10 Chapter 9

At the end of the conversation, Lena's drink was already cold so I got a new one for her before making my way towards the elevator.

I was having a hard time keeping my mind straight, my head was spinning. I kept going back to the conversation earlier. I can't believe that Lena's family owns this hotel. I guess that explains how scared the front office staff were of her when she was mad. And how they all knew her, I feel kind of stupid for not realizing earlier.

But that wasn't what plagued my mind, it was something entirely different.

==

"She's… well, she 'was' sick."

I shifted in my seat. What is he saying? "Sick? What do you mean sick? Like a cold? The flu? Or what?" I couldn't believe it. She's sick? I don't know if I could go through that again. Memories of my father came flashing in my mind, how healthy he was, how happy and energetic. Then how frail he was in his last days, how helpless and feeble he looked lying on the hospital bed as he breathed his last breathe. No. I shook my head. I could smell the hospital, the stench that came with it. It smelled of bleach and death. I could hear the machine beeping, my mother sobbing. Time of death… I tried to stop my thoughts. That won't happen to Lena, it can't. Liam said she 'was' sick, therefore it's in the past, she's not anymore. I'm spiraling.

"Well. Uh.. She still is actually. Well, I'm not sure." He scratched the back of his neck, slightly tilting his head. Huh, I guess that's a family habit.

My heart stopped, my stomach dropped and I felt like throwing up.

"No, no. it's nothing like that." Liam assured me when he saw my face starting to pale. He continued when I didn't respond. "She was suffering from clinical depression. Might still be, but I can't really tell. I heard about you though, from Lena. And the staff, they say she seems to be doing better with you around."

==

Clinical depression? Well, it's not that bad, I mean I don't know cause I've never been depressed, but at least we can still do something. Anything. Right?

"Hey." She greeted as soon as I stepped in the room.

I greeted her with a tight smile, placing her coffee on the table.

"What's wrong? She tilted her head, eyebrows furrowed.

I forced a big smile, handing her her coffee. "Nothing. So, what are you painting today?" I looked around the room, avoiding her eyes.

"You spoke to him." It wasn't a question.

Something in her tone made me look at her. It was … sadness, and fear, and everything in between. I didn't answer, I didn't know if I should told her that I know about her sickness or not. Not like it would actually change anything, she's depressed, so what. I'll be here for her, until she's actually happy again. I nodded.

==

"I was 13, it was my mom's death anniversary. The whole family was in the cemetery like we did every year for the past 13 years. We had a little picnic and it was going good, we were all remembering her. Then my dad showed up, he was drunk. I knew there was something wrong the moment I got to the cemetery and he wasn't there. He was always the earliest one there. So, anyway, he was drunk. It would have been there 20th wedding anniversary the next day if she hadn't died."

She took a seat on the floor and I followed. I didn't know why she was telling me this, but I want to listen, to know, to understand.

"So, he was stumbling towards us and I run to him, because his my dad you know, and I've always been a daddy's girl. So imagine my surprise and hurt when he pushed me away."

There were tears running down her cheeks, she wiped at it like it was nothing and continued. "It was the first time he ever shouted at me, and last. I never forgot what he said. To this day it haunts me, Asher. It won't leave me alone."

This is it, this is the demons I've been wondering about. The demons I am ready to take on for her.

" 'It's your fault. This is all your fault. She would still be here if it weren't for you, I would still be happy, we would still be happy. Why couldn't it have been you because god knows I'd pick her over you any time.' All our relatives were holding him back but no one could have stopped him from telling the truth." She was sobbing.

I placed my hand over hers and squeezed lightly, letting her know that I'm here for her, I'm here, whatever she needs I'll do my best to give it to her. She smiled a painful smile and shook her head slowly.

"My mom died giving birth to me. So yeah, that day was my birthday. It had been a difficult pregnancy and they knew from the start that it would be dangerous for her. My dad wanted her to get an abortion but she refused. My dad loves me, I know that. He loved me when I was still in her stomach too, I know, he just, he just loves my mom more and didn't want to risk her. Like he said, he would pick her over me."

I don't know how to make her feel better, I don't really know how she feels exactly. Knowing that your father wanted to get rid of you when you were just a baby, knowing he would have preferred that it was you who died. How did she survive that? How did she not lose her mind with that knowledge? I guess she did, a little, that's why she got depressed. She took a deep, shaky breathe before continuing.

"He apologized to me eventually that night, when he was sober enough and when our relatives allowed him near me. Liam was there beside me the whole time. He apologized, he begged me actually to forgive him." Lena let out a humorless laugh. "Of course I did, I didn't have to really, I wasn't mad. How could I get mad at my dad for telling me the truth? I knew it was mostly because of the alcohol, he would never hurt me on purpose, he loves me, I know that." Somehow I felt Lena was saying it most to herself, to remind her that her father did love her. I know he does, even though I've never met the man I know he loves his daughter. Who could not?

