Chapter 9 - Hopes

Gambling. The easy ride to heaven or hell. A form of entertainment to all humans, giving us hope and despair, and last but not least, the thrill of destroying ourselves.

That's what we are, a creature that'll ruin and destroy anything to relinquish our needs.

Sohee shuffles the cards and passes them to Carrie who shuffles it again for a minute. Satisfied, slowly she begins to disturb the card down the table.

Eight cards resting face-down on the shiny wood, and only one type of card is desired by everyone in this room. Only one type can make me avoid dying. Oh, I want to die but this kind of dying I got into is a bit different as you know.

Die and live again…it may sound pleasant to others--it's what even The Qin Shi Huang strived to have. But tell you what, it's not so pleasant to me.

Imagine a man working 24/7. He does get paid as both the rewards and work never stop. Work and work. Payment after payment.

And he can't stop himself. And forever he walks, sees, and breathes.

Sooner or later, rewards'd feel empty to him. And the unending walk of life makes him a schizo.

I don't want to lose my sense of humanity.

Life is only worth living once, but she robs me of it. As I stay here longer, I feel less interested in a human's life's worth. Mine, personally.

Carrie sweeps her eyes over her teammates and says, "who'd pick first?"

Shizuka leans forward and takes two cards.

"I--I'm going next," Mei reaches her hand over the table and hangs in the air…until a minute later she dared to pick two.

Carrie goes next…without any hesitation, she picks the cards and looks at me, "we're done."

"Hm, then the remaining two are Sunbae's," says Shizuka.

Yes, it is... That's the only way to win, a double joker. As I drag my arm to the cards, I feel blood gushing into them.

It's just a matter of flipping the cards over, but my hand continues to shake and disrupts the easy activity.

It makes a hole for a time to make hope as I keep them holding.

But what is hope again? Something that you EXPECT to happen. Why do we have hope? What makes us WORTH for the better?

Ah…

Because we think the world owes us something.

For all the good things we have done.

So we thought hope is our right to have.

But nothing belongs to us.

Hopes only a good thing when it works anyway and if it doesn't…

It backfires.

I look down at the card and watch.

The joker and a seven of spades.

Yes, it backfired; when it happened, you would feel oppressed and squish down to earth. Who is to blame here? Aha, me!

In times like this, some people could lift it and throw it away.

Some accept their fall.

I can't be either of those.

Someone like me has no choice but to try my hardest to lift it as I already accept it.

Carrie opens her little mouth and from her throat, she lets out a mocking breath, "Hahahaha, you should look at your face now. You really have that noobish face." She turns around her hand, "Ta-Da, here's one joker."

The joker twirls around her hand, making jokes about me.

Mei nods with a smile, "w, we did it."

Shizuka grunts and puts back her hand on the table, "Hrn…wish I was the one hold that joker but I guess that's fine."

Sohee lowers her head, "I knew it…"

And people hope for impossible things because the idea of hope is never realistic anyway.

Oh…it's just me or did my body feels like standing under the rain? My chest sweats cold and my teeth clatter. I'm not scared but dying.

But then come to the heat on my trembling arm, and a warm voice holds my ear. "It's okay Sunbae…failure is not the end."

Claire averts her eyes and snorts, "ge--get over it, you're like thirty-something. It's hella creepy to see someone old that way."

Maybe I should hit her. Or destroy everyone and everything just to make them understand what I'm feeling right now. Hopeless in a cold dying world.

Haha, maybe I should start now with the naive girl capturing my arm. Twist her head something...

It's not like they would remember this the next time we meet. In the next timeline…

...the hell I'm thinking.

I sigh. Well, to have those thoughts are exhausting. I mean, to feel anger is normal to anyone--but to just act over it is just idiotic.

Sohee's still grabbing my arm, caressing the skin with her and--if we ignore the uniform--her purple bras (I could see it up here, nice one, angle.)

This girl's just worrying too much. I don't need her to comfort or help me now but well that boob service is okay though heh.

Death provided with the bottle so that should be enough help. Let's call 'em the Death Pills. Not too catchy as Death Note but it'd do

I take out my pill, and seeing this, Sohee once again offers me her water bottle.

I pat her head. "Thank you, next time I'll do it right."

Shizuka chimes, "that's cute, Sunbae, but there's no next time you said it yourself--only one round. That, and the school almost over.

Geez, no need to be like that. I show her the pill, "oh really, but I think I will have my way sooner."

I put the pill on my tongue and pull the bottle's lid off and suck in the water together.

Sohee blushes with a paper cup in her hand…ah dammit, I forgot again.

Gulp.

Shizuka raises her eyebrow, "er…so how's that helping with your case?"

I brush my lips with my backhand and smile, "by dying of cours--"

THUD.

---*----*---*---

"Sunbae? Sunbae? Are you well?"

I shake my head and stare at the reconcile room's door, "yeah, just wondering when will I win this gamble."

How many times do I have to die to get that double joker?

Who knows.

I lose again that round and I take the pill.

Then the next timeline I gulp it down again.

Again and again.

Until I find myself…

Want to taste a new different kind of death.