Chapter 74 - An Absolutely Hypothetical Situation

The rush of being late replaced the emotions and dilemmas left by JJ in my head, but only until I got to my friends. Then there was only so much I could do to even keep track of the conversation. My thoughts couldn't help but return to his words and the conclusions I pulled from them.

There was just no good solution. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, and in this situation I wasn't even sure do what exactly.

"You seem awfully sombre today, girlfriend." Rita's voice pulled me out of my thoughts. Her round eye focused at me unblinkingly, and there was obvious concern in the furrow of her brows. "It's not because of something specific I had said, no? I sure hope not… I really didn't mean it that way…"

It took me a moment to realise what Rita was referring to, and then I shook my head a resounding 'no'. After all JJ dumped on me, I forgot about this incident entirely. Now that she reminded me, though…

"Forgive and forget, Rita. As long as you don't forget so much that you would repeat it," I said, narrowing my eyes meaningfully.

"Sure, sure!" Rita beamed at me, unconcerned by my warnings. "You know how I am, always learning from history!"

"Is this some inner joke?" Panda wondered. Her eyes darted between me and Rita, who laughed.

"Oh, well, sort of. It's actually—"

"It's actually better to not be spoken about." I cut her off with a sour look. "And this is how you are learning on history, Ri-ta."

She lowered her eyes and puckered her lips in a picture of exaggerated chastisement. I sighed and rolled my eyes. Friends could be such pain in the ass sometimes, but there was nothing could replace a person who'd be there to lend you a hand when you need it.

And speaking of friends, I wondered how JJ was doing. I basically ran out on him. It was a relief at the time, a temporary escape, but now I wondered if he thought I avoided him again. Because in a way, I did, and I didn't really want to. No matter the emotional turmoil, my thoughts (and body) were drawn to him.

"You have that face again, Diana," Panda said. She looked at me unsurely. The questions were visible in her eyes again, but she rarely asked any of them. It took me time to realise that not all of it was because of lack of curiosity. Sometimes, Panda just needed an assurance that they would be welcome.

They wouldn't be welcome this time. I did a risky thing once when I told Rita about JJ's true nature, and I trusted Rita enough to know that she'd believe me, just on my word. Panda? You'd never know. Plus, she and JJ worked together. It promised all sorts of awkwardness if I were to tell. And without telling, how would I explain everything that fell on me?

At my lack of response, Panda frowned slightly and lowered her face to her plate. I pursed my lips to stop the words from spilling out. They wanted that, the words. I wanted to rant and let out my problems, but in current company I had to watch my tongue.

Now I regretted inviting Panda. Damn it.

"Say, can you answer a question for me?" I suddenly asked Rita and Panda. "It's… something that I've been thinking about."

Panda looked at me with confusion; Rita inclined her head to the side in curiosity. I paused, picking up the right words.

"Imagine an absolutely hypothetical situation." I paused at Rita's look of sly disbelief and threw her a dark glare. I repeated, stressing my words, "An ab-so-lu-te-ly hy-po-the-ti-cal situation."

"Go on," Panda said with a nod. Her face was bland and nothing showed that she suspected that said 'absolutely hypothetical situation' could be anything more than I said.

"Imagine there's a man and a woman, and they are friends. And the woman would like to be someone more than friends, if the man would even be interested, but! She has an incurable illness that will kill her in five more years. What do you two think, should the woman try to go for the man, even if that means that he will be sadder later when she dies than if she was just her friend? Or should she withdraw as much as she can? Or what?"

Rita frowned in thought. Her expression was as dark as my thoughts, and I knew without a doubt that she pierced my (kinda thick) allusions. Panda thought hard too, but without so much concern on her face. She was also the first to speak.

"I think that the woman should go for her dream with all she has. I think everyone should, no matter what their circumstances, as soon as they realise what their true dream is."

I looked at her in surprise. These words weren't something I expected to see from someone so… unenthusiastic. But she appeared to be deathly serious.

After a moment of contemplation, Rita nodded in agreement. "If you live thinking about 'what ifs', you might as well don't live at all! If you got a chance, you should use it." A sharp look she threw at me gave no questions about who said 'you' was. "Enjoy every moment you have and damn the consequences, that was always my motto!"

I guessed that meant that Rita's last meeting with JJ was enough to make all her previous doubts about him disappear. Yes, the man had this kind of effect on people.

I chuckled. "Unanimously decided, then? Anyway, thank you for answering."

Only after getting my responses I realised how much did it help. I still was torn between options I had, options I didn't have and options I didn't even know about, but now I have a more specific food for thought.

Panda raised an excellent question. All that time I chased (or run away from) the thing in front of me, forgetting about all the rest. When was the last time I put things in perspective? When was the last time I thought about what I wanted from my life in the long term?

What was my dream now?