Chapter 134: Don't suffer from anticipation

Time passes in a flash of rose-tinted marital bliss.

Soon, Xi Zirui is three months along, and finally showing, to his great delight.

He makes sure to walk everywhere bump first -- even though the weight really isn't putting any pressure on his spine as of yet -- and to rub it in the most conspicuous way possible.

It's an eye-rolling sight for everyone who isn't Han Yu -- for whom it's terribly erotic instead.

Xi Zirui delights in hearing some of the gossip that goes on behind his back.

"Honestly, it's as if he grew up without knowing kunjun could get pregnant and is constantly surprised by the fact," one servant says.

Another retorts, "If you ask me, he thought he was infertile before meeting his Highness."

"I just think he wants to rub in everyone's face the fact that he's his highness' mate and is carrying his children," says yet another.

Xi Zirui doesn't tell them they're all a little bit right, because what would be the fun in that?

He's enjoying terrorizing the place far too much, to stop now.

Meanwhile, Han Yu is helping him find a potential mate for Bai Mi, although both of them are being lowkey about it.

Having the kunjun visit the palace one at a time, and introducing them to Bai Mi under false pretenses.

---

The first person they introduce her to is the lovely second daughter of the leader of the Painted Snake clan.

It goes poorly.

Young miss Tai Li is exceedingly beautiful, and aware of it. She exudes charm and confidence from the moment she steps into the palace.

Xi Zirui had a good feeling about her.

He and Han Yu call Bai Mi over to reception hall in their quarters so they can have tea with Tai Li, and suss out Bai Mi's interest.

Tai Li is definitely interested, judging from the way she insinuates herself the moment Bai Mi walks in.

Bai Mi spares her only a courteous glance before picking up a cup of tea.

"I heard your Grace is still unmated," Tai Li says breaching the subject directly, while running a fingertip over the rim of her teacup. "Is there any reason for that?"

Bai Mi spares her a chilling look. "I feel as if all the kunjun I meet are frivolous and full of themselves," her gaze drifts briefly towards Xi Zirui. "Not worthy of my time."

Tai Li almost chokes on her tea, something Bai Mi ignores as she rises to her feet. "If you'll excuse me, I have a lot of work to do."

Just like that, she's gone, leaving behind a deeply offended Tai Li and a political situation for Han Yu to smooth over with gifts and offers of assistance, should the Painted Snake clan ever need it.

"Back to the drawing board," Xi Zirui says with a sigh, inspecting the list of candidates they've come up with.

Han Yu wraps his arms around his waist and pulls him back against his chest, his long legs bracketing Xi Zirui's sides.

"How about you forget about finding a mate for Bai Mi for a moment and focus on your own?" Han Yu says, his tone leading as his hands travel beneath the hem of Xi Zirui's robes.

Xi Zirui melts into his touch and forgets all about everything that isn't related to the two of them.

---

Not everything is roses, though.

Try as he might, Xi Zirui can only keep reality at bay for so long before it all comes crashing down on him.

He's coming out of the bath, wrapped in a flimsy robe when the view of his profile in the full-length mirror in their bedroom distracts him.

It never stops being odd, catching a glimpse of his distended abdomen, of the small bump that by some miracle now houses two babies.

It makes him so happy to see it, as impossible as it is. It's not something he ever thought about, being that it was never a possibility before, but he likes knowing that he and Han Yu have made two new lives together.

He's still sketchy on the 'hows' and 'whys' of the whole thing, but why ruin the magic?

Xi Zirui is pregnant, and that is at once wonderful and terrifying.

He runs his hands over the small bump, he thinks it grows larger every day, Bai Mi thinks he's crazy, but Han Yu agrees with him.

It's entirely possible that he's just indulging him, but they are the parents, they would know if their babies were growing, right?

"I'm going to take good care of you," Xi Zirui says, patting his belly softly. "I can't wait to meet you two."

He wonders what his children will look like. He already knows they'll be dragons like Han Yu, from Ni Ni's explanation, but he wonders if they'll resemble him or Han Yu more, or if they'll be a mix of their combined features.

Thinking of Ni Ni makes his hand still on his stomach.

He hasn't talked with her in at least a month.

And if he's being honest, he's happy about it.

The longer he goes without talking with Ni Ni, or remembering why he's even here, the easier it is for him to believe he can stay forever.

Now that he knows he has no real ties to the world he came from, and that his real past is a blur of inaccessible memories what's stopping him from staying forever?

He has no recollection of being a god, no memory of whether that was a pleasant life or not.

Why not just stay here and enjoy a quiet life besides Han Yu? Isn't that what he has wanted since the two of them met?

Wouldn't that be nice? If he could just stay in this world forever with Han Yu and raise their children together?

He doesn't realize he's crying until the tears start falling down his cheeks, staining the front of his haphazardly fastened robes.

"I'm going to keep you safe," Xi Zirui says, speaking down towards his belly, his shoulders heaving with violent sobs now.

What if something happens to him before the children are born?

What if he dies right after they're born?

He doesn't think he can take that, not getting to spend time with them.

It feels so much more urgent now, that he's going to be a parent. He needs to find a way to stay forever, how can he leave his children behind?

To say nothing of the fact that each time he leaves Han Yu, it's like a part of his soul is being ripped out too.

But he doesn't have a solution. Even remembering won't fix it, it will just give him the chance to go back to a reality he knows nothing about, but where he hopes he can finally live in peace with Han Yu.

But how much can he trust that, really?

Han Yu finds him like that, bowled over himself, clutching his stomach with both arms and sobbing quietly.

He kneels down next to Xi Zirui and pulls him against his chest. "What's the matter, Rui-er? Did you feel something, are you worried about the babies?"

Xi Zirui shakes his head and buries his nose into Han Yu's neck, inhaling his calming scent.

His sobs subside with Han Yu's gentle attentions, but his worry remains.

"I think we need to talk, my love," Han Yu says, petting Xi Zirui's hair. "You can't run away from the issue forever."

Xi Zirui nods, dries his tears, and tells Han Yu everything.

---

It's a long conversation, and eventually they move from the floor to the bed, as Xi Zirui pours out everything he knows, about their shared lives in the other worlds, about his true existence as a god, about the Transmigrator 4000, he tells Han Yu everything.

It's a lot to take in all at once, but Han Yu does his best.

His first question shouldn't surprise Xi Zirui as much as it does. "Did we have children in any of the other worlds?" he asks, his hand drifting down to hold Xi Zirui's tummy.

Xi Zirui lets out a chuckle. "No, this is the first time."

Han Yu irradiates smugness at that. 

His question is no different from when the previous world's Han Yu wanted to know if he had been the first Xi Zirui told about the other worlds.

It's so endearing, how he always wants to be special to Xi Zirui, leave his mark in a way that distinguishes him from his other selves.

Xi Zirui tilts his chin up and pulls Han Yu's face towards him, kissing him sloppily, his love for him overflowing.

"I'll help you remember our other lives, so you'll know there's nothing to be jealous about."

Han Yu scoffs. "Who's jealous? I'm not jealous," he says, not very convincingly. 

Xi Zirui pinches his ear and kisses him again, swallowing down is outraged protest.

His fears don't disappear, but having Han Yu at his side is all Xi Zirui needs to be able to face them.