Chapter 1079: The things he felt (2)

Azief thought that if there is one thing that would ground him to his own existence it would be anger, or negative emotions or some darkness in his heart.,

He had studied about not drowning into the consciousness of a grand will. 

As such, he knew that negative emotions also work. Hatred, revenge, this kind of obsession is very powerful and it sometime defines a person.

This kind of feeing could be used to break out from that feeling of wanting to be in unity with a grand will.

But…. he had never thought, that instead of feeling all of that, seeing all of the things that he hated about himself, all he could see, all he could feel was…...love

And it is not even the big things. It is the small things. The little gestures. The smiles, the laugh, the gaze that lingers in his heart and in his soul

Such memories that imprinted so strongly in his soul…that he could not erase it. 

As he remembers all of these feelings, all of these memories, he felt himself slowly floating own from this illusory state of wanting to soar to some unknown vastness.

He saw his memories in a way he never saw it before.

He saw Sofia in a memory that he himself had forgotten. Maybe it was from that moment that he first like him

He remembers her singing. And he remembers how he felt at that time, seeing her sing. And then he saw the happy memories that he had with her.

He is no always there. 

And sometimes times do bury some things. 

But maybe it is because the intensification n of one feeling and emotion after the fall, that even after years had passed for him, he still has feelings for her.

It could not be erased. He remembers one morning in particular. At that time, she and him is wandering the world before he left Earth.

It is inside a tree house. But the tree house is large and cozy. The flooring is wood. And there is a double bed inside a large room.

He was there on the bed, naked, covered by a white blanket, looking at the wood ceiling. There is a smile on his face.  She sleeps and lay down her head on top of his chest

He flicks her nose and she smiles before she giggles. She opens her eyes and look at him, love in her eyes

And he kisses her on her forehead. And she giggles again. The sun rises up in the distance, and the sunlight enter the tree house from the windows.

The sound of the wave nearby, the beautiful sunlight that fall over him and her, all of it seems like a masterpiece painting.

She come closer to him, still that smile on her face.

She kisses him on his cheek. Then on his lips. On his nose and on his forehead. 

And he laughed. And she also laughed.

He hugs her close and they just lay beside each other like that for hours. Her head on his chest, his fingers twirling her hair, smiling and laughing, they talk about empty things. 

Sometimes Sofia would get cheeky and tries to tickle him and he go along with it. It was the perfect morning.

At that time, at that moment, he felt like…. he had everything he ever wanted

It is such a simple moment. 

But why does such moment resonate so strongly in his heart? And Azief got the answer. Because she is next to him. 

That's the only thing he needed to remember her. Add that with all the things she did, it left an untraceable, indelible marks on his soul

He is in love with her, and she is in love with him. To love someone, and for that someone to love you back, the feeling of that happiness is hard to describe.

All of this memories, all of these warm feelings seems to envelop him and pull him closer back to the ground.

And then there is Katarina. And he was back toward that day underneath the abyss of ice. He saw her….and he lost his breath

It felt like time stopped for him. Everything stopped but only she was not. The feeling of being awed by someone.

Azief had met many beauties in his journey. But…. there was just this something about her. The meeting between him and Katarina felt like an inevitability.

He felt that even if he tries to run from this meeting, somehow one day, somewhere, they would collide.

The cold princess. That is what people think of Katarina. But they do not know her, the way he did.

The way her face lights up when she smiles. The way she hopes for the best and fought for it. They talk to each other, and it felt like he knew her even before this.

They have never met before that time, they come from different culture, different countries. 

There were so many things that could differentiate them from each other, but, yet, somehow, it was like he knew her.

It did not mean he knew her past, her stories, her life, no, that is not what he knew. 

This is some kind of indescribable feeling, of knowing her, like a piece of puzzle meeting together, and fitting each other.

A soulmate. This supernatural idea that there is someone who is perfect for you, to fill all of your soul. 

Azief scoffed at this. Love is cheap. It is ever-changing. It is not eternal. It is not always and forever.

It hurts and it could break anyone. Pain and suffering. 

But when he kisses her all of this was of no consequences. The cynic has become the converted, the sceptic, an ardent zealot.

And all of the memories he shared with her flashes him by like some kind of panorama but each moment strikes deeply in his heart

With her, it is easy. They understood each other. And he come closer and closer back to the ground.

He then is reminded by many things. He saw Sina and was reminded of the scolding. 

her scolding come from the heart so even when she was angry, Azief felt warm in his heart

And this warmth is remembered. People said that happy memories could cover up the bad.

And that is what is happening. He had a lot of dark moments in his life. There were many things in his life that he is not proud of doing.

This dark moment shaped him. And it is not easy to break that mold. To break what you think you are. Even now, there is a part of him that just stay there…...in that darkness.

Hearing whispers of doubt. And sometimes, he doesn't want to leave that darkness. Not everyone is going to understand this.

Once you stay there long enough, it is hard to sometimes get out of that. You began to feel that the darkness is the only thing you deserve to have.

But Azief is changing. He fought the whispers of doubt. Every day, he fought. But, there is always mistakes made sometimes.

He is a flawed man. 

There were just some things that he felt not worthy of having. 

Love, hope, all of these good things people sometimes take for granted is one of the most precious things that he just began to appreciate.

When one is weak, one seek power. 

When one is strong, one appreciate sincerity.

This guilt carries on and on and like a cycle Azief had to fight it every time. 

That is why he thought the one thing that would make him able to find his way back to himself is these obsessions. 

He expected to see some of his biggest mistake, trying to pull him into that darkness, trying to weaken him.

And by fighting the darkness and the obsession, not drowned by these self-doubt, that is the way he is going to come back home.

That is what he thought would happen.

But the vision, the things that keeps calling him back is surprisingly all of these warm feelings. 

There is some feeling of shock in his heart.

The vision did not stop there. Another face appears and he saw Loki. Not the appearance that he always uses as a disguise but the true face of Loki.

When Azief broke through before and having a higher level than Loki, he had seen Loki true face. A young kid that is not even yet reach puberty at that time.

Thinking about it again, it might also be Loki scheme to show him his true face., To make him understand him and make Azief trust him.

He is mischievous, cheeky, a bit of a know-it-all, but, Azief had come to see him as his younger brother he never had.

He knew that Loki is a time traveler. He did not know the full story but he knew that the story would not be simple.