Chapter 138 - Loving Myself

Madeline's POV

I got out of my husband's office with trembling limbs, and I was trying my best to control all the emotions that I feel. And it took a lot of my willpower and courage to tell him what I want because looking at Hunter wearing jeans and a t-shirt and his ruggedly handsome look made me want to stay and be wrapped with his muscular arms. And I am fighting the urge to go to him and kiss him wild and hot because I know I can't deny that deep inside my heart, I am still longing for his touch and his kisses. Still, I concentrated on the things that he did wrong to me to forget all my desire for him, and I tried my best to remember all the pain and sleepless nights he had caused me.

I walked towards the elevator with my head high, and I never look back, but I got so frustrated when I press the button it didn't open, and I waited for a long time, but nothing happened. And I am just glad that Hunter didn't run after me, or else my mind will be in shambles again. And when the elevator didn't open no matter how many times I pressed the buttons I realized to take the emergency stairs, and I hate the idea that I was wearing high heels and it would be so hard for me to walk and I don't want to go barefoot so I descended the stairs with limited movement.

And as I go downstairs I couldn't stop myself from crying as I remember all the things that we have done together as husband and wife. All the memories that we have came rushing back to me, and it made me feel sick. If I have it my way I will not give up my husband, but knowing that he is having a hard time because of me I will give him the freedom that he ever wanted. It made me angrier to find his ex in his office, and I couldn't believe that she already gave birth to their child, and I guess they are talking about the baptism of their son.

I stopped myself from crying, and I smiled, thinking that at last, I made it, and I feel so triumphant even if there is a part of me that has been telling me I made the wrong decision, and I am going to regret it for the rest of my life. 

"Madeline! Madeline! Please wait for me.!" I heard my husband's voice calling me above the stairs, and It made me feel so worried that he will catch up with me. Hence, I doubled my steps, but no matter how I try to move fast, I can't because of my high heels, and when I realized he could catch up with me, I get rid of my heels from my feet and carried them with my right hand, and I smiled when I realized it feels better to be barefoot. 

And I couldn't believe he will be running after me, and I can hear his footsteps approaching, my chest heaved as I struggled to go down faster. Still, I got so frustrated in the end because when I reached the bottom of the stairs and when I was about to open the glass door, Hunter took hold of my wrist and spun me around to see him. I hate to be face to face with my ever handsome husband, and the pull that I felt towards him makes it hard for me to run away from him.

"Please, Hunter! Let me go! Why are you even doing this when you already have your first love in your bed." I said as I tried to fight him, but I know my husband was stronger than me. His height alone is towering over me, and I hate to think that it feels so wonderful to be enclosed with his arms, but no matter how amazing it feels I can't stop myself from glaring at him, and I continue to jabbed his chest, but to no avail he never let me go.

"That is not true Madeline. You are the only woman I want to be in my bed, and you are the only want I want to make love with, and there is no woman out there who can make me feel this way. Every time you are in my arms, I felt like everything will be okay as long as you are with me. You are my guiding light, and you made me a better man." He said.

"And if I am your light, why did you allow me to get busted, and if I made you a better man, how come you make me feel like I am unwanted and worse, you make me feel so angry with you. Ever since we get married, all I did was show you how much I love you. I even give you the freedom to care for your ex because I trusted you that you would never break me. I counted on you that you will never cheat on me." I said in a cold tone, and I can feel his entire body tense.

And when I confronted him how he get Rebecca pregnant, I felt his hold loosened, and I took my chance to use all my strength to push him hard, and I felt so glad that I was able to free myself from his embrace, and I turned around from him. And when Hunter told me they drugged him, it made me stopped in my tracks, and I wondered who they are? And I swear I want to believe that he was telling me the truth, but I am too hurt to listen to any of his lies, and I want to stop the anger and pain that enveloped my heart.

I turned around and looked at him and told him it is impossible he didn't make love with Rebecca, and when he told me and begged me to believe him I shook my head because I am tired of listening to him. And I hate myself that I didn't move when he came closer to me, and when he kissed me on the lips I can see the stars and it feels so wonderful to taste his lips after a long time. He claimed my mouth with urgency and he kissed me like he was kissing me for the first time. And I have to admit that I kissed him back with the same manner, but when I realized why we are standing at the bottom of the emergency exit I realized all the misery he had caused me and his kiss will never be enough to compensate the anguish and the misery that I felt.

I slapped him hard on the face, and it made him stop kissing me, and I told him he has no right to kiss me that way, even if I know my face is blushing because of the hot kissed that we shared mixed with my anger. I am angry with myself because he almost got me swayed, and I am just glad I came to my senses before I give in to my husband again. And I hate that he told me that he still has the right to kiss me because I am still his wife, and he is still in love with me. And how I wished he told me about these things before I find out he impregnated Rebecca. Because right now I am too deaf and blinded by my anger towards him to listen to his sweet words

I walked away from my husband with the determination to stand firm with my decision. I know I will always love my husband and I don't even know until when I can stop myself from loving him, but I realize I need to love myself first before I can love him again because I know I need to have some self-respect so that no one can hurt me this way ever again. I am aware that I have been a good wife to him, and maybe I am part to be blamed because I let him be with Rebecca. And I have given my husband permission to help her so that she can be well again because I feel too guilty to watch her suffer at the mental care homes but I never realize I will be suffering to, and I suffered long enough. 

All those nights I was sleeping alone I was thinking I was doing it for the common good and I thought I was helping Rebecca to get over with her illness, but I never realize it will give them the freedom to be together and to make love every chance they can get until she got pregnant because my husband knew I am aware he was with her. I felt so stupid for being a good wife, and this time I need to be strong, and no one can dictate me on what to do with my life, because from this day forward I will become a different woman because I am no longer the naive nineteen year old who came to the Divenson mansion years ago who were so young and vulnerable and was confused on what to do because of my aunt's debts.

All I need right now is to be tough and love myself above all, and I will show the world that even if I have been hurt and humiliated I can still face the world with dignity and without fear.