Chapter 42: Don't sink

Unlike Bai Mi with her red rimmed eyes, Li Siqi, or Han Siqi rather, bows graciously to her Emperor father, and to her wife to be, expressing her wishes of theirs being "a most auspicious union."

Her words leave Liao Min flustered and she only stammers out a few words that no one understands, or cares to understand, in the present, tense circumstances. 

Bai Mi glares at her as if her ineptitude to form a coherent sentence in Li Siqi's presence is as great an offence as calling her a common harlot.

She doesn't wait for Su Xueyi to dismiss her before storming out of the throne room in a flurry of swaying silks and dangling hair ornaments. 

Li Siqi shoots her father a worried look, and he waves her away with a sigh.

She bows daintily before running after Bai Mi, lifting up her skirts in her hands.

"Since this matter has been decided, all in attendance are dismissed," Su Xueyi says, raising from his throne. "The preparations for the wedding will continue as scheduled." Leveling a shrewd eye at Liao Min, he adds. "I trust that General Liao's family has been informed of the developments and is readying a residence for General and her future bride?"

Liao Min stands at attendance, and says, swallowing dryly, "A propriety has been arranged right here in the capital."

Su Xueyi nods as he makes his way down the dais, no longer interested in Liao Min now that she has answered his question affirmatively.

He stops next to Xi Zirui and leans close to him, before saying, "Xi-fei can expect another visit tonight."

Han Yu's eyes find Xi Zirui's from behind Su Xueyi's shoulder, and Xi Zirui has no choice but to smile and answer while Han Yu gives him that searching look. "This concubine is flattered by His Majesty's attention."

Su Xueyi's fingers brush lightly over the dip of his waist, and Xi Zirui stiffens, looking resolutely ahead as the Emperor walks by him.

Han Yu follows after his father, probably still duty bound by some Crown Prince duties, but his gaze follows Xi Zirui all the way out of the room, the air hanging heavy with everything unsaid between them.

---

Back in his pavilion, Xi Zirui sits in one of the viewing rooms with all the sliding doors open so he can enjoy the fresh air while lunch is served. 

As always, only Granny Ma and Xiao Gou condescend to share a meal with him.

He picks listlessly at his noodles while contemplating how alienating his days in the Imperial palace have been. He has never felt this odd brand of loneliness before. Even when surrounded by people very few of them will acknowledge him, either out of respect for his higher status, or out of disdain for his lower status.

In the end, the result is the same. 

He can go hours without speaking with another human being if Granny Ma and Xiao Gou aren't around. 

It's no wonder that all the surviving accounts of the lives of Imperial concubines that have reached the modern days are tragic.

He's ashamed to admit that even during his most obsessive history nerd days, he never spent much time thinking about the lives of Imperial concubines. He doesn't think he has ever spared them more than a passing thought.

Now, in the most unlikely of circumstances, he's one of them.

Xi Zirui thinks there are few things more grim than knowing that your entire life is going to be decided based on the whims of a man who has hundreds of others to choose from.

Which makes him want to rebel all the more. When Su Xueyi comes to see him again Xi Zirui wants to have Han Yu's marks all over his body. 

Suddenly, he can't wait any longer, he needs to see Han Yu as soon as possible. He doesn't care if he has to wait for him. Anything is better than staying in this pavilion and wringing his hands.

Granny Ma gives him a worried look when he slams his bowl down on the table without having finished eating. "Is the food not to Xi-fei's liking?"

"I'm not hungry, I'm going out for a walk."

"Can Xiao Gou come too?" the boy asks, balancing his chin on his open palms and giving Xi Zirui an hopeful look.

As much as it saddens him to have to disappoint Xiao Gou, he can't risk having him come with him.

If the worst happens, Xi Zirui doesn't want Xiao Gou to be implicated in any way. Who knows what Su Xueyi would do to him if he thought he was covering up for Xi Zirui and Han Yu?

"Not this time, Xiao Gou, I have to do something important," when Xiao Gou pouts, Xi Zirui adds. "It's adult business, very boring."

That seems to lift his spirits somewhat, like every child Xiao Gou finds adult matters, whenever they don't concern him, incredibly dull. The other day, he fell asleep five minutes into telling Xi Zirui he would help him balance the books for the granary.

Even so, Xiao Gou still follows after him as he makes his way to his bedroom, where he intends to put on a veil hat, and go out from the side entrance of the courtyard instead of the main gates.

Xiao Gou watches him fasten the hat around his head with a curious look. "Why is Xi-fei wearing that inside the palace?"

He makes a good point, and others are sure to give him odd looks as well, but he's counting on no one recognizing him. 

"To protect my skin from the sun, it's been very sensitive lately," he says, which is the excuse he plans on using if he's found out.

Xiao Gou nods and watches him slip out into the deck with his boots in hand. "Oh and Xiao Gou," Xi Zirui calls peeking back inside. "If anyone comes looking for me, tell them I have a terrible headache and I'm resting."

