Chapter 177: Don't reflect on what you did

The words reverberate inside Xi Zirui's head like an echo. It's a long time before his mind is quiet enough for him to string a question together.

"What do you mean he's a human?"

Ji Limei gives him a look of sustained disdain, as if this is an issue she has been over with him multiple times before.

"What I said: that he's a human. You convinced yourself that you were in love with him, and because the Jade Emperor wouldn't let you have your way, you made it everyone's problem."

She speaks in such a way that Xi Zirui can imagine a series of conversations whispered behind his back. Other Gods gossiping about how foolish Xi Zirui was, how mad his obsession.

All this time, he was convinced that Han Yu was a god like him, even as the entire concept is still alien to him, it never once crossed his mind that there was something keeping them apart in their original realities.

It turns out they aren't even from the same realm.

It's shocking to learn, yet again, that nothing he believed was real.

Xi Zirui feels the world tilt on its axis, and the worst part is that he doesn't even know himself.

He was so sure all of it was Su Xueyi's doing. The pieces fit so seamlessly into his mind, he could perfectly imagine Su Xueyi moved by jealousy, trying to make Xi Zirui love him by all means possible, and in his clumsy haste unwittingly dragging everyone else along with him and Xi Zirui into the realms of the Transmigrator 4000.

Xi Zirui can't make sense of any reality where that isn't what happened.

"Why would I do this?" Xi Zirui asks, eyes wide and pleading. He's begging Ji Limei to find him an explanation as to why he would inflict so much pain on himself and Han Yu -- on everyone.

She takes no pity on him. "Because you're selfish! You've always been, a pampered, spoiled princeling! Always complaining about how boring everything was, how beneath you..."

Her words pierce him like knives. 

Boredom.

That's the whole reason he walked into the shop in what he thought was his real world, although he suspects, he wouldn't have much of a choice.

Ji Limei clearly resents him, but Xi Zirui doesn't think she's lying.

"How do you know it was me?" Xi Zirui asks, his voice barely above a whisper. He's clinging to his last hope that maybe she's letting resentment colour one version of the events.

"I saw it happen," she spits, furious. "I was one of the people in the library when it happened. I heard a commotion, and then I saw you holding something while Su Xueyi tried to stop you. I heard him say: 'no, don't', and then everything went white."

She's fully convinced that Xi Zirui is to blame, but her words give him hope that maybe she's misinterpreting what she saw.

"Maybe I walked in on Su Xueyi trying to do something. He's obsessed with me, maybe he didn't like that I was in love with Han Yu."

She gives him a look of such profound disbelief it crosses over into amusement. "That's because he's been engaged to you since the two of you were babies!"

Xi Zirui can only look at her in shock. "Engaged? Like an arranged marriage?" He tries to wrap his mind around gods having arranged marriages and comes up blank.

By the looks of it, Ji Limei is equally confused by his question.

"Of course not like an arranged marriage! Unions between gods are determined by the Book of Fates, predetermined since before a god is even born. The heavenly realm is responsible for keeping balance in the cosmos, and the Book of Fates is our blueprint. No one would dare to go against it." Her eyes narrow cruelly. "Except you."

There's something extremely disquieting about seeing someone usually so cheerful and bubbly as furious as Ji Limei is. It's not as if her usual sweetness is gone, it's just that her rage is much greater.

Slowly, Xi Zirui begins to understand why. "You and Bai Mi...the Book of Fates doesn't tie you together, does it?"

He sees the moment Ji Limei's rage drains away, and her shoulders slump in defeat. "No."

There it is, the reason for all her anger.

"I'm sorry," Xi Zirui says, he means it. He's sorry for himself too.

Li Siqi and Liao Min, Jin Ranyu and Cao Fei...did Xi Zirui doom them to an eternity of bitterness, too?

He hears a chime, so unexpected it startles him.

"Host shouldn't worry about them, their fates are tied," Ni Ni says, and then, "I'm sorry, Host."

He shouldn't be surprised that Ni Ni and the Shopkeeper lied to him. He even understands why they did it. 

He looks out towards the door where Han Yu is. Xi Zirui refuses to leave him, he can't.

"What do we do now?" he asks Ji Limei.

Some of the fierceness returns to her eyes when she notices the direction in which Xi Zirui is looking. "Now? Now I kill him, and see if that finally ends this nightmare."

Xi Zirui scrambles to put himself between her and the door. "No, please. I'll fix it, I'll find a way."

Ji Limei scowls, her expression darkening. "How many times have we gone through this already? Have you managed to fix anything yet?"

Xi Zirui doesn't have an answer for her.

Either because she's too tired to do anything, or because, despite all her white hot fury, she feels a modicum of pity for Xi Zirui, Ji Limei says, "I won't do anything to day, but I don't know how much longer I can handle this."

She leaves his quarters after that, closing the door with a swift bang. 

Xi Zirui crumples to floor as soon as she leaves. He feels hollowed out, like a tree whose heartwood has been scooped out until all it's left is bark. 

There's too much information swimming around in his mind. Part of him wants to question Ni Ni and rage against the lies he's been told, but a bigger part of him is tired. Desperately tired.

He wants to crawl into bed with Han Yu and forget everything he just learned.

He felt more hopeful about their chances for happiness before this conversation with Ji Limei.

---

He thanks Physician Ouyang for his help and dismisses him. He's glad to be released from his unwanted babysitter duties, and a little shamefaced, probably from falling asleep at the table -- something Xi Zirui is glad for.

Han Yu still looks pale and sallow, but his chest is rising and falling, however feebly, and that's all that matters to Xi Zirui.

He slips out of his robes and slides into the narrow cot with him, making a space for himself at Han Yu's side, pillowing his head on his shoulder and hoping it doesn't hurt him.

He wants desperately to fall asleep but it evades him.

His thoughts are a confused jumble of guilt, recrimination and wide-eyed panic.

Xi Zirui did this to himself.

That's the most startling realization of all.

Whoever he is now, he doesn't think he's the same person he used to be when he was a god. He can't see himself in Ji Limei's bitter accusations, but he understands why she made them. He understands the gravity of enacting change in the lives of beings who are supposed to be fixed points in time and space.

Ji Limei never considered any role but the one the 'Book of Fates' gave her, but now, thanks to Xi Zirui, she has experienced an entire lifetime with someone she'll never be able to have.

It's a great cruelty. Xi Zirui feels sorry for her, he feels sorry for himself, too, for being in the same position.

He supposes he absorbed the information that he was a god, but never reflected on it -- never considered what being a god means.

It's to be expected that gods wouldn't be bound by the same constraints of the secular world, it would be expected that being enlightened they would be at peace with whatever role was required of them.

Xi Zirui studies Han Yu's still face in the dark. Was Xi Zirui at peace too, before he met Han Yu? Did he accept his role dutifully?

From the snippets Su Xueyi has left escape, and what Ji Limei accused him of, he doubts it.

He might have a thin grasp on the person he used to be, but Xi Zirui can be sure of one thing: he must have been restless.

He's sure of that much, because he only feels at peace with Han Yu and can't imagine it was any different before they met.

He runs his fingertips over the slope of Han Yu's cheekbones, over the curve of his full bottom lip. Xi Zirui is so scared of losing him that it feels like his lungs are on fire -- all the air turned to kindling as soon as it reaches them.

It's a feeling he can scarcely articulate, but that makes him believe Ji Limei's words.

Xi Zirui knows he would sacrifice a lot for Han Yu, maybe in the past, he sacrificed everything.