Chapter 95 - Regret

"It's all my fault. I should have been there." was all I could think as I watched her casket through tears be lowered into the ground.

She has been asking to see e for the past three months and every time I would tell her that I was busy.

I will never forget how she took me in and treated me like family, but at the time when she needed me most I was no wear in sight.

I dropped to my knees as they began to through dirt on her casket and I cried feeling guilt and regret.

She had helped me so much in life so the least I could have done was giver her a beautiful funeral for she had no real family and I didn't want her to die alone.

She died on June 10, 2016, only a month before Heesung's birthday and we were in the process of planning and our firm has been growing and life was good.

Miss Knag was sick and she had hid it from me, but I guess during those three months of her contacting me she must have wanted to tell me.

My chest ached as I thought of that at the grave side and I held it as the rain began to fall.

Her death really hit me hard and I couldn't have stopped myself from crying these past week and found it hard to prepare for her funeral, but thankfully I had my two friends who were with me all the way.

I sent Miss Kang gifts and money every other week as a thank you for everything since I was always so busy, but now I regret not driving by and giving her a hug one last time.

Since she had no family we had no idea what to do with her stuff so we just kept the ones she held dear and donated the rest.

I had been crying in the rain for while as the water hit my back soaking through my clothes when I didn't feel the water anymore and I looked up to see Minjae holding an umbrella over my head.

He handed me a handkerchief and I took it wiping my snot before he helped me to my feet.

"You're right," I said sniffling, "I should have just said goodbye to the homestead. How did you know that I was coming here?"

"Well you did ran out after the casket and followed the hearse so I figured that you might be here." he said as he gave me his jacket for I was freezing and shaking.

"Yeah well it's the Jamaican in me. I have to see off the deceased until they are in the ground. It's kind of like our idea of closure. I usually feel better after. If this were Jamaican we would march behind the casket to the grave side singing songs as the cheerleaders dance and the trumpeters and drummers do their thing." I said chuckling.

I had been to too many funerals growing up and I hated them all.

There was a time when people would say that my family was cursed because we would often have new deaths.

Here in Korean culture when a person dies the funeral is held in the hospital or homestead and they put up a picture and light candles and bow to show their respect.

We did do all of that, but I found it my responsibility to see her off until she was six feet under.

"Yeah I know. You okay now?" he asked as he walked me to my car and I opened the door getting in.

I thought about it for a while and I really did feel better, "yeah I guess. Race yah back to the homestead?"

"Be careful" he said smiling before closing my door and got in his car.

I took one more glance at where Miss Knag lied and said a silent prayer praying that she would rest in piece.

I drove off before Minjae and we were on our back to pick up Lia and the kids.

It was quite sad and depressing at our table apart from the kids giggling as we sat at the restaurant having a meal.

Lia stretched her hand over the table and held mine as she noticed me playing with my soup, "it'll be okay my love. Were her."

I smiled at her as she gave my hand a gentle squeeze before getting back to feeding Heesung.

I decided to brighten my mood for I was really killing the vibe of the table and engaged with talking to my babies.

More than half of the things that they  were saying were gibberish, but I listened intently nodding my head as if we were talking about politics or a huge case.

Minjae and Lia laughed at us as they took videos of our conversation.

Heesung and Adrian laughed at me and Adriel as we spoke and I think that I might have said something wrong in baby English for Adrian pointed at me dying of laughter.

Little Miss Adriel was so stressed out after she finished her debate and I laughed at her not knowing what to say or even what she had said and she began to scream for I had insulted in baby language I don't know.

We luckily got her to calm down by placing a drum stick in her mouth and that was all for the debate I guess.

I sighed as I smiled at the kids as they started chartering amongst themselves completely ignoring us so we just did the same and engaged in talking.

I rarely ever spoke English when with Minjae since he barely knew a word, but I would say sentences in English around Lia sometimes she knows a few words and her accent was cute.

The mood of the day has lifted and was not as depressing as it was thus morning for their was no use in spending so much time regretting what you could have done with somebody that you have lost when you can start doing those things with the people you do have.