14 Heavy Thoughts

The next day Yu Jian called Yu Yan in to the sitting room and asked her what the matter was. He had thought it must have been something insignificant which kids her age would think was something insurmountable so he hadn't asked her to meet in the study. Moreover, though he was indifferent to her less than desirable origins but he wasn't like other people his age who would be against a blameless child due to their own mistakes. But the matter of fact was that he didn't want to make it a habit to let her enter his study for every talk between them. It would only be used as their meeting point if there was something really serious to discuss about pretaining to the family business or the individual involved. Also, it was the heir's privilege to enter the study for all talks and he still wasn't so muddle - headed to mix up such things.

Oh but how he regretted it at this moment. He really wanted to either slap himself hard in the face or throw this girl as far away from him as possible. As soon as he had called her she had come down the stairs wearing a pink coloured flouncy princess style dress. He had smiled to himself while looking at her. After his wife's death Yueyue had never worn such princess like clothes. It was as if her childishness had also gone away and died along with her mother.

He thought to share such trivia with Yanyan but before he could even open his mouth she had started crying. He had been taken aback by her tears and had thought that may be she had been bullied outside and had come to him expecting him to get some kind of petty revenge against the said person or group of people but what came out of her mouth had left him feeling reeling.

She had said, "Daddy, Zixi told me that one of the boys I had invited for my birthday was too emboldened and had accosted elder sister day before yesterday. That must have been the reason why you had rushed out of the hall so worriedly at that time. I am sorry. It all happened because of me. If only I had listened to elder sister to arrange the party outside. I am sorry. If only I had not invited those people. How would I have known that he would have such guts and improper thoughts towards elder sister. Daddy, am so sorry. If you want to punish me I'll accept it without a single word. I'll also go to elder sister and ask for her forgiveness."

Listening to her it was as if salt was being poured and rubbed all over his wounds and his heart was lit withfire. Already he had been blaming himself for the lax security during the party, that something so untoward had almost happened to his daughter right under his nose. For the last two days he had been ignoring the niggling feeling in his gut that since the day of her eighteenth birthday his darling daughter had to face two unfavourable situations back to back in a few months. First, she had to see a step sister being brought in and now this. But hearing it from Yanyan's mouth he felt himself angered to death. Obviously he wouldn't vent his anger on an unrelated person in this case but hearing her talking about such matters in such a brazen manner left him wondering if staying outside had an impact on his daughter's brain. How could she even talk about it in the sitting room where anybody could listen in if they were passing through?

He was so enraged that he threw the flower vase at his side on the floor near Yanyan's feet violently, making sure that not one fragment would touch her. He just wanted her to close her mouth and to stop speaking about matters she didn't understand completely. As soon as there was a loud crashing noise of the vase landing and breaking on the floor, she had jumped in fear and had looked at him with tearful and fearful eyes. He knew he should explain things to her but having a clear understanding of himself he could foresee that any words he spoke at the moment would hurt both of them. Therefore, not to say or do things which he might come to regret later on he kept a tight control over his temper as well as his voice and told her to march right back to her room. Furthermore, she wasn't allowed to talk to anyone until he called her for a further talk and left for his study. Her food would be sent to her room and she wasn't to step out of her room until then.

He also felt perturbed at Zixi. He was someone he had a personal hand in raising from a preschooler to an adult. He had not only been trained as the future right - hand man of Yu Yue but he was also the person he trusted the most after Yueyue. He wasn't his own flesh and blood, however he was no different to him than his own son. Though no one would feel so close to an outsider but at the end of it all he wasn't an outsider to him. He had thought of doing everything in his power to keep him safe and sound but Zixi had been adamant that he wanted to be trained as the future second - in - command under Yu Yue. He had been against the idea in the starting but then listening to him explaining his reasoning he had agreed to it reluctantly. In those days he had just lost his wife and thinking about how she had always loved Zixi like her own child, even though he couldn't bear to let him be in such a low position which wasn't comparable to his identity he had relented. Since then Zixi had been given the best training so that he could be the best helper as well as a back up for his daughter. He also felt comfortable at heart knowing that he would leave a trusted subordinate for his daughter if something happened to him unexpectedly.

He recalled when his wife was pregnant with their only child she had once laughingly told him that if it was a girl she would get her hitched to Zixi without any second thoughts. They had laughed at the thought and he had said that if his daughter agreed to it he would get them married in a heartbeat. But as they say, the realty is far too different from what they had imagined and planned for. May be he could never see Zixi disclosing the truth about his origins and identity to Yueyue in his lifetime and may be that dream of his wife would be left unfulfilled but as long as Zixi was standing with Yueyue - even if he was standing behind her instead of besides her he himself would be at ease.

He knew that child's character very well and also knew that he had deep thoughts. If he wanted to go for something he wouldn't directly go after it. He would take nine turns and eighteen twists to get his desired result. But his decision to disregard his orders and do something against his own words left him feeling unfathomable. In all the twenty four years he had known him this had only happened once before and even at that time after giving it some thought he had understood why he had gone against him. But this time he would have to sit down for a serious talk with him.

In all the years he had known him, Zixi had never gone against his word deliberately or even unintentionally as far as Yueyue's matters was concerned and he had specifically told him not to say a word to anyone about the happenings of that day. How could he tell about it to his younger daughter without a single thought? It seemed since he was working in close quarters with her for the past few months, he didn't have a brain to mouth filter in - front of her. If it was as such then he wouldn't allow him to work under Yueyue if Yanyan let go of him afterwards.

