Chapter 82 - . WHY DID I COME BACK HERE AGAIN

Even after she had sent off Petronilla, Patrizia continued to sit on the bench as she thought about something. No one would be able to determine how this would affect the oncoming battles, as an unexpected reinforcement had emerged. Patrizia was now wondering what was left for her to take care of, when a low voice was heard from above her.

“The flowers were pretty.”

“Ah?”

Patrizia looked up in surprise. It was that person. She thought this without saying a word.

‘What a relief. That nothing had happened.’

“What did your words mean earlier?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do not be surprised, pretend it is nothing…”

“…”

“That is what you had said, most likely.”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

Patrizia smiled awkwardly and lied to him.

“You were not surprised. The flowers were so pretty, I thought you would be surprised.”

Lucio pushed his face up close to Patrizia at the end of her words. He whispered to her in a low voice.

“Lies.”

“…”

“You cannot lie that well.”

“… What are you talking about?”

“Is it something you cannot talk about.”

He asked her directly, without beating around the bushes. She closed her eyes and replied to him, as she let out a sigh.

“That is the case, Your Majesty.”

“It feels strange.”

“… Yes?”

“I am still not someone that is worthy of your trust. I understand.”

“…”

“I am sorry if I crossed the line.”

“… No, you did not.”

Patrizia replied in a neatly arranged voice, and while Lucio seemed to have something more to say to her, he didn’t address it further and said something else instead.

“You do not look so good, it would be best for you to go and get some rest.”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

“…”

He said nothing further, and left. ‘There seemed to be more that he wanted to say…’ Patrizia quietly muttered to herself, and shook her head. ‘Do not take any interest.’

Patrizia returned immediately to the Empress Palace, as Lucio had said she should. She did not ask the people around her about the incident. To reveal Rosemond’s wickedness, she had to open up all the stories of Lucio and Alyssa as well. She did not want this to become widely known. Beyond anything else, this was because it was someone else’s secret. It was immoral to let others know about a person’s shameful past, when that person did not grant permission to do so. Patrizia thought in this manner, and hoped that people around her would think in this way too.

‘By now, she has probably used up all of the perfume.’

It was a fragrant perfume. Even Rosemond would find it difficult to refuse such a scent. Patrizia smiled, and closed her eyes. The pharmacist had told her that the effect would appear immediately.

“… Majesty, Your Majesty.”

And how much time had passed? Patrizia opened her eyes at the sound of calling out to her. In the darkness, Mirya could be seen faintly. Patrizia had twisted and turned in a fitful sleep, and spoke in a slightly annoyed voice.

“… Did I not tell you to not wake me up before I went to sleep?”

“I apologize, Your Majesty.”

As she said that, Mirya showed quite an urgent facial expression. Patrizia caught on to the situation, and rose up from the bed. Patrizia withstood the state of her aching body, and asked Mirya.

“What in the word is the matter”

“It is because the chief maid from the Central Palace was in a hurry, looking for Your Majesty…”

“… From the Central Palace?”

Patrizia was instantly gripped by an ominous foreboding.

Patrizia only wore a slip dress over her body, covered by a thick shawl, and hurriedly walked out. As she did so, she asked in an urgent voice.

“How long has it been since the episode began?”

“When 10 minutes had passed, I went to escort over Your Majesty.”

“… Rose, no the Marchioness?”

It was a name she truly did not want to utter from her own mouth, but the chief maid shook her head.

“She said to not wake her up from her sleep. Saying that she was fatigued…”

“…”

Patrizia walked on without saying another word, and eventually began to run. Since Patrizia had once witnessed his act of harming himself, bad thoughts continued to take place in her mind. ‘No, do not do that.’ Patrizia murmured to herself constantly. She did this without being aware of who these words were dedicated to.

“Your Majesty, will you be alright?”

It was only when she finally reached his quarters, that she was asked this, and Patrizia let out a laugh.

“It is you that has called me over here.”

“… That is why I am asking.”

The chief maid spoke to Patrizia in an anxious voice.

“I did not have any alternative option, so I asked Your Majesty for help, but Your Majesty… If it is too difficult, I will not force you to do so.”

“…”

“10 years… around that long? It has a long lasting spell. I do not think this will stop…”

“Are you.”

Patrizia spoke in a slightly angry voice.

“Are you either lacking in loyalty to the one you are serving, or are you simply concerned about me, as I am his actual wife?”

“… Your Majesty.”

“It is good if it is the latter. However, that is not the sort of mindset that you should be having, at the very least. If you are really thinking of His Majesty, then you do not have to worry about my well-being. I am not such a person with a narrow mind that I would not understand even that.”

“… I apologize.”

Patrizia wanted to tell her that it was not an apology that should be directed towards her, but instead brought up something else.

“How many years have you served His Majesty?”

“… It has been right after His Majesty became the Crown Prince.”

“It has been a long time.”

Patrizia muttered to herself bitterly.

“You must feel pity for him. And you must be fed up with this job.”

Certainly, anyone could see that this person was not mentally healthy. Patrizia pointed this out, and proceeded to open the door without any hesitation.

“EUAAAGH!”

“…”

As she saw him continuously screaming in a fit, as he tried to harm himself with his own hands, Patrizia had these thoughts in that moment. ‘Ah, how disgusted and exhausted this man must feel about all this.’ Patrizia took a step forward.

“Your Majesty.”

‘How tiresome is all this. Leaving the people who only had to witness this out of the discussion, for the person actually having to go through such an ordeal, how cursed he must feel as he self-loathes himself. Even I would…’

“Your Majesty.”

‘Even I would… I hate it. It would feel terrible. I would want to escape. But how could it be possible to escape when being bogged down for so long. Eventually, all that remained…’

“Please stop it.”