"What if His Majesty comes looking for Xi-fei?" Xiao Gou asks, face blanching at the perspective of lying to the Emperor. 

"Don't worry, I'll be back before he comes."

And with one last smile, he closes the door behind him and leaves Xiao Gou alone in his empty bedroom.

---

By some stroke of luck he doesn't stumble into any other concubines on his way to the Fragrant Spring Winds pavilion. A few servants give him odd looks, but no one does more than nod towards him, and go on their way.

On a technical level, Xi Zirui knows he's not doing anything wrong - yet. As a concubine, he's free to walk around the palace's grounds, but the knowledge of the illicit activities he plans to engage in, multiple times with any luck, has him jumping at his own shadow.

The pavilion, once he arrives there, doesn't look much different from the last time he saw it. Clearly some of the furniture has been put into storage as to not get damaged while the pavilion sits empty, but some of the more inexpensive items were left in their places. He trows the hat and the veil over a low chair that has been left behind.

He's praying to all the deities he doesn't believe in that the bed hasn't been moved when he opens the door to his own bedroom, and stumbles in on Han Yu lighting candles in broad daylight.

Han Yu turns around with a contrived look on his face and blows out the candle in his hand. "Zirui is here already...Ah, I thought closing the windows and lighting candles would make it feel more like night."

It takes Xi Zirui a moment to understand why Han Yu would care about that, but when he does, it makes something soft and tender give out inside his chest.

Han Yu wants to make it look like they're meeting at night, so that they'll be more like a married couple, sharing a bed after a day apart. 

Xi Zirui doesn't have any complicated feelings regarding their situation, he's not the original Xi Zirui, he never wanted to marry Su Xueyi and as far as he's concerned he's under no obligation to be faithful to him. 

He's going along with all the craziness for Han Yu and Han Yu alone.

But that's not how Han Yu sees it. From his perspective, he's about to bed one of his father's spouses. Regardless of how strained their relationship is, that can't be something he does with an easy conscience. 

It's only natural that he would want to pretend that their circumstances are different. 

Xi Zirui walks towards him and takes the candle from his hand, he lights the wick on the flame of another candle and sets it down on the candle holder. "I think Han Yu had a wonderful idea. It does feel more intimate like this," he says, and brings their lips together.

He can feel the tension drain off Han Yu's body as he relaxes into the kiss and pulls Xi Zirui against him, gripping his waist with one hand and the back of his head with another.

Xi Zirui doesn't even notice they're moving until the back of his knees hit the bed.

He lets himself fall down on the soft mattress and pulls Han Yu on top of him, pulling the hairpin securing the hair inside his crown, and letting it cascade around their faces like a dark curtain.

Han Yu's eyes glint like gems in the gloom. "Is Zirui certain? I don't want to do anything to offend him."

He's so sweet, and such an idiot. Xi Zirui smiles and lifts one hand to touch his sharp cheekbone. "Han Yu called me a whore when he first met me."

He thinks he can see a faint blush crawling up Han Yu's neck. He looks away from Xi Zirui and bites his lower lip. "I'm ashamed of my conduct, and if it takes my entire life to properly apologize to Zirui, I'll gladly spend it all begging for his forgiveness."

It's dangerous when Han Yu says things like that, about them having an entire lifetime together, because Xi Zirui desperately wants to believe it's possible. 

Xi Zirui loops his arms around Han Yu's neck, and looks into his eyes. "And how would Han Yu ask for forgiveness?"

Han Yu lowers his eyes, following the bobbing of Xi Zirui's throat down to his heaving chest. "I'll worship at the temple of Zirui's body, and hope he accepts this worshiper's offerings."

Han Yu's earnestness and poetic declarations of devotion are too powerful a combination. 

Xi Zirui wants to ride him until he breaks.

Unfortunately, that's going to have to wait for another time, because that's probably more than Han Yu expects for their first time.

Xi Zirui slides one hand between their pressed chests, and unfastens the sash at his waist. "Han Yu can worship as he sees fit."

With trembling fingers, Han Yu pulls the two sides of his robe and under robe apart, baring the smooth expanse of Xi Zirui's chest, and his hard nipples to the cool air of the room.

He runs a reverent finger from the hollow of Xi Zirui's throat all the way down his chest, into his bellybutton and down still, stopping just above the line of his underwear. "Zirui should know this is my first time."

That shy admission fills Xi Zirui with so much tenderness that there's nothing he can do but hide his face against Han Yu's neck and breathe in the clean, crisp scent of him until his pulse calms down.

Once he has himself under control, Xi Zirui hooks one finger under Han Yu's belt and tugs, making it come loose with one swift movement. "We can learn together," he says, running his palms over Han Yu's trim stomach, feeling the muscles seize under his touch. 

Han Yu's gaze grows heated, and his finger tighten on Xi Zirui's waist. 

When Han Yu takes his lips in a searing kiss, Xi Zirui feels as if he's sinking into an ocean of heat and never wants to see the surface again.