Chapter 180 - Not My Kingdom

ETAN

"But I still cannot trust you."

Etan's jaw dropped. "You can't—what? Ayleth, you said you believed me. I was doing all of this to keep you safe!"

"I understand that. And I am relieved to hear it. Trust me, it is far better than if you had had your head turned by Sarya, or fled in fear. But… Etan, you didn't speak to me. You didn't even ask me. I could have told you that my mother would never end my life that way. That she would use that kind of pressure on you to manipulate you, rather than to harm me."

Etan shook his head. "I adore your love for your parents, and your defense of your family, Ayleth. But you didn't see her face. She hates me. She doesn't only wish to see my Kingdom defeated—she would have killed me herself if she thought she could get away with it. And the idea of you aligned with my family, strengthening my Kingdom… it sickened her."

"I have no doubt. I never hidden that my parents despise Summitras," she said calmly. "And I wish it weren't so—now more than ever. But that's not my point, Etan. You denied me any opportunity to speak into this. You denied me any opportunity to help."

"Because she might have killed you—or me—if she knew that we were still together. You get that don't you, Ayleth? That if she had even a hint that I was still secretly with you, that she would have done everything in her power to split us up? She told me if your father knew, he'd kill me. Because widows can still remarry."

Ayleth's throat bobbed. "I understand. I'm not saying it was without risk. But… You made the decision for me, based on a person you know to be manipulative, but dismissed any opportunity for me to influence them. You just… walked into this—walked both of us into this—without any warning or discussion with me. That is not the life that you led me to believe we would have. That is not the type of Kingdom you told me we would build. That is the type of Kingdom my parents rule."

Etan almost fell backwards in shock. His instinct was to get angry, to leap on her with his offence that she would equate his actions with her parents after what they'd just endured.

But a small voice in the back of his head cautioned him to listen. To think. To hesitate.

Was it possible she was right?

***** 

AYLETH

Ayleth could see the anger rise in Etan's chest, see the tightness in his face. He was fiercely offended by the claim, but to his credit, he didn't spew his anger on her as she might have expected. He held himself in check. And he didn't let her go. But the hand that had been flattened at her lower back suddenly curled into a fist. 

She watched, waiting for him to respond and she could see the emotions warring on his face as he tried to talk himself down, to deny her claim, but also to listen. Her love for him grew, seeing his battle with his own pride. 

"I have never intended… you were never in more jeopardy… Ayleth, I believed my actions could get you killed!" 

The horror that crossed his face at those words broke through to her. Misguided as it might have been, he really had been motivated by her safety.

"Oh, Etan," she breathed. "Doing the wrong thing for the right reason doesn't turn it into the right thing. It just means you have a good heart. And I already knew that."

He gaped like a fish. "But…"

"Can you imagine," she said simply, "If I had disappeared suddenly, just as you were about to announce our engagement. Then shown up on the arm of another man. Then just… left? Could you imagine how you'd feel if I hadn't told you why? If I thought—no matter what reason—that I had to hide that from you? Allow you to experience that pain… and when it was all about your parents?"

Etan opened his mouth, then closed it. Then opened it again. But his hold on her tightened. "I'm not saying it was easy, Ayleth. I'm not saying I didn't question—"

"Question harder next time."

He stared down at her and for a moment she was afraid she'd gone too far. That he would drop his arms and storm away. Go find Sarya who was apparently willing to applaud him for this shitshowing.

And in that moment she had to ask herself what she would do if he did. If he pulled away from her because she challenged his decision. 

Would she lose him over this?

No, she decided. She wouldn't. But she also would not turn away from what was right and true.

He should have spoken to her. In future, he should speak to her and let her measure the threat of anything that came their way. The only way she could trust his actions was if he was honest and didn't hide things.

So, she would not apologize for calling him to account for this. But she also would not reject him. He was a bold, beautiful, confident man—as she was a woman. Inevitably she would be the one to make the wrong decision at some point. And she would want him to love her anyway.

But her heart soared when his brow furrowed and he croaked, "Forgive me, Ayleth. Please, darling. Forgive me."

With a broken sob, she put a hand to his face and pulled him down. "Always. I will always forgive you, Etan," she whispered. "And please… forgive me, when it's my turn to make the wrong choice."

"I love you, Ayleth," he groaned, his fingers tightening at her back.

Dropping her head into his chest, she sighed. "I have missed you so, Etan. No matter what, I love you. No matter what, you are mine. I have missed you desperately." 

Finally, with a groan, his lips found hers and Ayleth's entire body trembled, tingling sparks dancing from behind her navel, throughout her body, making her shudder, as much with relief as thrill. When they broke apart, they embraced again, so tightly, some of Ayleth's fear was soothed.

Holding him… feeling the cut of his jaw in her palm, the strength of his shoulders, the iron grip of him around her waist… she wanted to weep with relief, and with joy. 

She was back. He was back. They were together. 

She prayed that after this, nothing would ever separate them again.