Chapter 110 - To Overcome Helplessness

Nowicki felt Paulina's hand on his hand. His friend sat down on the couch, so their knees were almost touching. Just her touch and company cheered him.

"I have no idea how he must feel now" Andrzej confessed. "When I try to imagine it, I just can't. I know he is suffering, I know he is struggling, but ... If I could, I'd take it all on myself, but he won't let me. I can see him trying, but ... Sometimes he can't tear himself away from me. Then I hug him in my arms and stroke his head, at the same time feeling that he is moving away from me. This is so weird."

Paulina's other hand appeared on his other hand.

"You love him," the woman said mildly.

"Finally I understood it and told him how I felt. I know that he has not stopped loving me, but ... sometimes we are so close, and sometimes it seems to me that we are separated by oceans. When we made love..."

Shit, he wanted to seek advice and support from Paulina, but he couldn't finish the sentence. They had discussed their erotic life with each other more than once, but when he talked about Dominik it was ten times harder. After all, it wasn't about a fleeting love affair or advice on the best position to please a woman. The case concerned someone exceptional in every respect. The only one. Priceless.

Paulina squeezed his hands.

"You think he was… ra**d?"

Andrzej's heart and throat tightened with iron hoops. His beautiful, beloved Dominic ... But they had to deal with this problem, no matter how painful it was.

"It depends on how you define it," he said quietly. The words barely passed his throat. "I mean… You know, we got that bastard with Bambus."

"Hope you cut his balls off!" Paulina hissed with venom that a cobra might envy her. "Or that Bambus tied a stone to his legs and threw it to the bottom of the Vistula ..."

"No," Nowicki shook his head resignedly. "At first I wanted to kill him, cut his liver with a blunt knife, and have him eaten raw, but then I thought about Dominik. This boy is not the type to want bloody revenge, so I was afraid he would take it bad if one day the bastard's body came out ..."

"Good chain, big stone and it will not come out" Pauline assured having in her eyes all the hatred of the world.

"Maybe. But this type looked so pitiful and shabby, as if he was already doing his penance. As if Dominik himself had put him in his own private hell. Seeing his suffering made me feel better. Sometimes life is a better punishment than death."

"Really? Serves him right. But ... what about Dominik? What ... with you?"

Exactly, what about them? It was on this matter that Nowicki came to Paulina.

"He pretends so badly that he's okay, and yet he kicked me out of the bedroom. Maybe not literally, but he doesn't want to share a bed with me, although he hasn't missed an opportunity to drag me there before. I know he has a problem falling asleep. The light is on until late and I sometimes hear him in the middle of the night coming downstairs or walking around his room. He doesn't realize I know it or he would have stopped doing it."

Andrzej knew that insomnia could come after such experiences. Even the doctor warned that it could be so.

"And sex?" Paulina asked worriedly. "Did you manage to get closer to each other? I'm sorry to ask you that, but if that motherfucker did something to Dominik ..."

Paulina rarely used such blunt words, but she hit the jackpot with the term.

"Right after I left the hospital, he dragged me into a bedroom. Everything was fine, only afterwards I felt him freeze for a moment in my arms as if he was scared of something or remembered something terrible. The next night he didn't even smile provocatively at me. After that, he never invited me to his place, and when I tried to get closer, he squirmed like an eagle owl. We made love one more time and he froze again at the end. Nothing since then. We hug, kiss, but nothing else."

Andrzej clenched his fists, not noticing that Paulina's fingers were squeezed in them.

"Why can't I help him? Why is it getting worse? I thought that with love and tenderness I would chase away bad memories from him, but it is not. There's something in him, and I don't know what and I don't know how to get there to get it out of him."

"You will, for sure."

"So why is he pulling away from me instead of getting closer?"

There was a silence as they both devoted themselves to their thoughts.

"Maybe ... he's dirty?" Paulina asked softly.

"What?"

"You know, dirty, unclean. I saw in some movie how a r*ped girl couldn't meet her boyfriend's eyes. She felt so unworthy to be with him that… But this is probably not the best example."

"Paulina!" growled Andrzej, feeling the terror overwhelming him.

"The man who kidnapped him (let that bastard foul in hell) took something from him. He used him, maybe he dehumanized him in some way, so ... maybe Dominik feels inferior? Not good enough."

"This is absurd! He is just as wonderful a person as ever! Nothing has changed!"

"Maybe in your eyes, but in his? In the eyes of others?"

"Almost nobody knows about what happened."

"He knows. And you. And now me too. Maybe the doctor knows. Policeman."

"I understand what you're talking about, but he knows it doesn't matter to me! I told him that! "

"Maybe he knows, or maybe he is subconsciously afraid that it's not true or that you will change your mind."

"I'll never do this! Never!"

Andrzej himself was surprised by the enthusiasm with which he spoke it. He was usually calmer and more balanced. Is it Dominik that causes such turbulent emotions in him?

Paulina smiled happy at him.

"You convinced me," she said, "now just convince his reluctant, incomprehensible subconscious."

"But how?"

"Just be there and love him. I think it will really help him over time."

***

Dominik woke up drenched in sweat.

He was afraid, he was very afraid. This dream ...

Like a cat, he curled up in his large, empty bed. He missed Andrzej, wanted to hug him, even to touch him, but he was unable to invite him to his bed. He loved him like a madman, but he couldn't get addicted to him. Andrzej had to work, meet people, lead an active life and not be tied to him. It wasn't love to take over someone completely. His lover had to have space and Dominik had to be able to endure several hours without him.

Only this dream...

How much time has passed? Two or three weeks after that terrible event? Dominik trusted someone, considered him a friend, and that someone drugged him, abducted him from home and imprisoned him in a concrete basement for three days and made him ...

The actor shuddered. It is true that he turned off most of his emotions and even part of his consciousness, he turned the body into an empty shell without his self, but… he could not do it completely. The memories remained, suppressed, deliberately distorted by his defending mind, but still present and flooded him more and more. That touch was so disgusting ...

Dominik was suffering. He knew he should deal with his demons himself, that he shouldn't burden anyone with them, but he felt that if he didn't see someone who really cared about him right now, something inside him would break and it wouldn't be glued together.

No, not someone Andrzej.

It was different from what Marek had done to him. He loved Marek in a way and then he belonged to Marek and now he belonged to Andrzej. Nowicki was so brave and so strong. Even when he could not admit that he loved Dominik, Śliwiński felt his love. The photographer could even assure that he would never love a man, but Dominik simply knew that Andrzej's actions were more important than Andrzej's words and deeds, even the small gestures he made always ensured his sincere love.

It was this warmth and beauty that Dominik needed now so that his heart would not fall into small pieces.

He got up and walked quietly, barefooted, down the corridor. He shyly opened the door to the photographer's room and slipped inside. It was dark, but Śliwiński recognized the shapes of the furniture and the outline of the silhouette lying on the bed. He walked over to her and gently, so as not to wake the sleeping man, found his warm hand.

"Uhm ... Dominik?"

The actor wanted to run away, but he was held down by a warm, dear hand. How could he be so careless and wake Andrzej?!

"I'm sorry!" the actor cried softly. " Go back to sleep."

"You had a bad dream?" Andrzej asked and his voice sounded very warm.