Chapter 40

* * *Geunseok’s brother declared that he would leave the city for his college afterwards. He wanted to live by himself there. Around the end of december, he also told the family that he would be performing in a play hosted by the city. Of course, their dad ignored it completely. Mom had changed a little bit, though. She finally gathered the courage to try watching a play by her son. Dad didn’t say anything about it. He probably allowed it since this was going to be brother’s last play.“Geunseok, do you want to come too?”Geunseok nodded without hesitation. He was pretty curious too. Just what was it about acting that made his brother give up studying? The two of them went to city hall, where the play was taking place. They went to the waiting room first to find Geunseok’s brother.Geunseok stood on his toes, trying to find his brother in the crowd. It wasn’t very hard, since the person in question was in the spotlight then.His brother was… shining. Everyone was looking at his brother. A single word from him either simmered the room with a nervous air, or caused it to explode in joyous laughter. Even at Geunseok’s young age, he was able to tell how important his brother was here. It was almost like looking at a completely different person. Even his mom seemed surprised. Thankfully, his brother noticed them on his own. He walked up to them and told them in his usual tone of voice,“Well, enjoy the show.”Geunseok realized then that his brother wasn’t any different now than he was inside the house. The only thing that was different was how he looked at his brother. Soon, the play began. Brother was… amazing, to say the least. That memory didn’t last long though. His brother left for college shortly afterwards, and Geunseok returned to his routine life of studying. He felt great whenever his teachers praised him at school. That was the only thing he studied for. Praises. While the other kids were struggling with addition, he could tell them about stuff like equations. He wrote his name in Chinese characters and introduced himself in English as well. Even the other kids told him he was amazing.It felt great to be the center of attention. He didn’t want to forgo this feeling. Tests, quizzes, homeworks… he made sure to always score full points on them. His parents always showered him with praises when he showed them his tests. Along with presents. That feeling was exhilarating. He felt like he was loved by everyone. By his third year of elementary school, he completely forgot about his brother’s play. The only thing he saw in that year was his brother leaving home after declaring that he was dropping out of college.How disappointing.Geunseok would try harder to make his parents happy. With that, he graduated elementary school. He finished his placement tests for middle school perfectly as well. Again, his parents were ecstatic. That’s when he formed a plan in his head.Everyone would love him even more if he went to a good college. He studied and studied, and took his first test in middle school.And… He got in 5th place in the class. For the first time in his life, he wasn’t in first place. 24th in the entire grade as well. The hair on his back rose up. Suddenly, he felt scared. This wasn’t good enough. This wouldn’t do anything at all.That night, he received a bored response out of his dad for the first time. “Good job,” he said. And that was all. No praises, no gifts. He felt nervous. He grit his teeth and got to studying. Even when his friends wanted to play, he refused them and studied as much as he could.Each nosebleed gave him a high, almost as if he got himself a new achievement.It was a symbol of his at school. Each red dot on his notebook gave him confidence. And then… the finals came. Maybe it was because he slept late studying, but he failed on the very first day. He didn’t even have to look at his grades to know. He double checked his answers with his friends, and his score only came out to about… a 70. It felt like the world was crumbling around him. He got a 70 on all of his subjects. His friends almost looked like they were making fun of him. His teacher’s warm gaze suddenly seemed so very cold to him. He couldn’t talk to his friends on his way back home. He came back home and showed his mom the tests. Mom sighed. She didn’t say anything else. “How is it, mom?” he asked nervously.Mom could only respond with a very quiet voice.“Try harder next time. 70 is a bit low, isn’t it?”Geunseok couldn’t sleep at all that night, and he failed the rest of his tests that week. 70s across the entire board. He came in 26th in the entire class. He failed completely. His entire life plan was in ruins. He couldn’t even hope to go to a decent high school with these grades.He was a loser. A failure. That 70 should have never existed in his gradebook. Even now, he could see his parents sighing. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t get praises like this. He couldn’t… get loved like this.It was a stupid concern, he knew that. But at the time, he was very desperate. Desperate enough to want to kill himself. Because a Geunseok that couldn’t get praises may as well stop existing. Right around then was when he thought of his brother. He called his brother’s former college, and through his brother’s friends, he managed to contact the man. He didn’t even know what to say, or what he even wanted to hear. His brother asked him what was wrong. He didn’t respond, and just hung up. He couldn’t think of anything to say. The next day, on a Saturday morning, his brother came back home. “You’re fine, you’re fine,” brother said, gripping his shoulders tightly.It’s fine. That’s when Geunseok realized that… the only thing he ever wanted to get wasn’t praises. He just wanted to hear that everything was fine. How did his brother know? He asked with tears streaming down his face. “Your breathing just sounded so hurt over the phone. You think I’d be a brother if I didn’t notice? An actor, even?”His eyes were the exact same as 6 years ago, when he was eating instant noodles at home.“Do you want to go watch a play?”Geunseok nodded without hesitation. That was the first time he ever visited Hyehwa station. The streets were filled with people who had the same sort of energy as his brother. They moved like him, talked like him, and had the same eyes as him.They were alive.That day, Geunseok managed to find his dream. Maybe it was just a stupid dream. Maybe chasing after his brother’s shadow wasn’t all that great. But it was his decision to make. To keep that dream.He would do things differently, though.He kept studying. His grades got better again. Some way or the other, he managed to come in first in the entire school. His parents and teachers started praising him again. But this time, their praises all felt fake to him. Then, the third year of middle school came.Geunseok decided to attend an engineering high school. It wasn’t that difficult to convince his dad. He just said that by going to an engineering school, he could have an easier time going into a better college. He didn’t say anything about acting. He knew how his dad would react if the man knew about it.He would… probably get a slap in the face. That was fine. He’d keep on smiling regardless. Because he would be able to keep on doing what he wanted.