"So that's when it started, my downward spiral. The things he said, it stayed in my mind. It took root somewhere in there and it grew, taking over most of my thoughts until I couldn't take it anymore."

Lena shifted and moved the hair out of her neck, she tilted her head a little and lowered the collar of the shirt she was wearing to reveal a scar, right next to the chain that always hangs around her neck, it went from her lower neck down to her collar bones. If you didn't stare, it wasn't actually that noticeable, maybe if she weren't as pale it would have been obvious.

" I was about to turn 14, the day before my mom's death anniversary, the day before my birthday. I .. I tried to …" She took a deep breath as if trying to gather the strength to go on with her story. I hated seeing her this way, so weak, so vulnerable, but I think she needs this, she needs to let it out. "Uhh.. I woke up in the hospital and Liam was crying so hard, he wasn't just sobbing, he was wailing. And my dad was there too and it was the most haunting sound I've ever heard, he was weeping, begging me to wake up, begging for forgiveness. It was horrible."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in when she didn't continue. She just sat there and stared at the floor, like she was looking for answers. I didn't know how hard it had been for her, I didn't know how someone as sweet as her, as gentle as her had gone through those things. I thought she was done but she started again.

"Then a year later he died. Of course it was my fault again." I turned to look at her, about to protest but she just shook her head to stop me, she wanted me to listen. "Every year since this hotel was built 10 years ago, we would come here to spend a week. It was kind of like our bonding time since he was always so busy and usually moving back and forth from the other hotel. So, yeah, this was 'our' hotel. So that year I got here earlier and I called him. Our flight is still two days away but I went ahead because I just couldn't wait to get here, and I begged him to come earlier and of course he did."

I knew where the story is heading but I couldn't stop hoping it would end up differently, for her sake. "I got a call from Liam. He was the one that broke the news to me. he didn't blame me of course, no one did. Except me. There were technical problems with the plane, and if only I waited for him instead of asking him to change his schedule the plane would have been checked, and fixed. And he wouldn't have.. he.. " Lena was sobbing now, she was closed in on herself, sobbing, her arms wrap around her like she was trying to give herself comfort. It was a painful sight to see. I moved closer and wrapped my arms around her tight, she wrapped her arms around my waist and cried her heart out like she had been holding everything to herself for so long. I guess she had been. "shhh, shhh.. it's not your fault Lena, it's not. Even if you didn't ask, he would still probably have come earlier." I tried to give her comfort but I guess her pain is too much.

Liam told me that Lena stopped her schooling almost 3 years ago, that's probably around the time their dad died. Also around the time Lena started pulling herself away from other people, she kept to herself until slowly the people around her just drifted away. Only Liam and their family stayed.

'I would have stayed too Lena, if only I knew you then, I would.' I thought to myself as I kissed the top of her head then laid my cheek on it.

She's starting to calm down but I didn't loosen my hold on her, if only being this close to her would help transfer some of the pain she's feeling.

==

After wearing herself out, Lena fell asleep in my arms. There was no bed in that room because of the painting, and I don't have a key to her room, I didn't want to go looking around her pockets for it, so in the end I carried her to our room. I knocked and Lester opened the door, immediately making way when he saw Lena in my arms. I laid her gently on my bed and pulled the sheets around her, she stirred a little but went on sleeping. Lester disappeared for a while then came back with a small towel filled with crushed ice.

"Here. this would help keep her eyes from swelling." I took the towel and gently placed it on top of her eyes.

Lester and I stood there for a while, watching her. Then Lester went to the balcony, I followed moments later.

"So she told you huh."

"You know?" I looked at Lester, I was shocked. He knew about this and didn't tell me?

He nodded his head but didn't look at me. "I just found out yesterday. After their lunch, I went to talk to that guy. That's how I found out. I tried calling you but you didn't answer."

I nodded, knowing he could see me through his peripheral vision. Of course Lester would just walk straight up to Liam and asked. Sometimes, he really amaze me.

"This is our last week here dude."

His words stunned me. I didn't even realize we've already been here for 16 days, it was hard to keep track of the days when all my attention is focused on Lena.

"I want to extend our stay but all I can get is an extra day. That's it and I have to go back man, we have to get back. We have 6 days left here then it's up to you." He turned to look at me, waiting for an answer.

6 days.

How could I only have 6 days with her?

"Promise you won't leave." I heard Lena's voice at the back of my head. A vulnerable whisper, such a soft sound.