Chapter 105: Don't think sleeping Androids dream of electric sheep

Xi Zirui is stunned silent, unable to come up with anything to say to Han Yu, who lowers his head in shame and leaves the cabin.

Rushing after him, Xi Zirui pulls him back by the wrist just as he's about to enter the kitchen.

Han Yu shakes him off without turning around, and Xi Zirui, no match for his Android strength, is unable to hold on.

The kitchen doors slide shut behind Han Yu, and Xi Zirui can only bang his fists against the metal fruitlessly.

"Han Yu, let me explain, I didn't mean it like that."

No answer comes from the other side of the door.

Xi Zirui keeps banging his fists. "Let's talk about this," he lets out a frustrated groan. "You're being unreasonable."

The doors slide open suddenly, almost making Xi Zirui lose his balance.

Han Yu glares at him from across the threshold. "Just one of the many emotions I'm capable of having, despite being an Android, and therefore, not a person."

This time, Xi Zirui holds out his arm to block his path and prevent him from storming off again.

"It's not like that, it's just...I don't know how much of what you feel is real and how much of it is programmed."

As soon as the words leave his mouth Xi Zirui wishes he could take them back.

Han Yu notices him flinching, but instead of getting angry it's as if he deflates, his shoulders slumping in exhaustion.

"Xi Zirui's emotions are caused by chemicals in his brain, how much of it is real, how much is biology?"

Xi Zirui lowers his arm. "You're right, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that, of course your feelings are real."

Han Yu's eyes meet his across the short distance between them, his beautiful profile taking up Xi Zirui's field of vision.

"I can't help that I was made instead of born." He shrugs, his long lashes shuttering down his eyes. "But why should that affect how I live? Doing the things I was programmed to do makes me happy."

"But-," Xi Zirui starts, preparing himself for another round of shoving his foot into his mouth, before he thinks better of it and bites down on his words.

Han Yu's eyes dart towards him, flashing with righteous indignation. "I like cooking for Xi Zirui, I like cleaning the ship, I like making sure Xi Zirui has everything he needs. Is that because I was programmed to help humans with housework, or because I like Xi Zirui and making him happy?"

A muscle twitches in his jaw, and Xi Zirui can't help noticing how human of him that is, that involuntary display of anger.

Then again, Xi Zirui thinks that has been the problem all along, he has been looking at Han Yu and searching for the humanity in him, instead of appreciating him for what he is -- an Android.

Han Yu shakes his head. "From my point of view, the difference is irrelevant. I can't change my nature any more than Xi Zirui can change his." He lifts his chin, looking down his nose at Xi Zirui. "Nor do I want to."

With those parting words, he leaves Xi Zirui in the hallway, making his way back towards the cabin.

Space in the Irregular is limited, but it's clear that Han Yu wants as much of it between himself and Xi Zirui as possible.

---

That night, Han Yu never makes it to their room, which is how Xi Zirui has begun to think of it.

Xi Zirui lies in bed for a long time, staring up at the ceiling, trying and failing to fall asleep.

The tiny bed feels huge without Han Yu next to him.

"Ni Ni, who bought Han Yu?" Xi Zirui asks, keeping his voice quiet, in the off-chance that Han Yu might hear him. 

He put that question out of his mind until now, because he knew he would never be delivering Han Yu to the person who bought him.

But with everything Han Yu has said, it makes him wonder. Who wanted an illegal Android, especially one like Han Yu and what were they going to do with him?

Ni Ni has the good sense to answer only for Xi Zirui to hear,  "Answering Host: Shen Yun did."

That sickly bastard? Xi Zirui hasn't thought about him ever since he saw his dead body in the third world.

What does that waif want with Han Yu?

"Shen Yun is a world-renowned surgeon who creates the prostheses for his clients-"

Xi Zirui cuts her off. "Clients? Not patients?"

"Only the extremely wealthy can afford Shen Yun's exclusive services, and while some of them might have experienced an accident which left them disfigured or missing a limb, most of them seek his services for aesthetic reasons."

