48 Self Identity Pt. 2

The morning sun peeped through the large windowpane. The soft warmth of sunlight hit my face as the sun struggled to find its place amongst the thick, black clouds. it was the dawn of a new day, and I felt usual after surviving another night on this planet.

I slowly opened my eyes to somebody poking on my skin. My body ached as I tried to move my joints. A crumbled body on a couch was not an adequate example of a night well spent. When I came to realization that it was my wife, Kyo, who was poking on my right thigh, I jolted for a second. I came back to the realization of where we were and what I was doing.

Slowly, everything came back to me. What I had done last night, and what was to be done in the future.

"Kyo, why are you up so early? Go back to bed. you still are suffering from jet lag, right?"

"No, not really. I was unconscious for the most part, so I don't remember too much of last thirty-eight hours. Frankly speaking, I'm not to keen to find out anyways. C'mon, lay on the bed. we may as well talk."

I had a suspicion that not everything was lost to Kyo. But if she wanted to present herself like this, I was not going to pry. Might as well keep the pandora's box closed.

I lifted myself up from the couch and stretched my back. It was sore. So were my arms and legs. I was crumbled into a cannonball last night, leaving enough space for Kyo to sleep around. No. it was not for Kyo that I had prevented the bed. I had done it for my own sake. Knowing that me talking with Gian would take extra pressure on my mind, I needed some space. Yes. I have come to know that not every action taken by me is for others' sake.

I walked up to the bed and flung off the sheets. And therein I found Priscilla lay asleep. I was more annoyed that shocked to find her first thing in my bed. I felt my eyebrows twitch as I poked her in her waist. That made her body wriggle in uneasiness and thus I made some space for myself. Kyo had gone to the washroom to freshen up, so I waited for her return to ask why this woman was in our bed.

As I sat down on the bed and covered myself with the sheets, I heard a knock on the door. So much for resting in peace, I thought. I walked over to the door without realizing the lack of clothes on my body and opened the door. It was Harman.

In a panicked state she posed the question," Have you seen P.A.? I don't know where she has gone. And her room is locked too. I tried calling but she won't respond."

I gave out a lazy yawn and shook my head in denial.

"Maybe she was in the restaurant," I said.

Harman didn't wait another second and took the lift for the ground floor. I locked the door behind me and made my way back to the bed.

"Who was it?" Priscilla asked from underneath the covers.

"Harman. She was looking for you."

"Oh. Shit. She must be ready to shove those pills down my throat."

"Still taking medicine for nervousness?"

"Yeah."

"Why is stage fright such a pain for you. Even now?"

"Those crowds are always a surprise, man. Did you tell her I was in the restaurant?"

"Yeah."

"Grow up."

"You first."

It was in the middle of our casual banter when Kyo walked back into the room. thankfully, she had donned the shirt I gave her last night. Stupidly enough, I was the one in the room without enough fabric on my skin.

"You guys are teasing Harman?" Kyo asked.

"In more or less those words. How did you know?"

"She seems easy. So gullible."

I smiled at her. She seemed carefree. I wished for nothing else right now.

I made my way back and saw Kyo pulling the couch I slept on next to the bed. I covered my cold skin with the blanket and asked," What did you want to talk about?"

She successfully pulled the heavy couch next to me and sat down with a soft thud. Then she proceeded to swing her legs and sat horizontally. She seemed like a queen, ready to address her audience. I waited gleefully.

She opened her mouth, but no words came out. She did it again after a beat and still, she produced no sound. I understood in a heartbeat what was going on.

"Kyo, don't hesitate to say what you want to. Like it or not, we are still married. We are still the people who went against the grain and stayed together. I am still the same person who loves you immensely."

A warm smile came across her face. Reflexively, I smiled back at her. I had not seen her smile in a long time. And her small gestures like these made me realize what I had lost through these turbulent times.

"Frankly, I don't know how to deal with all this, Mad. This is not easy for me. After my father died, another woman ruined my life. And after that period of my life, it was another woman, you, who rebuilt me from the ground up. I inhabit this personality and this individuality because you allowed me to breath in the free world once again. That means that you are nothing short of a drug to me. I am affiliated with you at the core."

I was listening to her carefully, not trying to waver my concentration. What she had and who she was, I loved that. but the pit that I had pushed myself and her had her questioning her existence. And me, a drug? Was she always so obsessed with me?

"Now that I have come to know that you were not the blank face woman had made me a little anxious. No, that is not right. A lot of nervousness has entered my mind. It is difficult to have a caged heart and a conscious mind all the times."

Did her words meant more than what I had heard? Blank face?

"I mean, when I met you, you were nothing. You had no history, no past. But your past is rich. It is pain, but it still is more than me. Ever since I met Priscilla, there was a feeling that bubbled down in my mind that you have walked a path and you'd never come back to me. After meeting Blessing and Amaan, I realized that you had a potential of using people as well as getting used. I am beginning to realize that you are a person too."

I was dumbfounded. What was she saying? I am a person? Did she realize it just recently? What was I to her from the beginning?

