83 Ji Er's First Love

[Do you really feel nothing for me anymore?] A tear flowed from her crystal clear eyes. He was getting further and further away from her. If she didn't do anything this very moment, she might not have this chance ever again.

These past months, did he not know how hard it was for her?

[Hou Lei, how can you not know my heart? Do you really think you are the only who is pained? I too am in pain.] Ji Er thought that she had finally hardened her heart but the moment she saw him, everything she worked so hard to forget suddenly seemed useless.

Ji Er threw away every ounce of pride she had and ran towards him. Her thin arms wrapped themselves around his waist. She locked her hands together, afraid that he would try to escape. Hou Lei felt as Ji Er placed her head on his back. The feeling of being this intimate with her, he had forgotten how nice this feeling was.

Hou Lei slowly reached for her hands. When his hands touched hers, he did not have the heart to break free. Maybe it was because he too didn't want her to let go. If only time stood at this very moment. He would be happy to relive this moment even if it happened a million times. He would never grow tired of her.

Hou Lei took a deep breath with his eyes closed. The memory of him and Ji Er in their youth under the willow tree came to him. It was that year he turned 16 that he promised to make her his wife. He had placed a ring he made with dandelion flowers on her finger. He remembered it like yesterday. But that same memory was the same one that pained him. Because it was also her who chose to leave him.

That sweet memory was quickly replaced with memories filled with Pei Nan. The amount of gratitude he owed Pei Nan was too much. When Hou Lei was still a nobody, it was Pei Nan who encouraged and supported him until now. He was the royal advisor to Prince Nan and the emperor because of Pei Nan's trust and confidence in him. So how could he betray not just the prince but a friend over one girl.

"Lei ge'ge, I was wrong. I was the one who made the mistake. Whatever you want me to do, I will do. Just don't act this way towards me. Don't hate me, okay?" Ji Er sobbed.

Even if his heart was unwilling, Hou Lei had no choice but to break apart the lock Ji Er formed with her hands. "Ji Er~ This will be the last time I call you Ji Er. I have never hated you. But now we walk on different paths of life. I cannot treat you the same as before. I hope you understand and treat Pei Nan well in the future."

Little did the two know that Yu Mei was hiding behind a tree spying on them. She couldn't hear anything but judging by their actions, Yu Mei could confirm that the two had history.

That night Yu Mei came over to Ji Er's palace. She needed to know. Her curiosity was getting the better of her. Not just that but because she truly cared for Ji Er. She couldn't let her friend stay this way.

When she saw Ji Er, she looked even more pale and soulless than last nights encounter.

"Yu Mei, I'm glad you are here. I could use a friend to drink with." Ji Er said cheerfully. She was sitting in front of a mirror as her maid helped her take off the hair accessories.

"Sister Ji Er drinks?" Yu Mei tried to act as if she didn't find out her big secret.

"The moon is so beautiful today. It's a perfect day to have some wine."

***

It was a full moon on this night. Under the willow tree sat Yu Mei and Ji Er as they watched the stars twinkle alongside the clear moon. Ji Er was too preoccupied to realize she was already on her fifth cup. Yu Mei put her hand on top of Ji Er to stop her. "Sister Ji Er, is something bothering you?"

Ji Er paused for a moment. "You saw us this afternoon, didn't you?"

"I didn't mean to. I'm sorry." Yu Mei sincerely apologized. She had originally come over in the afternoon to cheer Ji Er up but when Ji Er was acting all sneaky and suspicious, Yu Mei followed. "How did you find out?"

"I dropped my pendant and came back. I saw you leaving that area. I assumed you found out about Hou Lei and I." Ji Er was not mad or upset that Yu Mei found out. After all, this was Yu Mei. She knew her personality well enough to trust that her secret wouldn't be exposed.

Ji Er sighed. Her body naturally leaned on the tree. "Lei ge'ge was my first love. Both our family has known each other for a long time. Lei ge'ge was 13 when he returned to the Lei family's estate. He had been learning martial arts at a far away academy since young. When I first saw him that year he came back, he was the grumpiest kid I knew. He was tough, acted like an adult and didn't believe in smiling. He said It was a sign of weakness." She chuckled."Maybe that's why I was so drawn to him. I remember forcing myself to cry every time I saw him. I told him that he was scary when he wasn't smiling. That was the only way he would smile."

When Ji Er spoke of him, her eyes were filled with nothing but liveliness.This made Yu Mei even more confused. If Ji Er was in love with Hou Lei, why did she marry Pei Nan.

Yu Mei leaned next to Ji Er. "Sister Ji Er, if you loved Hou Lei, why did you marry Pei Nan? Why would you ask me to help you bear Pei Nan's child?" Yu Mei tried to understand. But nothing was making sense.

"Some things are better left unsaid. When the time is right, I will tell you."

Yu Mei did not ask her more about Pei Nan. For Ji Er to hide it meant that it was something she really didn't want to speak of. Instead she held tightly onto Ji Er's hand for support. "No matter what, you have decided to marry Pei Nan. There is no turning back. It's best to forget about Hou Lei."

"I know. It was my choice to marry Pei Nan yet I am being unfair to Hou Lei. I am selfish. I know I shouldn't be looking for him but I can't bear to be apart from him." She sighed. "Truthfully I don't blame him for being indifferent. It was me who betrayed him..."

***

After having a heart to heart conversation with Ji Er, Yu Mei felt even worst. To not be able to marry the person you love was truly heaven's cruel joke. Just based on what Ji Er said, Yu Mei had a hunch that Ji Er may not have been willing to marry Pei Nan to begin with. The more she thought about it, the more she wanted to know. She felt so helpless towards Ji Er's problems.

She returned to her room even more frustrated than before.