Chapter 140 - The Smell Of Certainty

ETAN

Etan wasn't sure what he'd expected his mother's response to be to the idea of Sarya as a daughter in law, but it wasn't a frown and eyes shadowed with confusion. 

"But… I would have sworn… Etan are you certain?" she asked, her voice higher than usual.

"Never more certain of anything in my life, Mother," he said firmly. 

His mother looked perplexed. "But why does this make you nervous? Your father had hoped for a more ambitious match, perhaps. But we have no issue with the Lady Sarya. Wasn't I the one to draw your attention to her?"

"Were you? Yes, probably. I hadn't remembered that. Well, obviously my mother is wiser than even I thought, if you would have chosen her yourself, that is… that is good to hear."

His mother stared at him, examining him, the clouds of uncertainty, frustration, and something he couldn't identify skittering across the sky of her eyes. He dropped his gaze to their hands, suddenly certain that if he held her eyes any longer, she would see the truth in his eyes and it would be the end of everything for Ayleth. He couldn't let that happen. Could never let that happen.

"Etan…" his mother said in that gentle voice that made him want to weep. "Are you certain there isn't anyone else? I was… I was so sure that your eye had been caught elsewhere…?"

"Deadly certain," he said through his teeth and forced himself to raise his gaze, to meet her eyes and let her see his resolve, even as sweat dripped down his back. How had she known? It was of no matter, though, because if he was certain of anything it was that this course of action was utterly necessary. Utterly. 

"I can tell you with every ounce of my soul, Mother, that if we do not announce Lady Sarya at the Unions of the Peace Accord I will be… I will be devastated." Of that much, at least, he was sure.

She blinked, surprised by the vehemence of his statement.

"I have no doubt of her regard for you," his mother said eventually, her forehead still lined with concern. "It has been obvious since your first meeting that she holds you dear. I'm sure this news will make her very happy," she finished. And he finally looked up because they both heard what she hadn't said: That it was her joy to see Etan in love. That she celebrated his happiness in his chosen union. The things she'd told him since he was young that she looked forward to when he reached his majority and found a wife. The hopes she had for him—for real love that pressed beyond the boundaries of politics and prestige. Like she had with his father. A love that would keep him warm even on cold nights.

It was all there in her eyes, though and Etan had to fight the urge to argue with it. Because he couldn't risk… anything. So, instead, he held her gaze, pleading with her not to speak of it. To hold her tongue. The ache in his gut was a physical pain because he knew, politics aside, if his mother saw him with Ayleth, saw the truth of his feelings for her, she would shed tears of the joy for the love in him—and the love he received. 

While his mother, the Queen of Summitras, understood politics and honored her own role in them, she had always been a wife and mother first. She'd always preferred real connections over political alliances. And she'd taught Etan to do the same.

"Then, in that case, I will speak with your father now, if you wish?" she said, still watching him closely. "But know, Etan, that should you change your mind, or… or if things become less certain for you… we will always choose your happiness and wellbeing over a political victory. Even in this. Once it is announced there will be a great deal of pressure from the people and Rulers. But your father and I have been resolved on this point since your birth, knowing as we do the sheer vulgarity with which many of these unions are made. So hear me, son: It is never too late until the moment you have said your vows before God. Should you… should you ever find yourself desiring another, or wishing out of this union… we will not force you to it. You need only speak and we will help you face the difficulties of extricating yourself from this agreement."

She knew. He wasn't sure how, but she knew. And he thanked the Father of Lights that she was merciful to reassure him without speaking of it directly.

Etan sucked in a breath. "Th-thank you, mother. But do not worry yourself. I am certain. I will not back away from this." He would absolutely allow Sarya to back away from him, however. In fact, he would require it—would give her every reason to do so. Because she was a friend and he would not have her life ruined because his own was a political warzone. He needed to announce a proposal at the Peace Accord Unions. He did not have to marry. 

He would not break his vows.

He suddenly realized he'd drifted in his thoughts again and had to bring himself back to face his mother's worried face. But he didn't flinch—or qualify his request. He simply waited, knowing she would honor her word. 

And finally, she did. She sighed first, putting her hand to his face again. "I'll speak to your father now if you wish. We can begin negotiations immediately."

Etan nodded, though it felt as if a block of ice slid down his spine. "Thank you. And… and if her parents are open to it, I would like to speak with her personally. Explain myself and why she's felt me… hold back before now. Make sure when you negotiate the contract that she is given weeks—months if she prefers—to spend time with us in Summitras to ensure that we are a match. I do not wish to trap her, Mother."

His mother nodded and Etan drew a deep breath again. "Thank you."

He thought she would leave then, but instead she continued staring at him. Etan made himself hold her gaze—she would be suspicious if he didn't.

"Borsche didn't know," she said plainly.

Etan blinked. "Know what?"

"About whatever has pushed you into this. Your reason for speed. Did he know it was Lady Sarya?"

Etan clenched his teeth and shook his head. "It has been a difficult couple of days," he said. "Borsche has… opinions and I felt like this was something I needed to address myself. As a man."

She tilted her head, still searching his eyes and he almost pushed her away. Almost lost his temper out of fear and demanded she leave him alone and go begin her work. But he couldn't. It wasn't her fault that she was perceptive enough to know that he wasn't in joy. She'd always warned him against his pragmatism in this area. Gratefully, he'd entered the Festival and this time in Zenithra insisting that he would choose a wife by whomever, or whatever would most benefit his people. She wouldn't be surprised, then, that he had made the decision in such a calculated manner. 

But she'd obviously caught wind that someone had lifted his heart. And that Sarya was not that woman. Because she stared at him now like she wanted to argue—like she wanted to warn him from this path. And yet… and yet there was relief there, as well.

Surely she hadn't actually learned of his attachment to Ayleth? Surely she would have said something if she had?

So he consented to her scrutiny for another long breath before she patted his face and finally looked away. "You are a man in your own right, now, Etan. You can rely on me to support you in that. But I hope you know, too, that if you need support, or an ear… I am always here for you."

He nodded, swallowing the pinch that appeared in his throat. "I know, Mother," he croaked.

Her brows drew together again, but she didn't hesitate. She turned from him, towards the door. "I will speak with your father now, before he meets with the other allied rulers this evening. He can approach her father tonight. And I will remember your request. You are both old enough and close enough to taking your thrones to have some say in this future you're choosing. Fear not. Even if your father balks initially, he'll see that too, once the shock has worn off."

"Shock? Why would he be shocked? I thought she was an approved alliance?"

His mother stopped mid-stride and after a moment turned to face him with a small, hesitant smile on her face. "She is," she said simply. "But I'll admit, I had been speaking with your father. I thought you were… pursuing, or at least had your eye caught by someone less suitable. And I had been asking him to ready himself to meet that. I was wrong, sorry. He will be relieved."

Etan's mouth dropped open as she gave a flat-lipped smile, then turned again and opened the door. "I love you, son. I'll send word this evening once your father has been made aware."

And then she was gone. 

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