"I'm sorry. I just…" she stopped speaking, having lost her words. She had hit the roadblock. And I had to release her from this problem. Even though spelling it out would shatter my humanity.

"It's just that, I am not the clean slate who you could project your innocence to. Talking to Priscilla, Amaan and Blessing made you realize that I had a personality, a factor of individuality. Is that right? Am I right, Kyo?"

"Kyo looked at me. Her eyes spelled pity. Self Pity.

A moment of clarity crossed my mind. You could even call it an era. An era, when I critically defined the person with whom I had spent my recent time. After her mother robbed her of her father and childhood, she heavily antagonized her. That became her existence. And when she ran away from that brothel, she got some of her friends shot. Killed even. The dirt was on her for the first time. That night when she ran away from the brothel, she did not only gain her freedom, she also took her first steps in the world. The world, which was nothing more than hazy memories of childhood and usage of her body for pleasure became too grand for her to grasp. After she had her first night sleep as a free woman, that thought occurred her. the thought of individuality, responsibility and mistakes made by her. But she persisted. She persisted because I had no memories. She persisted because I could be anything to her. she persisted because she saw the same innocence in me as her younger self. She persisted, because she projected herself on me. Just to lock away the first encounter with the cruel world.

Oh, how wrong I had been.

Oh, how weak she had been.

"Kyo, I am a person. I am sorry to disappoint, but I have a past. This was overdue and should have been out of the way ever since we set foot in our home. But you must realize that even with all that baggage, I still love you."

Kyo looked at me with her soft eyes, still struggling for a resolution. I could tell how hard it was for her to carve her own identity after her 'Pure' and 'Honest' partner was not as such.

I extended my hand and grabbed her arm, rubbing it softly. Kyo took notice of the gesture; she seemed pleased. And yet, confused as ever.

"Kyo, we have a lot of time. we'd spend all of it on you. You would become your own person. You would become the person who'd love our child more than me. You'd become a person worthy of your own name."

Kyo gave out a tired smile and stood up from the couch. She zoomed in and brought her face next to mine. The tips of our noses touched. My heartbeat skipped for a second. She closed her eyes and planted her lips on mine.

What!?

For all the pain and suffering we had been through, I never thought a kiss would taste so rich with love. Everything she said on the plane, she had all the right to call out to me. But this was not the same person. She was not the usual self either. She was moving forward. Towards something. Something I had no right to pry about. All I could do… all I wanted was to support her enough so that she becomes her own person.it was so strange getting kissed. I had never thought I would be able to do this till the end. But I was proven wrong. She was equally in jeopardy and needed me.

Isn't that right Kyo? You realize how important we are to each other, right? Does that also mean you have realized me as another human being?

A moment of fear came across my mind. You could even call it an era. An era of realization. An era, where I was confused at my own humanity. The timing could not be worse.

Kyo separated her lips from mine, but she did not move away. She looked in my eyes and whispered," I am lost right now, so please bear with me as I look for something. Something substantial."

I nodded softly.

She retracted and headed towards the shower. She turned at the doorway and curved her lips into another smile. I replied in kind.

I saw her closing the door and heard the shower running seconds later. Her last words rang in my ears for what seemed like an eternity. Something Substantial.

I slid under the covers and asked," What do you think about it? I know you are jittering to give yout two cents in."

Priscilla threw the covers away and turned to face me. She was trying to hold back her laughter. So typical.

"How did you know I was awake?"

"You may not remember, but we spent four years together. I know more than you think. So, what do

you think?"

"I think she is on a path of self destruction. Quite literally in this case. You were the one who defined her, and now she knows you are not the glorious 'Madonna' she thought you were. And she is, once again, lost in this world. You could even compare her to a child."

I didn't like how Priscilla was so bold to spit something so truthfully.

"Everyone goes through those phases. You did. You helped me through it. You even helped Blessing to some extent. Amaan was too much for you, but she did hide her true self so that she could take her time with you. But nothing of that sense has happened with Kiyomi. I'd be lying if I said I understood her completely. But the way she diminished your existence was amusing nonetheless."

I sighed. Ofcourse she'd focus on it.

I turned to face away from her. she continued to lay with me. The sound of water dropping on the porcelain floor was the only thing breaking the silence.

"So, where are we going? You said you'd tell me about this Gian person," She asked.

"I called her last night. I still don't have all the details."

"Hmm."

It was silence once again.

"Priscilla, can I ask for a favour?"

"You can ask, but its all up to me if I'd comply."

"Can you please not come with us?"

There was a little movement on the other side of the bed. I realized she had stood up. I saw her heading towards the bar and taking out a bag of gummy bears and a bottle of beer.

"Those things are costly, you know."

"If you haven't noticed, I can afford it."

That made me smile.

"Okay."

"Sorry?"

"Okay. I won't come with you. Take the blue SUV and go to wherever you want. Let me know when we would be going back. I'd get the jet ready by then."

I didn't think she'd agree so easily. She really had changed.

"Thank you."

"Whatever. I'm going for breakfast. I'll see you in the evening. I'd like to check out the casino in this town," saying that, she left the room.

All I could hear was the tricking sounds of the water from the shower.

It felt serene.