Xi Zirui is very confused, is Ni Ni implying these people have healthy limbs but replace them with one of Shen Yun's prostheses?

"Yes," she says, "the 'robotic' look is very in fashion among spacers in particular, with exposed machinery and chrome elements, but some people might choose to replace a limb simply to switch it with an upgraded version: stronger, with some more motor function as well as other uses such as projectile launching, flamethr-

"Enough, I've heard enough," Xi Zirui says, feeling a nauseating bolt of culture shock. He won't make any moral judgement on the beauty standards of a society so removed from his own, but it does feel extremely shallow to him.

More importantly, he has a terrible feeling about what it means for Shen Yun's intentions towards Han Yu. 

"What use did Shen Yun have for an Android like Han Yu?"

Ni Ni waits for a beat before answering. "Host has probably already figured it out. Shen Yun planned to scrape him for parts. The components in an Android could be very useful for his prostheses, and the lifelike artificial skin priceless for his clients who prefer the realistic look."

Xi Zirui closes his eyes and curses under his breath.

At least Shen Yun is somewhere far away, and Han Yu is safe aboard the Irregular, even if he would rather not be.

Suddenly, it's imperative that Xi Zirui find him. He can't stand the distance between them.

He throws the covers off himself and goes searching for him.

In such a small ship, it doesn't take him long. He finds him in the pilot's cabin, standing up against a wall, with his head lowered and his arms hanging limply at his sides.

Xi Zirui approaches him slowly, and then notices the array of flashing colors shifting through his open eyes.

It's an odd sight, and makes Xi Zirui's heart speed up. He has never seen Han Yu like this.

Could he be experiencing any technical malfunction?

Ni Ni chimes. "He's sleeping, Host. Androids recharge during sleep, which they can mimic to resemble a human's."

Xi Zirui looks at Han Yu more closely, inspecting the fine tracery of artificial veins under his skin.

He realizes now that Han Yu has been masking his natural Android behaviours as much as possible in order to appear more humanlike for Xi Zirui.

The realization makes the bottom drop out of his stomach.

He's worse than Earth girl Anna and her lack of tact when handling her lovers' alien nature.

Xi Zirui really doesn't have a leg to stand on. 

All this time he never considered he might be giving Han Yu the impression that him being an Android was a problem for him.

Bolstered by the fact that Han Yu is asleep, Xi Zirui rests his head on his shoulder and sighs deeply, inhaling his clean mint scent. 

He fits the back of his hand into the cradle of Han Yu's loose palm, and whispers into the fabric of his jumpsuit. "I once told you that I was curious about you, I wasn't lying about that."

He sighs. "I don't mind that you're an Android, it makes no difference to me."

He chances another look up at Han Yu's eyes and confirms they're still flashing the random sequence of colors. 

"You don't know this, but I've been choosing you for a long time now," he says, feeling as if he's getting a weight off his shoulders by admitting this, even if Han Yu can't hear him. "You told me I surprised you, and that you didn't think you were ever surprised before. Well, it's no different for me, you have no idea how bored I was before I met you."

Xi Zirui chuckles a little to himself. He feels like such a long time has passed since he met Han Yu, he can't even imagine how the person he was would react to seeing him now, in a spaceship, admitting his feelings to a sleeping Android.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is..." he falters, trying to order his thoughts. "It's my choice to love you, I just want to make sure it's your choice to love me, too."

He pulls away from Han Yu, lifts his head off his shoulder when he feels fingers close around his hand.

In his panic he tries to wrench free of Han Yu's grip, but he holds him in place, his dark eyes staring searchingly into Xi Zirui's wide ones.

"If Xi Zirui must know, it has been my choice not to kiss the smile off his lips, my choice too, not to burst into the bathroom when Xi Zirui is showering and push him, naked and wet, against the stall."

Xi Zirui's breath hitches. One of Han Yu's arms snakes around his waist, holding him steady against his chest.

"I'm ready to start making different choices," he says, his lips tickling the shell of Xi Zirui's ear.