Chapter 89.

Chapter 89. Christmas Eve, Operation: To Kill A Mockingbird’s Love (1/8)

Wednesday had passed by relatively calmly. I finally had a day where there weren't a hundred different things constantly on my mind. I’d been able to get some good rest after having fallen off a four-story building and nearly dying.

When we got back so late and Alicia saw Rosa on my back with a sprain she was worried out of her mind. She forced Rosa to stay in bed all day to recover. She’d been doing everything for Rosa. She even took over cooking that day. Though Rosa was the one who provided all the instructions while seated. She was still able to prepare everything without needing to get up, but the work that involved laboring over the pot and pouring the ingredients in was left to Alicia.

Honestly, they made a pretty good tag team. Rosa had been able to stop Alicia from pouring in an entire bag of sugar so the food didn’t come out overly sweet like Alicia said it always did for her.

Well, no shit, don’t pour out the entire bag of sugar, woman! We get you like your sweets, but please show some restraint!

Anyway, that was what transpired yesterday.

Today was a special day for couples, Christmas Eve. To me, it was normally just another day… but… I now had three women I had to deal with today. I also still had to work.

Putting the request Rosa made regarding Irene aside, I had to figure out how to handle both Rosa and Alicia today.

It was concerning for me. I had to ensure Rosa didn’t succeed in making Alicia confess to me. Today and tomorrow I figured I’d need to be on high alert because of the sorts of days they were. I wouldn’t allow Alicia to become a bad girl like Rosa. I didn’t want her to be someone overly nice trying to make friends with everyone, but that didn’t mean I wanted her to become the exact opposite. I only thought someone like her needed to learn some moderation and restraint.

She did not, however, need me to become her boyfriend. Rosa was simply misguided on such a matter. I wouldn’t concede on that point. I was not an ambitious man who sought or desired a grand harem of women to attend to my every beck and call. A single woman was already more than enough for me to handle. Rosa may have won in terms of the condition she set for Irene, but I wouldn’t so easily let her succeed again.

I’d defuse the ticking time bomb known as Alicia at all costs. I’d make sure there was no way she could ever love me.

That being the case, yesterday, I turned myself into a man no woman would ever love or want to confess to. I did my research well, I searched online for all the things I could do that would turn a woman off.

This long intensive list I’d compiled from… non-peer-reviewed sources included things such as the following:

Be too intense about the relationship.

Often communicate that without her in your life, you are nothing. Should be easy enough, but I had my doubts about the effectiveness of this one.

Make clear that you’d prefer she didn't enjoy herself when you're not around. Yeah, that should work… I think.

Act like she’s the only person in your relationship. But we weren’t really in that sort of situation where I could act like that. This was harder than I expected.

Constantly act like you know more about life than she does. I already do though. I’m forty at heart after all. It would be weird if I didn’t.

Be disgusting. I don’t particularly like such an idea… but it does seem like it would be quite effective. I’d need to seriously consider it.

Crowd her out. Talk over her, boss her around, and refuse to be flexible. Be macho, demanding and difficult. This one was easy enough.

When dining with her parents, wait until she's talking, then catch her mother's gaze and roll your eyes. Uh… I mean… I can try it I guess. But… I kind of fucked her mother and all. I held my hand over my head and agonized over how this suggestion would turn out.

Dance with enthusiasm when nobody else is dancing. Well… this one was something impossible for me. 

Cry after sex… Uh… this one too… yeah, that definitely wasn’t happening.

Be stingy. I was already stingy though.

Don't listen to her. I probably need to work on this one a bit more.

Be friendly with her friends… I didn’t understand this one and I personally felt like being nasty to her friends in this girl's case would be more effective so I chose that route instead.

On social occasions with people she knows less well, be a bore. You must also take care to be a tremendous bore when the two of you are alone. Tell dull anecdotes, recount stories about people whom nobody has met. Voice opinions that everybody holds, but as though your insight is new and special. Do such things when she’s watching a favorite TV program or reading a book. Oh, if someone did that to me while I was reading a good book I’d definitely murder them.

Take a lot of long, luxuriant baths. Fill the bath with bubbles. Put candles around it. Make satisfied humming noises. Before getting in, use the phrase, ‘I’m just going for a soak in the tub.’ Ugh, this required money, and would she even really care?

Be lame and weedy on all matters related to your diet and health. Go vegan, then insist you won't eat carrots, mushrooms, or any kind of salad because you don't like them. Develop a wheat allergy. Groan, ‘I feel faint! I feel bloated!’ after every meal. Then try bravely eating a piece of toast, and take to your bed for days with a ‘bread hangover.’ Who hurt you? Who exactly are you describing, Author of this article? Aren’t these examples a bit too specific?

Take a keen interest in her diet. Don't be overtly bossy or critical as it's far more annoying to be subtle. Simply say, ‘Oh, are you having that?’ in a quizzical tone, every time she makes herself a sandwich. When you're in a restaurant, suggest she has the fish. Ask to sample her pudding, then cram most of it onto the spoon and swallow it whole. Remember not to be openly insulting: that could destroy her self-esteem and have her clinging to you for years. Instead, keep it cutesy and infuriating. Thus, she will retain her confidence and shed only you. If you want to speed up the process, refer to her playfully as ‘Mrs. Wobble-Bottom.’ Author of this article, you’re actually a woman who had such a man, aren’t you? Your scars are showing. It’s embarrassing when they’re so blatant and still fresh.

Mispronounce her name or give her a cutesy nickname. Again, this was another one I didn’t really get, but the article said it would kill off any romantic interest she may have and leave you stuck at being just friends. But when I read that last part, I immediately threw that idea away. I don’t want friends to begin with. That part of me, I was certain would never change.

Tell her how bland and boring her outfits are. Sure, I can see how that would get to her.

Freak her out with your cultural tastes. Uh… the most culture I have in me is reading and writing. I’d rather not reveal my writing to her or anyone at that. 

Never smile at her. I already don’t. Don’t mess with me!

Never start a conversation. I keep my mouth shut all the time already as well.

Avoid eye contact. Oh, it’s true that I don’t do that. I’m always paying attention to people’s eyes to figure out what they’re thinking and to figure out whether they’re lying to me about something or not.

Never ask for her number. When I read that, I wanted to scream. I never asked! She just pushed it on me!

Keep your nails dirty. Haaaaah. Sure, sure. Whatever. I’ll do it.

The list of things went on and on, but I’d only stick to the ones I thought would be effective.

Today would be Operation: Love Kill.

What an embarrassing name. Who came up with it?

Oh, right, me.

Come on, me, surely I can do better than that. I gave it a bit more thought and eventually came up with something better. Innocence and beauty. That was the perfect description of Alicia. Thus, I settled on Operation: To Kill A Mockingbird’s Love.

Once I’d settled on a name for this covert, top-secret, operation of mine, I headed downstairs to kick my plan into action.