Sigh… ”

Patrizia was still unsettled and asked Mirya for water, and while Mirya went out to get water, Rafaella asked Patrizia with a worried expression.

“Now, Your Majesty. Calm down. I am the only one here. Your Majesty is safe.”

“Haa, Rafaella…”

In the dream, she had even seen the scene of her death, vividly replayed. If there was a god of dreams, she felt that her mind and body were being destroyed, so that she would be killed. It was only natural, as she had experienced all kinds of misfortune before her reincarnation. While Patrizia still rested with a pale face, Mirya brought in warm water.

“Drink first, Your Majesty. Then calm down.”

“Sigh…”

Still vomiting out her surprised breaths, Patrizia drank the water like a child. Mirya and Rafaella were staring at her. Patrizia wanted to say her usual words, ‘It is okay. You can all go back now. ‘ to them, but she couldn’t. Mirya asked in a voice full of worry.

“Did you have a nightmare?”

“… I think so.”

“Shall I bring something else to eat? Something sweet or…”

“No, it is fine.”

After drinking the water to some extent, the calmed down Patrizia told Mirya.

“I want to take a walk alone. I do not think I can fall asleep again in this state.”

“Alone? However…”

“Rosemond is not here right now, so there is nothing wrong with it. I am fine.”

Patrizia stumbled after saying that and got up from her bed. Because of the great impact from the shock, it was difficult to even properly move her body. Rafaella quickly supported her, and Mirya brought a shawl made of thick fur. Patrizia wore it and soon walked outside the Empress Palace with slow footsteps.

“… ”

Patrizia went with that garden. To a place that contained all of her feelings. Patrizia did not want to be comforted by anyone. The only person who knew this feeling right now was herself. Patrizia believed that being alone among flowers would organize her emotions and that she could bring down this miserable feeling.

“…”

Strange tears flowed as she walked up to the garden. She missed Nilla so much, but the time was deep in the night. It was a time for horses and stablehands to sleep, and it was impossible to wake them up due to her own uncomfortable heart. That didn’t mean she wanted to worry her whole family by walking all the way there and waking Nilla up. She just had to bear it alone. Anyways, even everything she went through was all gone now.

She was walking up to the garden without even thinking of hiding her tears, and it was then she could see someone from a distance. The moonlight was faint, so it was hard to see, but Patrizia at least figured out that this was not an assassin. The assassin did not look like that. Patrizia quietly approached that someone. It was Lucio.

“… Empress?”

Lucio’s voice hovered over the silent garden. Patrizia slowly walked to where he was and vowed not to hug him no matter how hard it was. The moonlight was so faint that only the flowers would know that she cried if she managed to straighten out her voice.

“I greet you, Your Majesty.”

“… Did you cry?”

‘Failure, damn it.’ Patrizia replied.

“Yes. It would seem so.”

“If you cried, you cried, what do you mean it would seem so?”

“Indeed.”

Patrizia replied with an empty voice, and Lucio’s expression was not good when he heard her voice. He asked.

“Did something happen?”

“… I thought it happened too long ago for the memories to even come back.”

She had remembered. Cruelly.

“But they did come back, the memories.”

“It is a bright red lie to say that time heals everything.”

As it was for him. With that said, Lucio handed Patrizia a white handkerchief. It was the same handkerchief he had given her that other day. She gently wiped her tears with it, and as Lucio watched her, he gently grabbed the handkerchief from her and wiped parts of her face that were out of her reach. Patrizia wanted to get away from there, but at the moment she wasn’t even up to it, and honestly, just walking up to that garden had been a feat.

“I do not think you cried even like this, at that time.”

“… ”

“It must have been a worse memory than that.”

“There is no match.”

She couldn’t compare Rosemond and Nilla. In a voice that still contained nothing, Patrizia asked Lucio.

“Your Majesty… What are you doing here?”

Despite saying that, Patrizia was afraid. She wondered if he would have another seizure, and she hoped he wouldn’t answer. Fortunately, Lucio smiled brightly and gave a better answer.

“Just because I recalled some bad memories.”

“… That time the…”

“No, the memories are a little less than that.”

Even then, it was the memory of abuse. There was no strength in pain. If it hurts then it hurts, what significance was there for hurting less or hurting more. Patrizia spoke quietly.

“You must be having a hard time now.”

“Yes, it is hard.”

Lucio smiled brightly as she said so.

“But I got used to it. That is why I do not cry anymore.”

“What does it mean to get used to pain?”

“I accept that pain as part of me. Specifically…”

Lucio, who was worried for a moment, concluded with a bitter look.

“It is being consumed by that pain. Being eaten.”

“I do not think that is very good.”

“It is a much better choice than groaning in pain.”

