84 : She Said She Loved Me

"You got your office renovated." Min Jae commented upon seeing the new and modern interior of the room. He kept his hands inside his pockets as he stepped inside. Looking around, there wasn't much to see. It quite matched Seong Won's personality of being a minimalist.

"Well, would you rather see the old wooden walls you hated so much?" Seong Won teased. He closed the door behind him and proceeded to the compartment where his files were stored.

"No, thanks." Min Jae replied with a snort. "I've always felt like being trapped in a dreadful tavern there."

Seong Won's brows furrowed upon hearing this. A dreadful tavern? He'd never heard of such a ridiculous remark in all his life! Seong Won lightly shook his head and chuckled. "Ah, you never changed. Still as imaginative as ever."

Having found Min Jae's file, Seong Won placed it on top of his desk. He then grabbed his clipboard and gestured for Min Jae to comfortably sit on the sofa. "You remember our cue words don't you? Say 'yellow' if we're heading towards a sensitive topic and 'red' if it's a matter you don't want to discuss at the moment." Seong Won recalled. Pulling a stool, he sat a few feet away from him.

"Yeah, I do remember." Min Jae replied.

Seong Won had been Min Jae's psychiatrist ever since he was young. His parents encouraged him to see one after experiencing repetitive occurrences of nightmares. They also became more worried when he suddenly talked less and developed a poor appetite that caused his weight to alarmingly decrease.

Furthermore, Min Jae even stopped attending school for awhile. Despite his parents' strict rules and upbringing, he still refused to go. His parents went to ask his teachers thinking that he might've been a victim of bullying in school. However, they only ended up becoming more confused to find out that he's being treated nicely in the classroom and that he was actually not much of a social butterfly.

"Alright. If that's the case, then... let's begin." Seong Won declared. He sat on the stool cross-legged with the clipboard on top of his lap.

Upon seeing this, Min Jae raised an eyebrow. "I thought you said we were just gonna talk?" He asked. "What's with the..." He gestured at Seong Won's current demeanor.

"Oh." Seong Won muttered. "I apologize. I thought it would be helpful for you to see or feel something familiar to you as we talk." He explained. Seong Won discarded the clipboard, placing it on the small table beside him. "Very well. What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?"

Min Jae opened his mouth to respond. However, before he can even utter a word, he held himself back. Seong Won suddenly noticed this. He had been helping Min Jae for years already and seeing this gesture of his, Seong Won instantly knew how he felt.

"Yellow." Min Jae said, his voice was almost inaudible.

Seong Won nodded in response. "Okay. Why don't you tell me how you feel right now instead. Maybe we can begin with that..."

He trailed off.

Min Jae pressed his lips. He stared at the coffee table for a while as he assessed himself. Later on, he answered. "I feel ashamed." Avoiding Seong Won's eyes, his hands tightened on his knees. "I feel worthless and terrible."

After a few moments of silence, Seong Won noticed that he had nothing else to add. He then decided to proceed. "Alright. Help me to understand better..." He said with a gentle voice. "You said you feel ashamed, are there any factors in particular that made you feel that way?"

Min Jae shortly glanced at Seong Won before looking away again. "My wrong decisions." He shrugged. "Because of them, I've hurt people and in return, it makes me hate myself too."

Seong Won recalled something he had observed before. With this, he realized that the pattern of Min Jae's thoughts were consistent so far. Seemingly, his personality was still guarded. It means that he would rather keep it to himself that hurt others. In other words, he would rather suffer alone than drag others with him.

"I'm sure you know that as humans, we all make mistakes." Seong Won began. "We've all had our own share of wrong decisions because of our varying perspectives. Additionally, we all came from different walks of life too. We may not be able to do something to change what had happened in the past but we can do something about how we will respond to it." He explained.

Min Jae ceaselessly stared at the coffee table. Nevertheless, Seong Won continued to speak knowing that he was still listening. "Often times, understanding what makes us feel shame isn't simple. There can be numerous factors or triggers that can allow us to feel this way. To begin with, we can attempt to explore two areas. Do you want to go deeper into the situation or your thoughts?" He asked.

"My thoughts." Min Jae curtly replied.

"Okay, we'll do that." Seong Won confirmed. "Try to recall the thoughts you had relative to the situation that made you feel this way. They can come in different forms such as verbal or visual. Thoughts can be images or memories so please try illustrate them in such a manner that would best exhibit what went through your mind."

Hearing this, Min Jae swallowed. He was used to repressing painful memories. He was used to putting them all at the back of his mind while he distracts himself in his work. However, he knew that sooner or later, he has to face them again. Similar to an open wound, it will never heal unless addressed.

With his hands balling into fists, Min Jae slowly closed his eyes. The vault he kept locked was now open. As a result, his deepest thoughts and memories from his past began to resurface one by one. Min Jae felt beads of sweat beginning to form on his forehead. His heart beat rapidly and it became the only sound he heard in the four-walled room. A few moments later, his eyes flew open.

Worried, Seong Won immediately checked on him. He had called Min Jae for a few times but he was unresponsive--it was almost as if he fell into a trance. "Min Jae, are you okay?" He asked with his eyes full of concern.

Min Jae heavily breathed to catch his breath. Consequently, he could only nod in response. Seong Won handed him a glass of lukewarm water to calm himself.

The psychiatrist keenly observed him. Seong Won was thinking carefully about his findings when finally, Min Jae responded. "My wife." He muttered. "She said she loved me."