Chapter 46 - Run Away

I woke up early the next morning with  a strong urge and unbearable throw up.

I quickly slapped my hand over my mouth trying to keep my food down as desperately tried to untangle myself from my bed sheets.

My eyes felt as it they were being ripped from their sockets and both my intestines felt as if they were about to fall out of my mouth.

I thought I came face to face that morning to death as I twisted and turned trying to get the gagging and vomiting stop.

After giving the toilet all I got, I as gently as I could fell to the floor laying on my back desperately trying to catch my breath.

Tears rolled the side of my face freely as I laid there looking the ceiling trying to hold on for dear life.

Why did I eat all that junk?

My heart was beating so fast as I closed my eyes that I felt it in my throat, ears and head.

I felt weak and dizzy and was unable to move so I just laid there, once more alone on the cold floor of my bathroom.

Pregnancy was so hard and it had me second guessing if I could really do this or if I was just overestimating myself and my abilities.

They have compared fetus to parasites and honestly I can see why they say that now.

It lives inside my body causing discomfort and feeding off of my every fiber.

I wish it were the men that carried the child, but even if it were so would I have a man?

I sighed at myself rubbing my eyes for I was blowing things out of proportion for he doesn't even know about the baby yet and he just might be accepting and actually play a role.

I was still scared to tell him though or any one for that matter.

"I think I might just post myself as missing and flee the country and then no one will know about how much of a screw up I am" the drama queen part of me suggested and honestly, I was kind of sort of thinking about it.

No.

That was too much.

I will tell them all soon when the time is right. 

The time could be when they are already 3 years old but who am I to have a say about the universe's plans?

I had been laying on the floor for a while when my stomach started to grumble demanding I replace everything that it just put me through hell to get rid of.

I said and groaned as I rubbed my empty stomach silently willing it to stay quiet but it was too stubborn and seemed to have a mind of its own for it kept going.

I groaned as I literally peeled myself off the ground to make my way to the face basin to check the degree of the disaster that was my face.

Yup!

I was a total mess.

My eyes held as much life as a dead fish's eyes and I looked as if I was cast member of Michael Jackson's Thriller.

I looked scary, like real scary.

I had to steer at myself really hard to make sure that it was really me who I saw.

I still felt as if my eyes were deceiving me so I slowly raised both my hands, outstretching them to touch the girl that I saw in the mirror.

Just last night I looked healthy and felt well but now I felt as if I was a zombie.

Harin's words from last night started to ring in my ear and I felt the familiar feeling of bile rising up from my stomach.

"You've gained weight" kept ringing in my head as I threw up saliva and mucus seeing as it were the only things left in my body.

I felt disgusted at myself and wanted nothing more than to just curl up in my bed and maybe even die.

I couldn't bear to look at myself this time around so I just quickly washed my face and brushed my teeth without giving a single glance at the Atalia that was in the mirror.

For a few seconds I contemplated taking a shower but a quick sniff to my armpits made me decide to put it off till later.

I sighed as I exited the bathroom looking over to the crumpled mess of my bed fighting the urge to not just crawl in and starve myself for the whole day like a used to do.

My eating disorder is another aspect of my life which I was not willing to talk about, not even to my mom.

I wanted to put it all behind me for their was no use in opening up new wounds.

I couldn't be selfish and think only about myself right now.

That would harm the baby and I would feel even worse if I was to be cause if something bad happens to them.

I mentally went over a list of possible breakfast items that I could eat, but they all triggered my nausea.

I went to the kitchen opening the cupboards and refrigerator to scan my options.

Nothing seemed to appease me until I remembered the list of foods that the doctor had suggested but I had not even one of those things in stock so I decided to make a quick trip down to the convenience store.

I went to my room and took out a pair of black baggy sweats and a black oversized hoodie that belonged to my eldest brother.

I grabbed my keys and purse then slid my feet into slippers before leaving the empty apartment or I think it was empty.

I checked the time on my phone as I entered the elevator and saw that it was only 8:30 am on a Sunday but the street was already fairly busy.

I pulled the hood over my head as I made my way down the block, around the corner and through the alley to the nearest convenient store.

I had only about $20 left from my months allowance so I was kind of nervous when I stepped into the store afraid that my money wouldn't be enough.

I did a silent prayer as I took from the fridge a small pack of cheese sticks and salty crackers from the snack aisle.

I was making my way up to the cashier when something caught my eye.

'Abortion pills: Plan B:

I stopped dead in my tracks as my arms and legs itched to get a better view just out of curiosity.

My trembling hands took up one of the boxes as I read the purpose of these pills, "Plan B pills to get rid of or stop unwanted pregnancy. This medication is a three step process that must be followed as outlined in the instructions after contacting your doctor or nurse or physician. Warning will cause severe cramps and bleeding. This pill has not been legalized in the Republic of Korea. Use at your own risk.."

I felt simply and utterly mortified after I finished reading the box.

I didn't even know that you could easily find Plan Bs in a pharmacy, especially since it is not legalized here.

I gently placed the box of pills back in its rightful place as I out of habit began to bite my finger nails off.

I wasn't seriously considering this was I?

No.

I was simply just curious.

I would never do such a thing, no offense to those who do it but it wasn't for me.

I know carrying this baby so far hasn't been easy but I wasn't about to do something drastic while still in shock and trying to wrap my head around this all.

To be totally honest, when I woke up this morning I wished that it was a dream and when I went to bed last night I prayed that that yesterday was just a nightmare.

A terrible terrible nightmare.

I would often close my eyes counting to three for the nightmare to just end but it didn't.

It was only my second day of finding out that I was pregnant so I had a whole 9 months ahead of me, 9 months which I was not looking forward for.

It is true yes that the nausea will end after the first trimester but what about the second and third one when my stomach will grow and I will be eating more?

I will be graduating college soon and with that my my monthly allowance and living privilege will be revoked.

I couldn't handle living in a small space jobless with just me and my baby but I couldn't go back home with a baby after my family had such high hopes for me.

There were no options that seemed to be in my favor and living with Shiwoo was not one of them.

I had already caused a lot of trouble in his life and I wouldn't want to be seen as  burden.

If he accepts the baby then fine, he can be in its life but as far as I am concerned we are neither friends nor partners.

We are co parents and co parents  we will be when the baby is born....as soon as I tell him about their existence.

Dear God help me.