Chapter 115: Don't rage against the dying of the light [END WORLD 5]

Han Yu can't be gone.

Xi Zirui refuses to believe it.

His plan wouldn't be just to sacrifice himself. Not after Xi Zirui has told him that the whole point of him hopping into these worlds is to be with him.

He looks anxiously at all the debris floating gently in the empty space between the two ships, looking for any sign of Han Yu at the same time he dreads finding it.

Only belatedly does he realize that Little Thunder is still meowing at the depressurization chamber before the hatch door.

Xi Zirui presses a button in the wall and the depressurization chamber slides towards the opposite wall, flattening itself and revealing the unobstructed path to the hatch door.

There's nothing there.

Little Thunder starts scratching and meowing at the metal hatch door now, stopping only to sniff it for a moment before continuing his frantic scratching. 

His determination is even more noticeable due to his missing paw. 

Xi Zirui is certain Little Thunder isn't acting like this at random.

He needs to open the hatch door and check outside.

He remembers seeing some old spacesuits stuffed in a locker somewhere. 

It takes him only a few minutes of searching until he finds two suits hanging up in a hidden locker in the back of the pilot's cabin.

They both look like they've seen better days, so Xi Zirui just puts on the smaller of the two.

"Ni Ni can you check if I put this on right, and that I'm not going to die as soon as I step outside?" Xi Zirui asks, fastening the fishbowl helmet in place.

"Pressure seal in the suit is intact, Host," Ni Ni confirms. "However, oxygen levels are low and will only last 3 minutes."

That's all Xi Zirui will need.

Little Thunder is still scratching the door when Xi Zirui approaches it. He turns his fluffy head sideways at the sound of Xi Zirui's plodding footsteps and hisses at the sight of him in the bulky spacesuit.

He's gone with an angry wail, saving Xi Zirui from the trouble of having to move him away from the door.

Xi Zirui punches the button in the wall that activates the depressurization chamber, and waits for the green light to flash before stepping inside it.

The few seconds he has to wait for pressure to equalize before being able to open the hatch door feel unending. His rapid breathing fogs up the inside of his helmet before the suits CO2 filters suck it away.

The hatch door finally slides open and Xi Zirui holds his breath.

Outside the Irregular there's nothing but the cold vastness of space, and Shen Yun's ship, growing smaller in the distance.

Xi Zirui supports himself on the door's railing and looks down.

Clinging to the ship's side panels is Han Yu, his hair singed and his skin covered in soot.

He says something as soon as he sees Xi Zirui, but of course Xi Zirui can't hear him in the vacuum.

With little time to waste, Xi Zirui extends one arm towards him and tries to help him up. 

It's only when he's pulling him halfway into the depressurization chamber that he realizes Han Yu is missing an arm.

He kicks the button to slide the hatch door closed with his boot, hurrying to get out of his suit and breathe the ship's recycled oxygen -- a vast improvement compared to the suit's canned one.

As soon as he's out of his suit he clings to Han Yu's neck with a sigh of relief. "I'm so glad you're okay."

It takes Han Yu some time to react, and hug Xi Zirui back with his remaining arm.

His voice falters, "My arm, I didn't..."

"I'm sorry," Xi Zirui says, nuzzling Han Yu's neck. "Did it hurt?"

Han Yu's eyes widen, surprised at Xi Zirui's reaction. "A little, the outer layer of skin mostly, there's pain terminals..."

Xi Zirui eyes Han Yu's shoulder from where the arm has been ripped clean off, leaving behind a sparking net of circuit boards and optic fiber.

It's a grisly sight, even without the blood, but Xi Zirui still sighs in relief. "I'm so glad you're not human."

Han Yu goes very still. "Xi Zirui isn't upset? There are a lot of things I won't be able to do now."

Xi Zirui pulls away from Han Yu's neck with a frown between his eyebrows. "And? What does that have to do with anything? I'm only upset that you got hurt."

The corner of Han Yu's lip ticks up and he lets out a disbelieving sigh. "Thank you."

Xi Zirui feels like that's an odd thing to say, but he just wants to enjoy the relief rushing through him right now.

Little Thunder won't stop meowing, so it's making that difficult at the moment.