Feeling furious and offended he went to the study and called for Zixi. He also called a maid to bring him some black coffee. They brought in the coffee and left right after that and collided with Zixi who he felt had rushed at his summons. He asked him to sit in the chair infront and just looked at him without speaking anything. The atmosphere was imposing but subtle, until Zixi finally knelt down in front of him.

Yu Jian couldn't bear to see his son in everything but blood kneeling before him, so he pretended not to have seen. He had thought he would just say his piece and explain his reasoning and then get off the floor and then they could put this rotten incident behind them. Therefore, he took up his coffee and looked at his documents placed on his desk all the while waiting patiently for the other person to start speaking. But he had really thought too much. It wasn't that the other person couldn't articulate his thoughts and was taking his time to formulate and put into words his reasoning.

Zixi just stubbornly knelt there with his back ramrod straight, not moving an inch or even shuffling. He was akin to a statue. Zixi knew that the Yu patriarch wouldn't do anything to him nor would he let him kneel even on the soft carpet for a long time. Despite how clear he was about all of this in his heart and knew the other person well, he still felt guilty and apologetic towards him. Not because he had told Yu Yan about what had happened that day. Sooner or later she would get to know about it as there was nothing that really was kept confidential in such big families and one day the patriarch or the eldest miss might disclose the truth of their own accord to her. He felt contrite due to the fact that he had missed something like this and had let the Yu family down. He felt he hadn't done his best to protect the people he had vowed to protect with all his being and strength when he hadstarted working for them.

Actually, Yu Jian couldn't even comprehend what was written in the documents even after going over them thrice. How could he when his mind and heart wasn't into it. The boy he had raised himself no matter the circumstances and difficulties was kneeling just meters away from where he was sitting. His eyes would sweep over to him every few minutes, messing up his heart and he didn't feel comfortable at heart looking at him being subservient to him as if he was really a member of the household staff. As if they had no other relation except that of an employer and an employee. Even if they weren't blood - related, they were related through emotions and feelings. It had already been more than half an hour since he had stubbornly knelt there without saying a single word. How could he watch without his heart aching as Zixi knelt there as if awaiting sentencing against him? Were his knees going to hurt after kneeling there for such a long time?Didn't he feel wronged and aggrieved trying to keep his back straight and his facial expression blank? What has been done was already over with, it wasn't as if he didn't trust him whole - heartedly not to do anything that would put any of the people involved in a predicament.

It would hurt him more if his health inconvinced in any way because of this act of his.

"Stand up, seeing you like this my heart aches."

"Master"

"......." In a moment, he thought about what had happened all those years ago. He couldn't help but think about the years long past. When Zixi was born, he was so small and soft, he was even afraid to pick him up in his arms, afraid that he would inadvertently hurt the newborn and his wife had laughed at him along with Zixi's parents saying that they never knew he was such a coward at heart and would be afraid to pick up a new born kid. They had made fun of him saying that Zixi wouldn't drool too much on his clothes so he could pick him up without much worry and if his clothes were too spoiled they would get him a new pair of suit. In those early years, Zixi's smile had been so dazzling, he used to be a rambunctious child. When he was a year old, his first words had been spoken when both of them were together while the rest of the family had gone out. He hadn't even known whether the child was babbling or trying to speak to him. Regardless, he had been so happy that the first words of the sweet child were for his ears only.

Now the child had grown up into a responsible adult and many things had changed in the intervening years. Even then to him he was still that child who had spoken his first words to him. Yu Jian sighed and helped Zixi off the floor. He should have stopped him from kneeling at the start or asked him to get up as soon as he had knelt, now who was the one who felt the pain? Wasn't it still himself?

"Did you do it deliberately?"

Zixi nodded, " I did it so as to...."

Before he could explain his reasoning, Yu Jian waved his hand to stop his explanation. Anyway, there was no need for him to know the reason behind his actions. All in all, he didn't want to listen to the child try to explain himself. It might leave a shadow in his heart that he wasn't trusted.

"You need to plan for all eventualities. Don't worry or think too much about unnecessary things. I trust you with my life so how couldn't I trust you to have the best interests of everyone else in the family. It's just Yanyan is just eighteen and has lived outside. Make sure to pay a bit more attention to her and don't let her mix in with the wrong sort. Afterwards, I'll formally introduce you to Yueyue as well. Also, take care of your own health as well. You seem a bit thinner to me. Don't anyhow skip your meals."

A flash of surprise flickered in Zixi's eyes. It wasn't due to the caring words of his employer since both of them were clear about his real identity, it was because he had thought that he would have to explain himself with regards to this matter. Though, he wouldn't have lied to the patriarch but he wouldn't have disclosed the complete truth to him as well. Afterall, he was clear about his priorities and future in his heart and one had to plan for any eventualities.His mouth was slightly open but when the words came to his mouth, he couldn't say it.

You Jian picked up his empty cup and while turning it in his hands he told the other person, "Don't look at me like that, I am just too worried about Yueyue right now. Help me see if someone unfamiliar from the other families tries to approach her in any way."

"Thank you,master."

"I trust you to make wise decisions and complete your duties to the best of your abilities."

"Master....."

"If you ever regret your decision to stay here and work under the Yu family you can inform me. I'll help you settle wherever you want but it must be out of the country "

"Master" Zixi was afraid of ever being asked to leave this place before he achieved what he even dreamt about in his sleep. He spoke very solemnly, "Master, Don't worry . I would never regret my decision,ever "

"I will remember what you have said today so don't even think of leaving halfway later on." Yu Jian joked to lighten the somber mood in the study.

Zixi left the study and leaned on the wall taking deep breaths. He sighed to himself inmelancholy and went back to his own quarters in the side building.