Chapter 174 - Tell Me True

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ETAN

Sarya's gaze was hawkish and unguarded. This did not bode well.

"Very well," Etan said, uneasily. "What would you like to discuss?"

Her eyes shadowed for the first time and Etan waited. 

Sarya sighed. "We're finally out of that godforsaken castle. There's no more ears. And right now, here, where we are, everyone is busy. It's just you and me, Etan. There's no need to be careful with your words."

He narrowed his eyes, uncertain whether to feel heartened by this, or terrified. But before he could formulate the appropriate response, she continued. 

"I know about Ayleth," she said bluntly.

Etan went still and trained his face to expressionlessness. "I'm not sure—"

"There is no need to lie, Etan. And if you feel compelled to do so, perhaps you should just remain quiet instead. I came to tell you that you can stop worrying. I know. And can I tell you how glad and relieved I am that you didn't go through with it? It would have gotten you killed. I knew… I knew when you asked me, though I'll admit, I wasn't sure how deeply your heart was… engaged. I hoped…" her eyes drifted from his face for the first time and she frowned. "I'll admit that I hoped you were, perhaps just infatuated, and that it was little more than a small rebellion. Something you would overcome quickly. But after today it is obvious that… that you truly harbored feelings for her. And that…" she swallowed. "That is admirable."

Etan didn't move, didn't breathe—and definitely didn't respond.

Sarya licked her lips and her eyes returned to lock on his again. "I cannot feel good about being with you, knowing your heart belongs to another. But it's clear you've understood the right choice. That you know your Kingdom would suffer if you were to try to make that alliance. And you've chosen the good of your people. I admire that in you, Etan. It is the same decision I would make were I in your shoes. And so…. And so I followed you here to tell you that I know where your heart lies. That I will keep your secrets, and I will… I will hope and pray that with time, your heart—and your eyes—might be drawn to me. I am a patient woman, Etan. And you are a man of honor. I believe together we could rule with great success. So I will wait. And I will try not to push you. I just… I want you to know you can trust me. That I am on your side. That I am not going to feed you to any wolves. I want to be alongside you—even if I am not your first choice. I would… I would stand at your side with pride."

The declaration was so unexpected, and he worked so hard to train himself not to react, that it took a moment for the speech to sink in. But when it did, when he realized what she'd said…

His relief was palpable. She wasn't going to call the hounds on him. He didn't have to pretend to care for her when his heart was with Ayleth. And she was willing to stand alongside him, despite this betrayal of her heart.

Etan blinked and shook his head slightly. It was as if the world got smaller and his senses more heightened. Somewhere in the trees around them a small animal rustled, probably to flee a much larger, but silent predator. The birds began to sing in the branches. And the wind whispered past them. 

"Sarya," he breathed, stepping forward to take her hand. "You are… you are a stunning woman and friend. I am… I do not deserve such loyalty."

"I would tend to agree with you," she said softly, her lips twisting in a wry smile. "But then I asked myself how I would feel if I had found myself in your shoes and… and I would have wanted friends I could trust. And perhaps with time, that trust and gratitude might turn to something more…?"

Etan went still again, but he was still clasping her hand and he squeezed it, praying she would understand that he truly valued her, even if his heart was with not with her.

Then she looked down to where their hands clasped together, where his thumb lay overtop her fingers. "Do you think, Etan… that with time… your pain will fade?"

Etan's stomach dropped. "You are a… remarkable woman, Sarya," he said quietly, but felt himself soften as if he didn't have to carry so much tension, and he truly was grateful. "No matter what might happen between us, I will always admire your strength and be grateful to have had you alongside me during this time. I am… I do not deserve—"

Sarya suddenly clasped the back of his neck with her free hand and pulled him down. She took him by such surprise, their lips brushed before he jerked back. She opened her eyes and they stared at each other, Etan's head spinning. Hadn't she just said she understood? That she knew his heart was given to Ayleth?

The animal in the brush gave a tiny cry. There was a rustle, then nothing. The birds sang on, but Etan felt its death in the drop of his heart and the sudden, fierce conviction that he could not let himself relax. He could not allow himself to trust. That this woman was—

She pulled him in again and Etan turned away in time so that her lips only brushed his jaw. With a small shove of her arm, just enough to keep her from following him, he stepped out of her grip and shook his head.

"No, Sarya… I'm sorry… I cannot… take advantage of your good heart and spirit in that way. I will not… dishonor your body."

Sarya looked down, blushing, but when she lifted her eyes to meet his, they were alight. "I wouldn't mind, truly," she whispered. "We are to be married after all."

Etan took another step back, just to be safe. "I am thankful for your understanding. But… I think you should return to camp. I will join you there soon and we can share the evening meal together."

"But—"

"Sarya… I insist. I regard you too highly, and our situation is too precarious. Please… I am grateful. I'm glad we had this talk.. Please return to camp now."