Chapter 34

Sindhu reached out and took Gautham's hands into hers and started playing with it. She kept drawing something on his palms. Or she would poke with her fingers. But she did not say anything. She just kept staring at nothing while her hands subconsciously kept playing with his.

After what seemed like forever, Sindhu started talking.

"You know that phoenix in my house. It was the first piece I drew using other colors after all these." Sindhu said gesturing towards all the black and red paintings.

"When I completed that piece, for the first time in many months I was able to smile. It was perfect. In fact it was more than perfect. I couldn't stop from grinning whenever I looked at it. That was the first positive feeling I had in a very long time. I felt alive. That is why I took it home rather than keeping it here like I always do because I needed some reminder. I felt like I will drown fully back in if I did not have something to remind me to pull myself back up. That is why that painting was not just brushes and paints. It served as my anchor which I needed to stay afloat." Sindhu explained.

Gautham listened quietly but wrapped his arms around her and brought her even more closer to him if that was even possible. He buried her face on his chest and kept his hands protectively over her head.

Sindhu shifted slightly and laid more comfortably.

After a pause she continued, "I don't know how to explain Gautham. I just… when I am with you, I feel like I can breathe again."

"Me… My home… the way I grew up… My parents… I don't know where to start. In whole of my life there were only two people who had emotionally affected me ever. One is my mum and then Shreya, my college mate. Of course this was without taking into account my three years in Bangalore. Those three years were worlds apart and it going to take more time for me to come clean regarding them. But for now I want to tell you about the other two."

"You?? Introvert??" Gautham interrupted with his brows slightly raised.

"Okay you can't really say introvert per say. But I had extreme aversion to any form of social interactions. I barely made any friends in my school. I spent more time turning pages than actually talking to people throughout the whole of my schooling actually. And the habit of reading books- it was introduced to me by my mum. We would endlessly discuss book after book. But the conflict came when I decided to quit veena.

"Veena is my mum's one sole dream. It was her obsession. Since she couldn't learn it, she sent me to classes from a very young age. And I was pretty good at it too. But I did not have the passion my mum wanted me to have. I used to sneak out of classes and skip practices. It drove mum crazy. But I never really quit since I knew how much it meant to her.

"But then one day, it all became too much for me. I couldn't handle the exhaustion. Or maybe I just wanted to spite her… I really have no idea what I was thinking. I just went up to her and told her I wanted to quit. And that I won't ever play. Originally I was not even going to go through with it. I was not being serious. I just wanted her to ease up a little bit. I just wanted her to stop with the emotional blackmails every time I skipped class or practice."

"But the way she reacted… she went ballistic… she reacted as if I committed a treason or something. I was 15 when she held a knife to her throats and threatened me to go back to classes and at that moment I… I did not even know how I was supposed to react. I just stood there. The shock and the pain were so immense. I hated ever learning veena with every cell of my being."

"After that I never touched veena. Once I stopped, for four years my mum alienated me. For someone who's whole world revolved around her mum that was like… I felt as if the whole world has turned their backs to me… it was as if I was all alone in this world.

"Not a single person came and told me that it was okay. That if I didn't like it, I can stop veena. Not a single person came and told me that I did not do anything wrong. All they saw was my mum's plea for how I wasted 8 years of hard work. How she painstakingly took me to classes all those years just for me to quit one day.

"My mum never thought of how a 15 year old will take her reaction. For me at that time her reaction was telling me how I was worthy of her love only if I can play veena. And that was like a stab in the heart… that too from my own mum, it was a torture."

"When I grew up I understood. She had her own problems and she desperately wanted to show the world how capable her children were and that she wanted a bright future for us but she just did not know how to go about it. I almost understand now that things were not as it seemed. But no matter how much I try I could never get over it. That is why till now I can never be close to mum."

Sindhu paused for a while. She let out a dry chuckle that was filled with despair and said, "She even took me to veena concerts in hope to change my mind. But for me that was the cruelest thing. Every minute in there I will end up remembering every bad memory I ever had with my mum."

"Veena is one thing I hate with whole of my being. I mean how can I not hate it??? It is that one thing that hold every last scar of my childhood. And it took my mum away from me."

Sindhu stopped talking after that. She had unshed tears on her eyes that she was trying so hard to prevent them from shedding.. Gautham kept gently caressing her head. Gautham remembered the lonely expression on Aruna's face the other day when he dropped Sindhu off. This kinda explains her expression. Both their expressions were mirror images. Both were equally hurting because of a past between them that neither of them can change no matter how much they try. Nor can they actually just let it go since the scars are too deep.

After a long while, he asked, "Did you ever try to explain all this to your mum??"

Sindhu nodded and continued, "When I was young, I never knew what I was thinking… so whenever I tried I was clumsy and all mum ever understood was that I was blaming her for something she put so much effort into that too for my own well-being. I could never make her understand that all I ever wanted from her was to come and tell me that it was okay if I stopped veena and that she still loved me just the same. And that never really happened till date no matter how desperately I tried."

"Once I grew up, we grew so far apart from each other that it no longer mattered. I built these big giant walls around me that nobody was ever been able to come near me. I retreated into safety of my shells so that no one can hurt me anymore. But then came Shreya and she tore apart those walls brick by brick. For once I was so sure she is going to be there with me forever. She was the only other person with whom I actually shared stuffs like this. She was the only one who knew what veena actually did to me."

"But everything changed in second year of our college. She pulled away from me. When I think about it now, maybe she had her own reasons but she never bothered to explain it to me.

The fact is even if she had explained to me those reasons, I am not sure I was in the right mind to understand them let alone accepting it. But the fact that she never felt the need to explain kinda showed my worth… or more exactly our worth.

I tried so hard to make it work you know. For years… but for her-our relationship was done and dusted. She did not want anything to do with me anymore. I was already a part of her past when I was still struggling so hard to let it go.

It was kind of ironic you know. She was the only person I ever trusted. When she promised me she was going to be there for me no matter what- it was the only time I ever really believed in a promise after my mum."

"I still don't know how I got my ass handed over to me both the times given I only ever let two people near me." Sindhu said and finally quieted down. She had a big lump formed on the base of her throat and tears were threatening to fall out. She took a few deep breathes to calm herself down. She did not want to completely break down in front of Gautham. For one, it would not be pleasant but more than that she was incapable of crying in front of others. Not even Shreya ever saw her cry. Sindhu herself was quite puzzled by this habit of hers.

Sindhu shifted and buried her face fully into Gautham's chest in order to hide her face. She had a great poker face but she knew Gautham would see through her. She did not want to give him the chance.

Sindhu knew there were people out there suffered from worse and still survived. There were people with actual problems. When compared to them these were just superficial rantings of a desperate person seeking attention. These two experiences in life had been blown out of proportion by her in order to justify the mess in her mind and that had actually been integral for her survival. She did not know what would have happened if her mum and Shreya hadn't end up hurting her and her mind was still insanely messed. If that had happened, she would have herself checked herself into a psychiatry ward most probably.