Was it? Patrizia asked Lucio, thinking that she couldn’t understand up to that much.

“Are you alright?”

“Is the Empress alright?”

“I am not alright.”

Patrizia spoke frankly, and Lucio smiled.

“Yes. It is much better to be honest.”

“Maybe I will not be okay forever.”

“That is fine. Wounds and pains are normally like that. It is a memory that can never be forgotten or erased.”

“You are speaking like a person who has mastered all of that.”

“A kind of defense mechanism.”

“… ”

Patrizia changed the topic, thinking she didn’t want to develop on the deep topic further.

“Are you alright, Your Majesty?”

“I told you. I am used to it.”

“I do not like Your Majesty, but I am regretful for your personal misfortune.”

She wasn’t sure if this was a normal pain that could be expressed with regret. Lucio spoke.

“Yes. I am grateful to the Empress for that.”

“… Yes?”

When Patrizia asked with an expression showing she didn’t understand at all, Lucio replied with a smile.

“Usually, when you hear this, Empress. It is hard to treat that person the same as before. They will try to draw a line. Try not to touch that person’s wounds as much as possible. Of course, that is from their goodwill, but sometimes it hurts that person even more.”

“…”

“Thank you for continuing to hate me indifferently.”

“…”

Why was he smiling like that? Patrizia bit her lips without her knowledge. Whether he had not seen that or was pretending to not have seen? He asked without pointing out her action.

“So are you alright now?”

“It would seem so.”

After Patrizia replied without much sincerity, she stared at the man in front of her.

All of the pain she was experiencing now had come from this man. It was this man who sent Nilla to the guillotine, and this man who had destroyed her family. However, this was strictly before she returned to this new life, and as of now, this man had no responsibility for it. Anyways, in this present state, the man would not order for the destruction of her family or send Nilla to the guillotine.

But even so, it was this man in front of her that had hurt her. Falling into the trap of inconsistent contradictions, Patrizia looked confused. If so, was she now trying to heal her pain with a man who was the source of her pain? There could be no ironic situation such as this.

“You seem to like this garden. You always seem to be coming here.”

“… Ah.”

Only then, Patrizia stopped thinking and replied.

“It is a special place, somewhat.”

“It is also a special place for me, this place. How fascinating.”

“…”

“After being beaten by my mother, I always came here and cried. That day, when the incident happened, I self-injured myself here.”

The content was cruel, but the voice containing it was devoid of anything. How on earth could this man say anything like this? Patrizia felt bad for him and became sad. Probably the flowers of this garden grew up, each drinking at least a drop of his tears.

“I just told you a story that was not so fun. I had better go back. The night is deep.”

“… Yes.”

Patrizia said this, and then gave him a proper farewell, and left the garden. However, she heard the sound of someone following her from behind. Looking back, it was Lucio. Patrizia asked, “Why are you following me?”

“I think it would be better to escort you back to the Empress Palace.”

“I can go alone.”

“It is dangerous. Why did you come out alone without bringing a guard?”

“I wanted to be alone.”

Patrizia politely declined.

“So I will walk alone. Return to the Central Palace please.”

“…”

With that said, Patrizia walked a little faster than before. When she walked about ten steps, Patrizia had noticed that Lucio nevertheless was following her carefully, but she decided to leave it as it was, instead of saying more about that. Eventually, Lucio watched Patrizia arrive at the Empress Palace and listen to Rafaella’s worried nagging, then returned to the Central Palace.

Rosemond arrived at the Imperial Palace earlier than expected. It was because the carriage’s speed was maximized at her prompting. Rosemond, who gave him a much higher bonus than originally promised, entered the Imperial Palace with a level of confidence that was unparalleled in that of the Darrow household. She went to her Vain Palace first. A few maids welcomed her.

“Lady Rosemond, you have arrived.”

“Yea, nothing much happened, right?”

Of course, I thought she would hear the answer, “nothing much happened,” but the reaction that came back was unexpected. When Rosemond hesitated with the expressions that the maids showed, not knowing what to do, she intuitively noticed that something had gone wrong. She interrogated them with a grim look.

“What is it? What’s going on?”

“That… That is…”

“Hurry up and say it.”

At last, Rosemond’s incessant questioning made the maids spill the truth. Rosemond’s anger soared to the top of her head, because of the fact that the budget for the Vain Palace had been cut in half, and that luxury items were being restricted from being bought at all.

She was in a very bad low mood due to the fatigue of her long-distance travel, and the stress she had received from the Baron and Baroness. Eventually, Rosemond moved her footsteps to the Empress Palace where Patrizia was, without even thinking about changing her dress.

“Your Majesty, Lady Rosemond is here.”

Due to Mirya’s blunt voice, Patrizia intuitively knew the reason why she had come.