Chapter 402 - The Beautiful Side

"Poking through people's personal belongings is a surefire way to get kicked out of their place, you know?" 

I looked up, and Amanda was looming over with a smile, as well as two drinks held in both hands. 

"Most people would have asked for the Wi-Fi password to pass the time," She continued, her voice dripping with as much sarcasm as the glasses in her hands were condensation. "But I guess that's just too drab and boring a time-waster for someone like you, huh?" 

"Oh no, I - " I tried to close the book at once, apology at the ready, only for her to stop me with a single glance. 

"It's fine," She said, placing both drinks on the coffee table, before taking an empty spot by my side. "With you, there's nothing I got hidden. There are no secrets. In a way, you could say I'm an open book… get it?" 

Jokes like those, I'd kick my ass out the door myself without hesitation, except now I was too busy having been stuck frozen in a position of wanting to read more of the book but also feeling so immoral having her eyes on me as I do. 

What do I do?

Amanda scooted closer, leaning her head so far left, she was practically resting herself on my shoulder. I still had the book flipped open to the page with the drawing of herself in it - something she undoubtedly noticed right away.

"I looked really ugly here, don't you think?" She remarked, glancing up at me as if any moment I was about to nod my head and agree.

In actuality, I thought otherwise.

"You look really sad."

To my surprise, it was she that was nodding instead. "Exactly. It's ugly. I look ugly." 

"Then why did you draw yourself so ugly?" 

"Because I felt ugly, simple as that," She explained… simple as that. "You saw… didn't you? My dreams, my ambitions. I like doing what I do, learning what I'm learning… but there was a time where I didn't. There was a moment where I just stopped caring about everything for some reason."

"And what reason is that?"

"You know, I'm not exactly sure…" I heard her loudly sigh, and I felt her weight on my shoulder, even more, her long blonde hair draping over my body. "I guess everything just kinda lost its meaning… have you ever felt like that? You wake up one day and you don't even know why you're doing what you're doing. You become a zombie, expect you're aware of it… and you don't really have any incentive to try and snap out of it." 

I stared at the drawing again. So that's what it was, the look in her eyes, it was nothing… there was nothing. No light, no glow, I don't think I've ever seen her like this before, in the pencil hue of grey and gloom, and I don't think I ever want to either. 

"But you're not like that now," I said, unsure of what else I could say.

That made her scoff, made her chuckle, I could almost hear the roll of her eyes too. "Really? What gave that away, I wonder?" 

"I just never could have imagined you being - "

"Ugly?" She looked up at me again, slowly batting her eyes. "I suppose so, but the truth is, everyone feels ugly sometimes, don't they? I'm sure even you too…" 

"I guess."

"It's normal to feel ugly."

"But you shouldn't have to." 

"Doesn't mean I couldn't," She replied. "Things just lose their meaning, and you lose the why and what for. I feel ungrateful for saying it, considering everything I have going for me, and everything everyone has done for me - but you just get tired, you know? Life in general… sometimes it felt like I was only living for the sake of living. It's like, what's the point?" 

Nothing to hide, no secrets… true to her words, she really was a wide-open book. The things she was saying, she was the last person I ever thought I'd hear these words from.

I always thought I had a knack for reading people, listening to what they're saying, but hearing what they weren't… but Amanda's got me beat, I never knew, I never noticed. Why didn't I notice?

Has she always felt like this?

"Oh, look at that face there," She was looking at me again. "Too open? Sorry, I made you uncomfortable. I didn't mean to do that. This is why I try not to say anything… I don't like anybody making that face. But I'm over it, see? I don't think like that anymore."

For now, at least...

"No, Amanda, I don't care," I told her, shaking my head. "Keep talking to me about it. Keep bothering me about it. If you ever feel like this again, tell me… please tell me." 

There was a little murmur, a little pause, and then, "You really don't have to…"

"I want to," I firmly said. 

