Chapter 508 - Beyond Enough, Part 1

If there was one thing I won't deny about myself was the fact that I wasn't easy to dissuade. Sometimes it even borders to the extent of psychotic, at how firm and resolved I was to die on the hill I'd choose to stand on.

That being said, this predicament, this hill I was on, had a rather slippery peak… and every second it was getting harder and harder to keep my balance on top of it, trying not to slip. Because after this long of repeating the same pattern of failure over and over again for hours on end… well, even I can only get so stubborn. 

When Ash eventually returned and found me sprawled out on my back from another failed attempt, she did more than just hand me a glass of water, she went out of her way to prepare a small meal too, an extra bit of supplement made just for me. 

I wish I could tell her that I had enjoyed it. Just from a single glance, I knew she took great care to make it perfect. But I couldn't. I ate it, silently, quickly, no time to savor every bite, I just ate it out of necessity - hell, I couldn't even taste it, smell it. 

Every swallow, every chew was just that same constant throbbing, skewering pain pulsating throughout my body. 

Y'know, If it weren't for her presence, if she hadn't been here with me for every step of the way… I don't think I would have had it in me to make it this far on my own.

I would probably have done as Mom had suggested it…

But it was her faith, Adalia's and Irene's too, they were the only things spurring me forward towards this seemingly unreachable finish line.

And yet, all the same, that made failing an even more regretful prospect in my eyes.

Then, just as things couldn't have gotten any more dour, as I sat there at the porch steps, glass in hand, the wind blew at me a strong damp breeze, and I felt a torrent of cold droplets pester my eyes.

It began to rain like Ash had predicted this morning, and within seconds of starting, had turned into a raging downpour that flashed and rumbled the dark, gray skies.

And I'm supposed to somehow attune my focus in these conditions, huh?

I couldn't even react properly, there was no despair, frustration, it was just simple acceptance for me… 

On the other hand, between the both of us, Ash appeared a little more concerned… watching beside me as the dirt turned to mud, as puddles formed in the grass, ears twitching in sync with the relentless patter on the roof.

She threw me a glance, and I was so sure I was about to hear her offer more words of encouragement…

"Master," Her ears twitched once again, and that's when I realized that it wasn't the rain that she was hearing. "Your phone is ringing."

"Oh… right…" 

I didn't even hear it, and I quickly reached down, fumbling around a bit due to a lack of coordination, I managed a firm grip - finally answering after a few unsuccessful swipes across the screen.

Didn't even check who it was first… I just immediately pressed it against my ear, dazed, murmuring, "Hello?"

"Hello, he greets," chimed in a familiar soft voice. "As if having no clue who he is speaking to. Well, do you?"

I do now.

"Amanda…"

"The one and only," She replied cheekily. "Would have called much, much earlier like yesterday, but due to various unforeseen circumstances, we'll just say I got held up, alright? But you know me, can't go a day without hearing your voice… mmm, like dopamine to the ears."

If I didn't already feel terrible enough already, now I'm supposed to tell her what precisely? That I wasn't in the mood to talk at the moment? 

"Yeah, Amanda, listen…" I began to say, swallowing a lump of needles down my throat. "I can't exactly talk right now, this isn't exactly the perfect time…"

"Really now?" She interjected, the smile audible in her tone. "Because from the sound of it, I don't think I could have come in at a more perfect time."

When I didn't reply, she took that as a cue to further elaborate a little more.

"Samantha gave me a call earlier today. Spent a good long hour venting out her frustrations. She's worried sick over her darling big brother, you know? And after hearing what she had to say… obviously, so am I."

I blinked, a splash in the breeze breaking me out of my silence. "You know."

"Mmm, yeah, look, I know you're kinda new to this whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing…" She said. "But if you're about to risk life and limb again for some heroic cause, word of advice, letting me know beforehand would have been nice."

"I'm sorry…"

"No, no, I'm not blaming you! I'm not upset! Don't worry," She quickly reassured me. "I get it, okay? It's not exactly the kind of thing you can just casually drop on me. You won't want me tossing and turning in the night, tugging my hair out in the day. I can be kinda dramatic, yeah…"

All the same, you would have wanted to know anyway," I quietly muttered. "I should have told you."

"Eh, ancient history," Amanda brushed it to the side. "More importantly, have you found any success yet? Breaking magical barriers, I've no experience in it, but from what I've heard, it can be quite an ordeal… and a painful one at that."

"You don't know the half of it." 

"So tell me about it," In the background, I could hear shift about it. "But make it quick, I know you don't exactly have a lot of time, do you?"

"I'm trying, it's failing, it's frustrating, and I don't…" Briefly, fleetingly, I caught Ash's eyes. I dropped my gaze, looked away. "I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to pull this off in time…" 

"Hmm? That's not what you were saying before when you left," She remarked, growing a little quiet. "That confidence, that certainty, I'm not hearing it anymore." 

I hard to restrain myself from saying 'yes', I didn't want to admit it to myself. Not just yet.

"But you never needed any of that to keep going on. I hear thunder, I hear rain over there, and if you're still that same stubborn that I know, you're just about ready to get soaked trying again, aren't you?"

"It doesn't matter how stubborn I am, Amanda. If I can't do it, then I can't do it." 

"But you - "

"Yes, I'm going to do it," I cut her off. "All the same, regardless, I'm doing this still. I'm just saying… it's just, y'know, I… I don't know… I don't know what I'm saying…" 

"I know," She replied. "I hear you." 

I don't know what it is. Was it because she wasn't here? Was it because I didn't have to look into her eyes when I say the things I'm saying? My fears, my worries, they all suddenly could just slip out of me so easily. I didn't have to bury them beneath a smile, drown them out with resolves and resolutes. 

Right now, right here, with her… I could just let them all out. 

"I think I've gotten complacent, maybe," I confessed, staring out into the rain, leaning defeated against the porch beams. "Curing Adalia, summoning Sera, getting rid of the Blight - what's tearing apart a barrier and saving a man's life compared to those, huh? Maybe I'm in over my head here…" 

"Yeah, maybe you are," She responded back bluntly. "Or, on the other hand, I think maybe you're just scared is all." 

"Scared," I repeated. "Of failing? Of course, I am. If I don't do this, then - "

"No, not failing," She immediately interrupted. "I think you're scared of succeeding." 

What…

"What?"

"More specifically," Amanda continued on. "You're scared of what succeeding would entail for you, you know? What it would take for you to achieve it… that maybe it might take more than you're actually willing to give up." 

I didn't bother speaking just yet, I just listened… somehow, some way, her words making sense.

"Remember back when you first summoned Sera? I asked you - if you dying is what it meant to get rid of the Blight. You didn't answer the question before, but deep in your heart, I knew you would have said yes. Heck, you were already prepared to give your all just summoning her here." 

"What's your point?" I asked, my voice a blank, flat tone.

"My point is - I think your answer to that question might have changed as of late. Right now, when you're doing whatever it is you're doing, you aren't doing it with that same answer in mind. You aren't giving it your everything, not exactly - you're too scared to. 'Cause now you have so much to live for, don't you? Too many people upset to see you gone, too many people that care for you, and you to them. Hence… when you're giving it your all over there, maybe subconsciously… you aren't doing enough." 

Aren't doing enough…

There's that phrase again. Those annoying, infuriating three words. But whereas before I couldn't quite get it… this time, when put in that context - it made sense.

I understand. 

Amanda made sense.