Chapter 139: Don't try to hold back time [END WORLD 6]

Xi Zirui hasn't yet finished his month of seclusion when news reach him that Ji Limei is pregnant. 

He can only imagine Bai Mi's smugness, and is glad for the convenient excuse of sitting the month to prevent him from having to see her.

His children continue to grow strong and healthy and Xi Zirui is grateful for every day he gets to spend with them.

Some days it's hard to keep his anxiety at bay. Ni Ni remains quiet, but Xi Zirui knows better than to trust her silence. Who knows when she'll speak up again and bring with her the end of the peaceful life he has built here.

At night, he sleeps with Han Zhiye and Han Xiu in the bed with him, unwilling to let go of them for even a second for fear they'll disappear if he looks away.

Han Yu is no less anxious, now that he has at least some of his memories back.

During some of those sleepless nights he tells Xi Zirui about what it was like for him.

"I never recover from losing you," he says, running his fingers over Xi Zirui's hair and kissing his forehead. "At least now I know it won't be forever. That was the hardest part, thinking I would never be happy again."

Xi Zirui hides his face against Han Yu's chest, his fingers clenching and unclenching on Han Yu's inner robes.

He feels selfish, for focusing so much on his own pain. 

It's always harder for the people who stay behind.

Han Yu has endured much more than him in some respects.

"I'm sorry," Xi Zirui whispers. "For leaving you behind."

"I'm sorry too, for not knowing how to keep you yet."

That's the crux of all their problems. They've poured over their combined memories, and tried to remember something from before the Transmigrator 4000 but to no avail. 

They don't remember what caused all this, or any detail about their past lives.

Han Yu tries to be optimistic. "Maybe this time nothing will happen, Su Xueyi hasn't done anything, Cao Fei confirmed his movements aren't suspicious. That has to be a good sign."

Maybe Xi Zirui could hold on to that hope before the babies were born, but now, looking at their sweet faces, peaceful in sleep, that feels too flimsy. He wants the certainty of a life with his family.

Even being able to return to their original lives as gods isn't good enough.

Xi Zirui doesn't want to leave his children.

He wants to raise them into adulthood, be present to watch them become their own people, these two unlikely lives he and Han Yu made.

"Whatever happens, you have to promise me you'll take care of them," Xi Zirui says, petting Han Zhiye's warm cheek. "I'm sorry to put that burden on you, but you need to promise me you'll hold on for them."

Han Yu's arms tighten around his waist. "I promise," he says, whispering the words against Xi Zirui's nape.

---

Other days, it's like their worries can't touch them, and they're free to enjoy their days with their children.

Those days are the most precious, and Xi Zirui clings to them fiercely, committing every second to memory.

The twins are close to six months, when Han Xiu says her first word.

"Papa," she says, waving her chubby arms towards Xi Zirui, not a teeth in her mouth yet.

Han Yu isn't there to hear it, and his disappointment is crushing.

He keeps trying to get Han Xiu to speak again but with no success.

"Can you say, daddy, A-Xiu?" he asks, waving a little stuffed toy in front of her face without much success.

Her little features rearrange themselves into a mask of stoniness and she goes back to being the world's most serious and quiet baby, to Xi Zirui's great amusement.

"Just wait, I'll be there to hear Zhiye's first words," Han Yu declares, trying not to let his jealousy show.

Han Zhiye's first word is also "papa", and unlike his bold words, Han Yu isn't there to hear it either, due to being busy with clan business.

Xi Zirui debates whether to tell him or not, but decides it would be cruel to deceive him.

Predictably, Han Yu isn't happy about it.

"That's it, I'm going to stay with you and the twins until they start taking their first steps, Bai Mi can take over my duties."

She does, but she isn't happy about it.

Han Yu reminds her that her children haven't been born yet, where his are very much crawling around and clinging to his skirts. "And walking soon! Which I'll be there to witness, if it kills me."

Xi Zirui thinks his dedication to being there for all their children's milestones is really endearing and he supports him wholeheartedly. 

Which is why when Han Zhiye stands up on his own, and take a single tentative step forward, Xi Zirui immediately calls over Han Yu. "Come quickly, I think Zhiye is going to walk."

