Chapter 40.1

Chapter 40 – Part 1

But now, I feel that I’ve become a realist. Hope was sweet, but the end of it was inevitably bitter. Now that I know this truth, I couldn’t be the same as I was before.

However, what was the point in me explaining this to others?

In any case… I caught a glimpse in advance of him regaining his memories—at the time that he stayed up all night to nurse me back to health.

It was only a flash of a moment, but that was definitely the old Theodore.

Cold and hard-hearted. To me.

When that happened, I was surprised and confused. But now, my thoughts have become organized.

A misunderstanding between us? There might not even be such a thing in the first place.

And Theodore, once his memories would return, would likely forget about all the things that happened so far while his memories were gone.

Hadn’t I already seen it? His eyes, staring ever so coldly at me again.

The signs were beginning to show, so it might not be long before then…

So, I couldn’t afford to get swayed by his ephemeral kindness… It’s something that I could and would never be able to have for myself.

In just a little while longer, my cold, harsh reality shall dawn upon me once more.

As soon as we returned to my room, I talked to Jane. Her findings on the supposition that I was barren were as follows.

“…There is a possibility that the sleeping pills you’ve been taking before were toxic enough to cause such side effects, but definitely not infertility. That’s what I wrote in your medical records, Madam…”

Jane clasped the folder in both her arms. She looked very relieved to have safely recovered the file.

Looking cautiously between me and Theodore, Jane asked.

“I truly apologize to ask you this question, but have Your Graces been active…?”

“……”

“……”

There was a long, heavy silence.

Gleaning the answer with just that, Jane nodded hastily.

“The only way to test whether the Madam is truly barren is to borrow the medical technology from an academy in the capital. But before that, between you two… For a year, perhaps… if you regularly engage in an active relationship… We can observe from there, and it wouldn’t be too late to see if a baby will come or not during this period of time.”

Jane spoke slowly, flustered while explaining this part.

In turn, I answered with a customary smile. I should just end this conversation quickly.

“I see. Doctor Thorpe, thank you for your hard work.”

“No, Madam. I should have kept your medical record better… It’s my fault. From now on, I shall carry your files with me wherever I go, Madam.”

…I don’t believe it’s necessary to go that far, but Jane looked entirely serious about it right now. All I could do was nod and smile back.

I wondered if the conversation would end with that already, but Jane hurriedly added before she left the room.

“Oh, and, um… I would appreciate it if, in the future, you could let me know the dates that Your Graces share a bed… I would need to record it for the sake of observing the Madam’s health.”

She was very flustered again this time. Considering that she was a gynecologist, perhaps this was just her personality.

I answered with a fake smile again.

“Alright.”

“Yes, then… Please rest well. I shall be on my way.”

And finally, Jane left the room.

I erased the smile on my face. I took my time looking back to face Theodore again, but he… coughed dryly while his face was so obviously red.

“……”

“…Um, should we… try pretending to share a bed? Just so that the servants won’t have any rumors to spread… What do you think, Lily?”

…It’s true that it’s better to do that so Missus Seymour wouldn’t be able to bring up my infertility anymore.

But I did not want to do that. Without fail, a sense of repulsion came up. And it was a feeling that was stemming from fear.

I did not want to get close to him in any way at all. Be it physically or mentally. When the distance between us would narrow, it’d only be easier for me to be affected because that’s just how human nature was.

“I’ll think about it.”

I answer vaguely.

Theodore seemed to be under the strong impression that he would never abandon me. But everything would change the moment his memories came back.

No, not change. Everything would return to how it originally was.

For something so bittersweet… there’s no reason to foster it. There’s no reason to do that.

‘I wasn’t even expecting anything in the first place.’

I faced Theodore calmly. And pretending not to notice the look in his eyes, as if there were so many things he wanted to say, I said.

“I wish to rest now. And Your Grace will have to get back to work soon…”

“Ah… yes. Then, I’ll come back to see you again later… my dear.”

He continued to insist on calling me ‘my dear’. Maybe it’s because he’s bothered by the formal way that I kept calling him ‘Your Grace’.

But, without missing a beat, I pretended once more not to notice.

“Go ahead. Then, see you.”

“……”

I was about to turn away, but before I could, Theodore carefully took my hand.

Frowning, I halted in place. Theodore lowered his head slowly. A soft, warm touch came over the back of my hand.

“……”

His lips opened slightly as he looked up at me. There was a strong light in his eyes, as if there were blazing flames behind them.

“…You are my wife, Lily.”

“……”

“I know how anxious you are around me, and that you don’t trust me. But… not in the least do I have the intention to sever the relationship we have between us.”

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