She smiled at that. That gentle, tender smile on her face that looked impossible to replicate on paper. "Aww, aren't you sweet? You should watch what you say, I'll hold you to it, you know?"

"Isn't it a boyfriend's job to make his girlfriend the happiest in the world?" I said.

"Oh, you silly, silly, dense, little…" 

Amanda gave a faint chuckle, and with a soft flutter, I watched her slowly turn the page forward. There was another drawing, the largest, most detailed one yet, taking up both pages completely. It was me, it was her, it was us on our first meeting, the sway of the flowers, the looming clouds hanging in the sky. 

"You see?" Amanda said softly. "Look at that girl over there, doesn't she already look like the happiest girl in the world?" 

It was exactly how I remembered it, the bewildered look I have looking up at her, and the beautiful smile on her face looking back at me, her eyes glowing so bright. 

"How come?"

"Well, if I have to wager a guess…" At the same time, we locked eyes, mine on hers, hers on mine, life imitating art. "She met you…" 

Me. It's what she said, what she meant, but for some reason, I just couldn't accept it. I don't know, it didn't  feel like I did anything. This high, looming pedestal she had placed me on, just where on Earth was she getting it?

"You're making another face again," She said, pulling me from my thoughts with a light boop on the nose from her finger. "I know, I get it, too cheesy and cliche an answer to be real, right? 

"Well," I gave a half-hearted shrug. "It's flattering, I guess." 

"Still it's a cliche for a reason," Once more, she let her fingers rifle through the pages. "That's because cliches' work." 

Then another page, then another… one page after the other, sketches after sketches of all sorts of things, each one teeming with color and vigor like no other. I could feel the effort she poured into every etch, every trace, the way she composed every line. 

There were illustrations of all kinds in every different setting you can think of, except her inspiration looked a little too on the nose. There was one of a familiar Elf standing dignified on guard, another of a Vampire huddled in a corner, a stern-looking woman with her hair in a bun, elbows atop a table.

And then there's me… and there's me again… oh, another me… wait, that's me also… me, me, me… in so many numerous situations, in many various poses. Amanda seriously had a keen eye for the most minute of details. 

She got the many intricate stripes on jester me's clothes just right, the panic on my face avoiding the puddles of ink and droplets of paint being thrown at me, the stance I used gripping both sword and shield.

How I kissed her, the way I held her close on the bench, in my arms. I've never seen a drawing convey the feelings and emotions of the artist so strongly before. 

"You work for me," Amanda said, so simply, so lovingly. "You may not think so, but I know so." 

I didn't have anything to say. There was no sequence of letters in any language that I could possibly string together that could even come close to how much her words were resonating within me. 

Instead, I tried to express what I was feeling inside with a smile - I didn't think it came close either, but when she smiled back, I knew she understood enough.

I turned to the next page on my own, and I… wait…

Is that a tux? Is that someone wearing a tuxedo? No wait, forget the tux, is that girl there wearing a bridal gown? Are those church bells? Is that a pew? Hold on, Is this a weddi - 

"No! Stop!" Amanda immediately rose up, seizing the book from my hands, shutting it close, and holding it even closer, red in the face, and panic in her eyes. "Y-You weren't supposed to see that one. That's, that's private." 

Oh-ho-ho… Merry Christmas.

"Private?" I raised a brow. "I thought you said there was nothing private when it came to us." 

"Except that one!" 

"Only that one?" I asked. "So there's only the one, huh?"

Amanda didn't answer that, thus inadvertently actually answering that.

"Or maybe not," I gave her a little leer. "Are there some other drawings you'd rather keep private too?"

"Well…" 

"What kind of drawings?" 

Somehow, she got even redder. "I… look… you - ! Argh, let's just have dinner already, please?!"  and with that, she marched back into the kitchen… not even bothering to take a sip of her drink before she went.

Looks like I'm drinking for two.

Cheers, Amanda.