36 You Are My Present and My Future

July 17, 20xx

Delphi, Greece

*

He ambled to her side. His hand was clammy and cold so he shoved them in his pockets. It was his way of hiding his nervousness.

'Let it be a good thing' he prayed silently.

From her perspective, it came to mind he was agitated like her. Her legs were shaking but she's mustering all her strength to stay rooted.

When he was within grasp, Yan Shi reached out his arm and leaned, resting her head on his shoulder before pulling out one palm and let it intertwine with hers, rubbing the moist on it along the way.

The rolling of his Adam's apple was a sign he was holding back what's on bothering him.

"Are you okay?"

"Hmm," he sounded while his gaze was directed at the dark sky.

"How are you--really?" she enunciated the words as though she didn't believe his first answer.

"You really want to know?"

She nodded with an encouraging smile.

A low moan escaped his lips. He faced her and clasped her arms on each side while his brown eyes looked at her intently.

"I just wish, we didn't have that stupid contract between us. I wanted to say I love you every day. But every single time I attempt to, I can't."

She was silent and the heaviness of his sentiment was evident.

"Why?"

The moment she let it out, she hit her forehead with her palm for asking a stupid question.

"I am afraid. Okay? ----That you'll leave me. I ---don't know what I'm going to do if that happens. You matter so much to me."

The tremors in his voice and the intensity of each word hit her heart. He said everything in sincerity that she momentarily became aware of the restriction in her chest and tears sprang out.

Yan Shi shook her head. The last line of her defenses had faltered. She thought she can keep it to herself for another 2 days but she can't. It's unfair to him. She has to tell him how she feels.

Moistening her lips, she admitted, " I love you, Nick."

The words that were so difficult for her to say came out naturally.

"I can't believe how hard I've fallen for you. I thought the word itself was just an empty shell, without meaning. But meeting you ---- changed that in me. You showed me what it was really like to be loved. (sniff) Having you in my life makes me feel like everything's possible in this world. --- That I can conquer anything." she whimpered.

His mouth slightly opened with her confession and he was aware that every pore in his body is radiating happiness, utterly extinguishing those worries he had earlier.

He stared at her with blissfully and declared, "I love you more than anything else in the world, sweetheart. " Before hugging her like he was about to crush her bones.

Yan Shi sniffed on his shirt to wipe dry the happy tears and at the same time, listened to his racing heartbeats that were resonating hers. The air was filled with happiness and love.

She wanted to stay on like this but the things she wanted to say was far from over. She got away from his embrace and this time, she walked to the sofa. She needed to sit. There's that shakiness in her limbs and her hands tremble.

"But there's still one thing I need you to know Nick."

Her husband sat next to her and held her fingers, only to find they were cold.

"What's wrong?" he pressed nervously seeing her hunched posture.

This can't be that time when she says they can't be together because of some reasons.

With this thought, his heart started beating sluggishly in worry and in anticipation.

'Don't get ahead of yourself.' he reminded.

Without lifting her sight from the floorboard, she worded weakly "I am ill."

His brain stuttered for a moment before questioning, "What do you mean?"

She eyed him and in a tight lip told, "I have cancer."

The ambiance suddenly turned somber. There was a fleeting moment when his face was blank in confusion. It felt like his brain couldn't process the information fast enough that his eyes widened. Something in him froze. It brought back some memories years ago. When someone said the same thing to him and a few days later, that person died.

Feeling lost, he erected himself from the white sofa and in heavy footsteps he crossed the small distance to sliding door, leading to the starboard side.

She assumed he was going to exit the main saloon but he didn't. He stood in a stiff posture with his hands in his pocket and was staring past the vast ocean.

For the first time, she sensed coldness coming from his broad shoulders.

"How bad?" he asked with a strained voice. Now, he understood all her hesitation in the beginning.

She cleared her throat and spoke "Stage 2."

Li Jie had a sensation of his stomach churning and there was that urge to scream out that chocked feeling in his windpipe. But he knows this will scare her. For her to summon the courage to tell him her illness was already weighing upon her.

'Why is it happening for the second time?'