"What a needy fucking ca-"

Before he can finish the sentence a violent tremor shakes the whole ship, sending both of them tumbling to their knees.

Alarms flash all around the cabin, almost blinding with all their bright colors and deafening ringing.

"Critical system's failure Host, ship irreparably damaged."

Xi Zirui looks towards the front of the cabin and sees two large UHN ships with blasters trained on the Irregular, their nozzles glowing as they recharge for another hit.

"Can you get us out of here, Ni Ni?" Xi Zirui asks, trying to help Han Yu up to his feet.

It takes Ni Ni a long time to answer. "The ship is severely compromised on all systems, attempting warp drive at this juncture would mean the total failure of all life support in less than 6 hours."

Han Yu's panicked eyes flash towards Xi Zirui, as he clings to his wrist. "Too dangerous."

They don't have a choice.

It's better to have a few hours of peace with Han Yu than to die here under the blast of a space cop's weapon.

"Punch it, Ni Ni. Try to cloak us as best as possible and aim for the nearest space station."

---

The nearest space station is 7 hours away from the furthest location the Irregular manages to take them to without completely disintegrating.

Xi Zirui debates whether to tell Han Yu this, currently looking out the window at the vast expanse of space surrounding them with worry written all over his face.

With a smile, Xi Zirui pulls him towards the bedroom by the sleeve of his jumpsuit. "Let's go to bed. You must be tired."

Han Yu's eyelids flutter over his limpid eyes. If he could, he would cry.

He understands what Xi Zirui's words mean. 

But he doesn't comment on it, and just follows after him into the darkened bedroom.

They both slip out of their dirty jumpsuits, Xi Zirui helping Han Yu navigate his zipper around his missing arm, and get into bed together, facing each other and sharing Xi Zirui's last breathes.

There's a lot Xi Zirui wants to say, but he doesn't have the words for it, so he just runs the pads of his fingers over Han Yu's face, committing all of him to memory, as he tries to do every time he's about to leave him.

His biggest fear is that one day will really be the last time; that there won't be a next time waiting for him.

Han Yu feels like his missing piece, the part of himself he never thought he would find.

The idea of losing him forever is unbearable.

Xi Zirui cups Han Yu's jaw between his palms and looks deeply into his eyes before bringing their lips together in a soft, languorous kiss.

"Thank you."

"Why is Xi Zirui thanking me?" Han Yu asks, covering one of Xi Zirui's hands on his face with his own.

"For being with me, now, and in the past." He closes his eyes, and inhales slowly. "In the future too."

Han Yu makes a low sound in the back of his throat. "It's not fair," he says, pushing Xi Zirui's hand closer against his face. "Xi Zirui remembers, but what about me? Why can't I remember?"

Xi Zirui kisses him suddenly, his tears falling in between their kisses.

That's something that never stops being painful for Xi Zirui. More than anything he wants Han Yu to remember their lives together.

"I'll find a way, I'll find a way to make you remember," he says, whispering the words against Han Yu's wet lips.

"I don't want to lose Xi Zirui," Han Yu says, his eyelids trembling over his clouded eyes, his pain seemingly amplified by the lack of tears. "It's not fair..."

No it isn't.

Xi Zirui wants to scream and wail and curse the universe for what's happening to them, for the mess they've been thrown into and can scarcely understand.

"You'll remember everything. That's a promise, I'll make you remember," Xi Zirui says.

---

They stay together in bed, whispering promises of devotion, laughing over all the funny moments they've shared, with Xi Zirui crying over the many more they won't get to experience -- not in this world at least.

Han Yu warps his remaining arm around him and pulls him against his chest.

They take turns comforting each other, swallowing their own grief, blanketing each other in kisses trying to keep it from bubbling to the surface.

Eventually, the oxygen levels run too low and Xi Zirui can't help the drowsiness that steals over him.

Little Thunder climbs into bed with them with a low mew, curling up on himself against Xi Zirui's stomach.

"I'm here, Xi Zirui can rest, I'll be here when he wakes up," Han Yu says, running his fingers through Xi Zirui's messy hair.

Xi Zirui knows that isn't true, he knows that when he wakes up it won't be here, but his mind is getting foggy, he can only nod into Han Yu's neck and close his eyes.

Han Yu keeps holding on, long after Xi Zirui's body has gone cold.