Han Yu rushes to his side, grinning widely. "What a big boy, taking his first steps!" he spreads his arms, waiting for Han Zhiye to walk towards him.

And waits.

And waits.

And waits some more.

Han Zhiye seems to have lost all interest in walking and just sits on his bum, looking up at both of them with his fingers shoved inside his mouth and giggling around his wet fist.

"I give up," Han Yu says after hours of this, sitting down with a sigh. "They only do stuff when I'm not around."

He's pouting a little, and Xi Zirui can't resist him. He wraps his arms around Han Yu's neck, cooing at him. "That's not true, they both smile a lot when you're around. Even A-Xiu, and she's usually so serious."

Despite his best attempts, Han Yu continues sulking.

That is until the feels something tugging on his sleeve and looks down to see Han Zhiye standing next to him. "Kissy, daddy?" he mumbles around the fingers in his mouth.

Han Yu lets out a delighted gasp and picks up Han Zhiye in his arms, swinging him a little to make him giggle. "Clever boy, did you notice daddy was sad and wanted to cheer him up?"

Xi Zirui leans his head against Han Yu's shoulder and watches fondly as he praises their son, wishing he could stay inside this moment forever.

---

Time passes despite Xi Zirui's worries, although it doesn't get easier. He expects to have the rug pulled from under him at any moment, and can only sigh in relief when he gets to wake up every morning next to Han Yu and go find their children sleeping peacefully in their cribs.

This charmed existence feels gossamer thin, like one wrong more can bring everything crashing down.

Xi Zirui is terrified that he'll be the one who ruins everything.

He never thought about being a parent, that always felt like a decision too far away in the future to even consider, but now that he's one, he doesn't know what he's going to do without his children.

How is he supposed to go on, after this world, knowing he left Han Yu and their babies behind?

How can he trade his family for the uncertainty of a life he doesn't even remember?

He eyes the silver cuff around his wrist from time to time, his mind whirring.

What would happen if he tried to get rid of it? Would it get rid of Ni Ni as well?

Would it allow him to stay beyond the Transmigrator's 4000 arbitrary time controls?

Xi Zirui tries to find a way to stay, no longer even trying to remember his previous life and the mysterious circumstances that led him and Han Yu to be trapped in the different realms.

"What are you thinking?" Han Yu asks him, when he finds him looking at a bare patch of wrist.

That's one of the biggest hurdles, trying to get the bracelet off when only he can see it.

Thus far all his attempts have been fruitless. 

"I'm trying to find a way to stay," Xi Zirui says, reaching over to link his fingers with Han Yu's.

Han Yu pulls him into his chest, kisses the top of his head. "We'll find a way, you're still here. That's what matters."

---

Han Zhiye and Han Xiu continue growing like reeds, which is a little worrying for Xi Zirui. They aren't even a year old, and he already wishes he could hold back time.

Is this how he's going to feel for the rest of their lives? Like they're running ahead of him and he's struggling to catch up?

Bai Mi's children are born, triplets, to her great delight. All of them boys, Bai Jun, Bai Lin and Bai Lun. 

Naturally, she invites Xi Zirui and Han Yu to their one month celebration. They take their children, so they can meet their little cousins for the first time.

Han Xiu is uninterested, completely ignoring the babies, and keeping to her corner of the blanket she's deposited on.

Han Zhiye on the other hand is immediately curious about them, and tries to peer into Bai Lun's bassinet.

Xi Zirui watches them with a feeling of great tenderness. He's really happy his children will have friends to play with, he didn't lie to Bai Mi about that.

Han Yu comes up behind him and whispers in his ear. "What do you say we get started on siblings for Zhiye and A-Xiu?"

Xi Zirui chuckles, it would be nice to have that kind of luxury, to be able to plan ahead for an eventual family expansion. As it stands, Xi Zirui feels grateful for what he already has, fearful that being too greedy will be his downfall.

"We can talk about this later," he tells Han Yu, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. He's not in season, so they can at least roleplay -- that's always fun.

They're leaving Bai Mi's and Ji Limei's quarters, each carrying a sleeping child in their arms, when Xi Zirui hears a voice he wishes he could have forgotten.

"I'm sorry Host, but I can't hold off any longer" Ni Ni says, just as the world around Xi Zirui goes dark.