His mind was sent reeling, unable to comprehend everything. He thought it was unfair.

Holding back his emotions, he couldn't stop the looming tears and before he'll let this affect her, he walked away.

She sensed the time had stop and felt as if she was being asphyxiated. She slouched in a fetal position and cried her heart out. Her sobs reverberated inside that spacious parlor.

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**********

July 18, 20xx

Piraeus, Athens

Li Jie bolstered up his head with his elbow on the bed and watched his wife sleeping. Last night, when he finally subdued himself, he returned to the main saloon and caught a glimpse of her asleep in an uncomfortable position. His heart ached instantly.

Her panting was stable but on her face, there was an unhappy expression as though she was dreaming of something awful. With his index finger, he traced the line from her forehead down to her nose. Then, to her lips that were pursed.

Him too. There's that wretchedness inside him. But, he won't concede to it. Last night, he came to a decision, she matters the most. She needs him and he will stand next to her, no matter what. Even if she pushes him away.

Her eyes blinked when she smelled his aftershave. The first thing she'd seen was his lop-sided grin.

"Good morning,"

She inhaled softly and sat up.

"I am sorry." her voice was getting swallowed by the bellow of ferry horns that sounded too close.

He moved closer to her. "What are you apologizing for?"

"I should have told you in the beginning."

He nodded in agreement. That is true. If he'd known, they wouldn't have started this sailing journey at all. But, at the back of his mind, his wife is a doctor. So, she must have taken precautions already. Still, a part of him feels unsettled. He needed to know the extent of her illness and the treatments possible. He can't repeat the same mistake. And most importantly, he can't afford to lose her.

That's the reason why they docked ahead of schedule in the largest seaport in Greece and a car was already waiting to bring them to Metropolitan Hospital.

"It doesn't matter. What's important is I am aware of it now and I will be very clear on this. I will always be here for you." he promised while holding her hand and was gazing at her swollen face.

His statement made her let out a small intake of breath. She can't believe what she was hearing. In her previous job, she'd seen relationships break down and couples separate due to the sudden bout of illness.

When she became aware of her feelings for him, she dreads the time she will tell him. In the fear, he will leave her. But, it's the opposite of what she feared. He's willing to stay to her side.

Her face was flushed and shiny in elation. Unable to restrain her glee, she flung herself to him

At this moment, she felt she was the luckiest woman in the world.

***

After more than 10 minutes of hugging, she noticed his constant sighing.

She probed, "What's wrong?"

Li Jie took a deep breath before starting a painful story he'd forgotten until it resurfaced last night.

"When I was 19, I met Cecile. Back then, I was hanging out with the wrong crowd. Perhaps, I was rebelling against my father's control or it was peer pressure. But after meeting her, I turned to a new leaf. I went back to university and continued studying. Our relationship also evolved, from being friends to becoming my girlfriend."

He paused as if he was struggling for words to say.

"You don't have to say it."

But Li Jie shook his head in refusal. He went on. "A year after that, she disappeared for months. I searched for her everywhere for more than 3 months. I was desperate so I asked my grandparents help. A week later, we found her in a hospital in Florence."

He slumped on the headboard for cushion and his eyelids closed.

"I found out she was battling with cancer for more than 3 years. But due to poor family condition, she'd been missing treatments. By the time we located her, it was too late. Another three days passed, she died"

Although she wanted to say something, she just listened.

"I blamed myself for it. I wasn't discerning enough to realize that those frequent passing out and puking were a part of her symptoms. If I had been more attentive, she could have lived longer."

Yan Shi was at a loss of words. It's unbelievable that an easy-going person like him had experienced this kind of fate. In her case, her mother's death gave her too much trauma. She has many fears.

Her heart ached for him. Because at present, he's facing the same difficulty again.

"I am sorry." there was an impending teardrop forming on her puffed eyes.

"Don't. She was someone in my past." he said.

Yan Shi was silent.

Li Jie let her sit on his lap and enveloped her with his arms.

Then, his soft murmur was heard.

"But you are my present, my future and even in the afterlife, I will always be with you."

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