Miserable regret and feelings of shame. Patrizia moved while trembling, one step at a time. Suddenly she was about a stone’s throw away from where Lucio was. She bit her lips.

“Please stop it.”

“EUAAAGH! HEUAAH…”

He stared at Patrizia with his bloodshot eyes. A tear flowed down without her knowledge. ‘Why are you…’

“Why do you keep me testing me like this?”

“… Haaa.”

He appeared to look calm. Nevertheless, tears continued to race down her face.

“Why do you make me… find it impossible to ignore Your Majesty.”

“… HEUGH.”

“If you continue to be like this… I will be swayed. You make me want to hug you. You make me want to comfort you.”

“…”

“So do not be like this in front of me. Do not shake me up. I do not have the confidence.”

‘I do not have the confidence to handle you, I do not have confidence to love you. Even moreso, I do not have the confidence to embrace you.’ Patrizia muttered to herself like that as she hugged him. His body that trembled like an aspen tree began to calm down. Feeling that change with all her heart, Patrizia spoke out in a voice that was full of bitterness.

“You, what are you expecting me to do?”

“Haaa…”

“I want to ignore you, but you keep stepping into my line of vision, I do not want to concern myself about it, but if you continue to be like that…”

“… Ugh.”

“I cannot do so then…”

Patrizia, who sat down holding him, began to sob.

“I still continue to despise you, hate you…”

“…”

“Why did I come back here again?”

Patrizia swallowed her tears and kissed his head.

“Why do you continue to expect… the impossible from me.”

‘Now, I do not know anymore.’ Patrizia buried her face in his embrace.

“… ”

Lucio had barely managed to calm down after he remained in her arms for a long time, and soon fell asleep. With the help of the maids, Patrizia tucked Lucio into his bed, and seemed to contemplate deeply about something without leaving his side even after he fell asleep.

She was thinking about something. It was about something like this. Why did she come to this place, after she had heard what the chief maid from the Central Palace had said? Why could she not ignore him?

Why was she concerned about him? Why did she shed tears for him, while at the same time saying she despised him?

Why did she try to reason with him to not make her heart waver? Patrizia, why did she, why…

“Damn it.”

She let out a curse. She did not feel good. Very, very not good, at that.

“What are you hiding, Patrizia? The answer has already come out.”

“…”

She muttered to herself in a cold voice. Patrizia soon made a face as if she was about to cry. It was a common expression that was often made by those who did not have things go the way they had intended. ‘I want to do it like this, but my heart does not, something like that.’ Indeed, this was a situation that was like a dacquoise that had been chewed up, and spit out.

“I do not know. I really do not know now.”

Even though she already knew the answer, she pretended to not know. She scratched her head with an annoyed expression on her face, and fell asleep while leaning on the side of the bed, as she completely forgot about the thought of how she should leave soon.

Needless to say, on the days when Lucio had an episode, he prepared to hurt himself mentally. It was due to the feelings of self-hatred that he had committed such actions once again, and the guilt that rushed in later when he found his reason again. ‘Most likely, that day would be no different,’ was how Lucio had thought it would be.

“… Patrizia?”

So when he called out to her in a voice still groggy from sleeping, who was asleep and leaning next to the bed he was lying on, he could not help but be surprised. How was she here…? He hurriedly called for the chief maid, and she then explained to him before he even asked her.

“Her Majesty, since last night… has stayed by Your Majesty’s side.”

“…”

Lucio was really inclined to die by “diving his nose into a plate full of water.” He rebuked the chief maid with a grief-stricken expression.

“Why did you call for her? It is something that is always occurring.”

“… Your Majesty.”

“You should not have called for her? The reason for showing such a gruesome appearance, what could it be?”

“Her Majesty, the Empress said this yesterday.”

The chief maid spoke in a calm voice.

“I should only think about the person that I serve.”

“…”

“I am sorry, Your Majesty. If you were upset by this situation. But I… Even if I had to go back to last night, I would have done the same thing. For Your Majesty.”

“… Do not do that again.”

“… Yes. I apologize.”

“You can go out.”

Hearing his bitter voice, the chief maid felt a flood of regret, but she consoled herself that she had not done anything wrong to the end. Empowered by the words of Empress Patrizia from yesterday, she thought that she might disobey the Emperor’s command next time as well.

“Even so, why did you…”

Lucio muttered to himself in a voice full of pain. He stared at Patrizia, who had fallen asleep, with hollowed out eyes.

“When you had said you were not even feeling well.”

“…”

He looked at her with a sad line of vision, and began to stroke her head carefully. Even with that, he made sure to be as careful as possible, just in case she might be awakened. Lucio apologized to her in a dry voice.

“I am sorry.”

“…”

“I always seem to only give you hurt and pain.”

“…”

Patrizia had already been awake since the arrival of the chief maid, but she was just keeping her eyes closed again, because she was afraid of the awkward atmosphere. So when she heard what Lucio said to her, she felt a wave of disgust for some unknown reason.

‘How annoying…’

She hated him for saying that. She did not like how he was apologizing to her with such eyes as well. Just everything about him, bothered her.

‘How should I get up…’

Aside from her current feelings, this was the biggest problem right now. It would be iffy to wake up, and also to just continue pretending to be asleep. She was trying to take countermeasures while being at a loss, when suddenly he quickly lifted her up. Patrizia almost released a scream in that moment, but she barely managed to hold it in, and reassured herself.

“When she wakes up, she might get angry again…”

“…”

“However, I still want her to sleep comfortably.”

“…”

Patrizia quietly bit her lips when he was not looking at her.

“I will go out, so she can sleep more comfortably.”

“…”

THUD. Soon, with the sound of the door closing, even the footsteps of Lucio walking away grew faint. Patrizia finally opened her eyes and silently grazed over the spot that he had lain down on. Sadly it was warm.